The Lamscape

Oh what a state I am in! I don’t want to say too much because I don’t want to surrender the fantastic air of mystery that must surround me at all times.  I will however, provide some OBVIOUS clues:

• It is in the United States of America
• It is not JOYFUL
• It is located between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans
• It makes my heart RACE
• It is south of Canada (that heathenistic land) and north of Mexico (that haven for all things flavorful)
• It is EMBARRASSING to discuss
• It is at, below, or above sea level
• It is probably SILLY and UNREASONABLE
• It has a legislative body
• It will, I expect, PASS
• It has more than one paved road
• It makes me TIRED

I think that with this information a clever person should be able to accurately determine what state I am in; if you can - BULLY FOR YOU; if you can’t, I am sorry.

Glad that I have found myself, I am . . .

ANDY LAM

[tags]Andy Lam, location, emotion[tags]

Right now, right this very moment, one of the many thoughts occurring in my oh so spacious head is about water.  I am thinking about drinking some water.  There is some water to drink very close to my right arm.  It would not take too much effort for me to pause in my typing and to reach for that water and to raise the bottle to my lips and to part said lips and to welcome the cool water into my mouth and to swallow the water carefully (so I don’t choke on it) and to feel the water traveling down my throat and into my stomach where it will remain for a brief time before it travels through the rest of my digestive system until it reaches my bladed and is voided (I’m not really clear what happens between my stomach and bladder but I’ll be it is super interesting).

I am also able to look at water.  If I cast my gaze slightly to the right, and a little bit down, I can see the bottle of water I just mentioned in the paragraph proceeding this one.  What is interesting about looking at water is that there really isn’t that much to see.  This water is clear and it is in a clear bottle.  In fact, I can’t really be sure that I am seeing it at all.  It is possible that all I am seeing (or think I am seeing) is a mirage.  I also notice that it is not very easy to taste water.  Water is also not very smelly or noisy.  (It can be both but I try to stay away from smelly water especially.)  The  most important sense when it comes to water is the sense of touch.  Water is, more than anything else, something you can feel.

My thoughts about water - aside from what I have written about in the two proceeding paragraphs - are focused on water skiing.  I have never water skied successfully but have seen it done on many occasions.  In these past few minutes, I have imagined myself water skiing.  In my imagination, I am wearing a pair of yellow and red flower print swim trunks and an orange life vest.  I am watching myself from the perspective of someone sitting on the boat that is pulling me.  I see myself waving one arm excitedly over my head as I cross the boats wake again and again.

Now I am thinking of another use for water.  This is as something to give animals when they are thirsty.  I have tried giving animals a variety of liquids in the past (as part of government funded experiments): Castor oil, cod liver oil, soda, beer, scotch, bourbon, wine, sake, milk, orange juice, lemonade, coffee, tea, hot chocolate, melted ice cream, soup, broth, maple syrup, blood, paint, tears, perspiration, urine, rain, honey, ink, cough medicine, yogurt, sap, bird vomit, egg whites, pancake batter, Gatorade, vodka, coconut milk, vanilla extract, food coloring, shampoo, mouthwash, kaluah, etc.  I have never knowingly given an animal anything to drink that was bad for them but I can tell you that some of the thing’s I’ve just listed were NOT GOOD.

Getting an animal drunk may seem like a good idea but it is not.  A dog that has had a few too many may suddenly cease to be mans best friend and turn, instead, into a real beast.  I recall one afternoon, a Sunday in May I believe - a  Mother’s Day if I am not mistaken (and trust me, I am not) - that I found this out first hand.

I, joined by 40 colleagues, disended on the dining room of one of the city’s FANCIEST restaurants.  For this experiment, each of us was wearing dark glasses and carrying the red and white canes often associated with the visually challenged.  We each, also, of course, had a guide dog to help us find our way about town.  While the restaurant staff was dubious, they nevertheless were willing to seat us.  (Half our number had donned wigs so as to pose as mothers - it was a very convincing ruse.)  No sooner had we been seated then we started ordering drinks.

As quickly as the drinks were delivered we requested more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more.  And as we received them we, by various clever slights of hand, distracted our waiters and waitresses while we poured the liquor discreetly into dog bowls for our dogs to lap up.  This went on for some time until the animals began showing clear signs of intoxication.  In some this took the form of sleep, in others agitation and in yet others uncontrollable barking.   I was carefully taking notes on what was occurring (the fact that I was writing raised some eyebrows).

Our plan had been to intoxicate the dogs and then to set them free in the dining room to see what would happen next.  And so, for the sake of science, this is what we did.  Each of use reached to our dogs collars and removed their leashes.  We then began puffing on dog whistles.  The did not seem to work because they did not produce any sound. So we moved to plan B.  This involved us throwing tennis balls for the dogs to catch.  This proved to be far more effective.

What had been a decreasingly placid Mother’s Day brunch was quickly transformed into a dashing, running, barking, crashing, slobbering, leaping, scampering, vomiting, urinating, defecating scene of chaos.  Tables were upended as people tried to avoid the dogs (or as dogs leapt onto the them to retrieve their balls).  Once the dogs were free they also began eating with abandon - not caring whose plate they raided (or even the buffet for that matter).

Angry eyes (and I do mean ANGRY) flashed from every direction at me, my colleagues and our dogs.  But just when things seemed as though they would get out of control, I pulled my megaphone from my bad.  “Attention,” I shouted, “I am ANDY LAM! and I am conducting a very important experiment!”

With these words, a hush fell over the room (even the dogs heeded their master’s voice).  People took their seats and slowly, one by one, started to applaud.  In minutes the very air shook with the warmth of their cheers and clapping.  I stood to acknowledge them and then, with a clap of my own hands, summoned my team and our dogs.  Like a well-drilled army, all fell into line behind me and we marched out to the ovation of the restaurant staff and patrons.  It was a wonderful day.

Although I misplaced the original notes from that experiment, I do recall a few of my findings:

• Dogs, like people, become inebriated when they have ingested large quantities of alcohol’s.
• Like people, dogs are not able to moderate or control their behavior when they have been drinking
• Dogs are more likely than people to behave poorly when drunk
• Dogs observe no standards for public behavior, comportment or decency when they have been drinking
• All of the above facts are forgotten if you are ANDY LAM!

I also recall that I let my funding agency know that alcohol was an inappropriate beverage for dogs - but that I could not be sure whether the same held true for other animals until I had conducted further experiments.  (Sadly, further funding was not made available and so similar tests on other animals have not yet happened.)

Now very ready for that water, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, dogs, Castor oil, cod liver oil, soda, beer, scotch, bourbon, wine, sake, milk, orange juice, lemonade, coffee, tea, hot chocolate, melted ice cream, soup, broth, maple syrup, blood, paint, tears, perspiration, urine, rain, honey, ink, cough medicine, yogurt, sap, bird vomit, egg whites, pancake batter, Gatorade, vodka, coconut milk, vanilla extract, food coloring, shampoo, mouthwash, kaluah, Mother’s Day, experiment, drinking, water, restaurant

On the moon, there is something called the Sea of Storms.  You, my friends, are reading the latest offering from the Sea of Terrific that is ANDY LAM!

There is something special about the so called “DIY” movement.  Americans from all walks of life are discovering the joy and satisfaction of Doing It Themselves (I know, I know, that is DIT, but if you are think about yourself, you would say Do It Yourself, although if you think about it, it should actually be Do It Myself of DIM).

Whether it his home improvement or car repair or wedding planning or procreation or gardening or medical procedures or finances or aviation or pet grooming or decorating or body art or mail delivery or fashion design or any thing else, Americans are clamoring NOT to pay professionals for what they are good at, electing instead to do a shoddy job all by themselves.

Now I didn’t get to be where I am now by letting trends just pass me by and this one isn’t going to be an exception.  I have come up with a novel idea that is going to revolutionize the way Americans (and visitors to America if they are so inclined) experience the thrill of dining.

[PLEASE IMAGINE A DRUM ROLL HERE]

Introducing

[IMAGINE MORE DRUM ROLL – FEEL THE ANTICIPATION BUILDING]

New, from ANDY LAM!

[MORE DRUMMING!!!!]

The Super Genius who brought you so many important new inventions

[MORE DRUMMING, BUT IT IS EVEN FASTER, AND THERE ARE CRASHING CYMBALS NOW TOO, AND PEOPLE CHEERING AND SCREAMING]

ANDY LAM’S “Kill-N-Cook Cavalcade”

[NOW THERE ARE TRUMPETS BLARING AND ANGELS SINGING!!!!!]

Yes, you read it right, THE KILL-N-COOK CAVALCADE!!!

Here’s the scoop – families (and I expect that this will be big with families, as well as with dates) will come into the facility.  They will select which meat they would like for their meal – beef, chicken, pork, lamb, fish, emu, turkey, dog, veal, goat, etc.  Once everyone has decided, they will be taken to pens containing the animals of their choice.
All by themselves, patrons will be able to CLIMB INTO THE PENS to catch the animal that they want to eat!!!  Imagine being able to look into the docile faces of 10 or 15 cows and picking the one that looks the most delicious to you!!!!  Once they have their new “friend” in tow, they’ll move together to the “thrill zone.”

Now I know what you are thinking, and I agree, it does sound a bit insensitive to call the place where the animals will be slaughtered the “thrill zone”, but believe me, that is exactly what it is.  This is because the hunt is really quite something.  People are given the tools, but do they have the skills?  That is what makes this portion of the meal so exciting!  While we do our best to guarantee a positive dining experience, a patron or two were killed during the concept testing for the K-N-C.  Oh well.

Of course, how difficult this is depends on the animal in question, how many people are involved in the kill and the shape and stature of those involved.  For example, if a family of four decides that they want chicken, the “thrill zone” is only so-so.  But imagine that same family of four – dad wants the trout, mom thinks the lamb looks good and sis thinks the squab to her taste.  That leaves junior.

He wants beef.

Putting at 12 year old into a pen with a cow can lead to all sorts of mischief.  Hand the boy a spiked hammer and watch out!  Cows don’t like having their brains bashed in nearly as much as you’d expect and so unless that first blow is a clean one, the animals can get kind of ornery.  Mostly the diners are able to get over the fence quickly enough and everything is OK; but not always . . .

So assuming that the animal is dead, the processing begins.  We don’t expect that everyone knows how to butcher an animal, so we’ll be pointing them to the handy posters all over the processing room’s walls.  Not only that, there are knives, saws and tools of every description on hand and ready to use.  It truly is a bonding moment when a young couple is passing a bone-saw over a fresh killed hog.  I’ve found myself misting up on more than one occasion.

What’s nice about our approach to processing is that it assures customers with exactly the cut that they want.  You want a drumstick?  You got it!  Which of course brings us to the question of “leftovers”.  Say you want a quarter pound hamburger.  That’s fine, but cows weigh considerably more than that.  In fact, they weigh somewhere over 1,000 pounds.  So what happens to the other 9,999.25 pounds?  Simple, we let you take it home!

That’s right, you can bring the whole cadaver with you and cook it up when you get home.  It makes perfect sense.  That big ol cow can feed your family for weeks!  But I’m getting ahead of the process now.  After you get that burger, or drumstick or leg or lamb (NO RELATION!, HA HA HA), its time to head into the kitchen.

Now in the kitchen we have every sort of cooking tool know to mankind.  There are whisks, blenders, microwaves, toaster ovens, waffle irons, steamers, juicers, gelato machines, - heck, you name it, we may well have it.  And you know what they say, “the couple that flambés together says together”.  So romantic, don’t you think?

Once the meal is cooked, its time to dig in and eat.  We have a lovely family style dining room all set up and people are encouraged to get to know their fellow diners.  It can also be fun to sit all alone with a giant pile of meat in front of you and simply glare menacingly at strangers.  O! That is fun!

All good things must come to an end, and that leads us to what I like to call “Tidy time.”  You guessed it, this is that special time of a meal with tables need to be cleared, kitchens cleaned up and everything washed.  Again, making this a group effort really adds to the fun.  And now comes my favorite part of the meal – the BILL!

So you’re probably wondering, “wow, how much does this all cost?”  Well, I can tell you this kind of wholesome eating comes at a price.  All of the meats are sold by the pound (on the hoof); as soon as the “meal partner” is lead to the “thrill zone” its weight is calculated.  Given the DIY nature of the K-N-C, the price per pound is really reasonable:

Only 79 cents!!  That’s right, whatever meat you want is only 79 cents a pound.  Lets look at this, shall we?  That means if you choose a trout that weight three pounds, it will only cost you $2.37.  What a bargain!  Of course if you get the cow – or the walrus – the price gets pretty high pretty quick, but hey, remember – YOU CAN TAKE IT WITH YOU!!

From a business perspective, this idea is wicked sweet.  Here’s why – the overhead for this is REALLY, REALLy, REALly, REAlly, REally, Really, really low!  No waiters or waitresses or hosts or hostesses or sommeliers or dishwashers or cooks or busboys or bar backs or nothing.  This means all of the MONEY is for me, ANDY LAM!

It is because I know what the people of the world want that I am so super successful.  That makes me happy!

With a cow with YOUR name on it, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Meat, Dining, Meal, Restaurant, Fine Dining, Money

I don’t have to work.  I am so sickeningly wealthy that I burn money just for the fun of it.  (You wouldn’t believe how hot a fire you need to melt coins!)  The other day though, an opportunity came my way that was too good to pass up.

The first thing you need to know is that hundreds, nay, thousands, nay, tens of thousands, nay, hundreds of thousands, nay, millions, nay, tens of millions, nay, hundreds of millions, nay billions, nay, tens of billions, nay, hundreds of billions, nay, trillions, nay, tens of trillions, nay, HUNDREDS OF TRILLIONS of opportunities come may way every day: soccer ball inflater, chewing gum inspector, sooth-sayer, nay-sayer, pomegranate peeler, plum processor, keyboard clicker, comb tester, marzipan molder, mink groomer, fan dancer, wire puller, island hopper, bridge inspector, monkey medic, easel folder, gut checker, telephone operator, truck driver, gandy dancer, phlebotomist, pip-squeaker, felt feeler, scavenge hunter, eaves dropper, bat corker, clock cleaner, hay maker, fire placer, side walker, windshield wiper, nut mixer, cough suppressor, lawn mower, duck blinder, gas tanker, flu vacciner, paper toweler, lion tamer, hoagie taster, hog caller, play grounder, movie projector, coffee maker, book storer, air planer, brake drummer, pencil pusher, jury foreman, toaster, house painter, photo grapher, life saver, cookie sheeter, dish washer, moth baller, hay baler, bail bondsman, man servant, rocket shipper, hanker chiefer, corn chipper, wood carver, horse flier, roast beefer, leaf blower, shot blocker, under taker, turkey baster, cheese burgerer, Stanley Cuper, pencil sharpener, ground baller, mail boxer, landing gearer, cheese grater, gin fizzer, pillow fighter, gas guzzler, wall paperer, man holer, ice skater, lemon meringuer, amusement parker, dog breeder, ipso factor, lightning striker, hub capper, grease gunner, lamp shader, shadow boxer, stink bomber, organ grinder, shark skinner, belt tightener, screw driver, lolly popper, snake charmer, thanks giver, snow plower, leaf blower, chain sawer, monkey shiner, dentist driller, coffee grinder, book mobiler, northern lighter, clam baker, cow puncher, steam cleaner, iron horser, triple player, mouse trapper, rubber bander, slow poker, mouth washer, wrist watcher, ear waxer, mail polisher, carrot peeler, rotten egger, can opener, cooling racker, eyebrow waxer, tooth chipper, anchor aweigher, sail trimmer, keel hauler, sea scaper, supper beller, trash compactor, toe tapper, mer maker, ocean liner, freight trainer, land speeder, heart breaker, home wrecker, flower potter, bottle brusher, tin foiler, oven cleaner, finger snapper, deep sleeper, wheel greaser, ponzi schemer, eye dropper, nasal sprayer, stomach pumper, witch hunter, looby looer, air porter, gravy trainer, tinsel towner, - I need a DEEP BREATH after that ONLY PARTIAL LIST!!!!

So, what could have captured my fancy when all of the above careers left me cold?  I am glad you asked.  I am a DANCE SCOUT!!!  You all know of my talents as a dancer (especially when I am wearing my DANCING PANTS); well, someone in “the biz” caught wind of my sick skills and asked if I was up for a challenge.  That is the WRONG QUESTION to ask ANDY LAM!  I LIVE for CHALLENGES!

As a DANCE SCOUT, I attend dance recitals across the country (and around the world) seeking out the most talented young dancers on the planet.  Now some people might say that watching children dance is a difficult and painful thing to do; to them I say – I beg your pardon!  What could be MORE endearing than watching a group of six-year-olds cavort in a loosely coordinated way?  Or teenager girls reaching for that brass ring by dressing up as VETS and telling the story of a PET ER through dance????

One word – NOTHING!

I think that I am like that funny gentleman WILLY WONKA in that I can make dreams come true.  I go to these dances and I watch while other wince, I enjoy while others enjoin, I note while others nod, I applaud while others are appalled.  Afterwards, I send DETAILED NOTES to my employer (a nameless secret society of DANCERS) and they send out a team of kidnappers to bring the top-prospects to a special dancer training/re-education center.

My understanding is that after many years of work – these once bright children are ready to renter the world as mindless dancing automatons for the entertainment of the masses.  According to DANCER X, these people will replace monkeys as the number one attractions at malls and movie theaters.  I, for one, am sick to death of watching trained seals and whales when I go to SEA WORLD.  I would much rather see an interpretive dance on the theme – Jelly Fish and the Return to the Sea performed by a legion of blue appareled girls.

Without me though, this vision will never become a reality.  And so I sit and I watch and I note and I clap and I cheer and I interview and I badger and I dance and I shed tears for the artistry of these dancers.  There, on the stage they stand – with little props in their hands, with nervous glances at their instructors, with beaming smiles for their parents – and with dreams of supplanting the evil monkeys.

Like them, I wish nothing more than to drive all monkeys out of the land of men.  These scrappy beasts MUST BE TAKEN CARE OF ONCE AND FOR ALL and the littlest dancers are the ones to do it.  The secret society envisions teams of dancers storming the monkey dens in cities around the world in one coordinated, choreographed strike.  Before this can happen though, the dancers need to be trained.  Before they can be trained they need to be kidnapped, before they can be kidnapped they need to be identified, before they can be identified they need to be observed – and that is my proud duty.

If we are to fend off the primate hoards, we need to band together into roaming bands of nomadic hunters protected by squads of dancers.  All of the animals are ganging up on humanity – it is time that we struck back.  If we don’t do something soon, we are going to be up against an army of super animals – led by monkeys and fueled by an insane hatred of all things human.  They will put their evil skills to use to enslave us all and make us their beast or burden and foodstuff.

I realize that this is what we have done to animals since the beginning but that is because GOD told us to do it.  I think it is in a book or something where it says, “Kill animals for they are the sons and daughters of the evil beast with fangs and sharp claws.  Slaughter them without mercy.  Eat what you can and discard the rest leaving their worthless bodies to molder on the land or sea or sky.  DESTROY ALL ANIMALS AT ONCE OR SUFFER ETERNAL DAMNATION IN HELL!!!!  THE ONLY POWER GREATER THAN ANIMALS IS DANCE SO TRAIN TO BE SICKLY SKILLED DANCING WARRIORS!!!  GODZILLA WILL NOT SAVE THE WORLD – ALL HAIL DANCE, ALL HAIL DANCE!!  ANDY LAM IS THE LORD OF THE DANCE!! OBEY ANDY LAM OR SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE EVIL ANIMALS!!!!”

Working up quite a sweat and genuinely frightened for all of us, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!!!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, dance, animals, danger

I am STRONG AND BRAVE. How STRONG AND BRAVE am I? Well read on, my friend, read on.

If you can answer “YES!” to more than three of the following statements, you are probably STRONG and BRAVE too (but just not as much as me).

Here is a list of some things that prove I am strong:

I can eat waffles
I can chew with my mouth open
I can open doors with one hand
I can see at night (with a flashlight)
I can pat a dog
I can open a soft drink can easily
I can fight a bull (and WIN!)
I can eat raspberries
I can taunt children
I can unroll toilet paper
I can grease a cookie sheet
I can shake pepper onto my food
I can gargle

Here is a list of some things that prove I am brave:

I can visit a park
I can get a hair cut
I can figure out how much to tip at a restaurant
I can make ice cubes
I can clean a lint screen
I can rinse my hands
I can buy scratch tickets
I can stack plates neatly
I can arrange flowers
I can ignore a telephone
I can ride on an airplane
I can pretend to be itchy
I can use a garden hose

If you took an OX, which is a pretty STRONG animal, and told the ox to gargle, I bet it would be too WEAK to do it. Likewise, if you took a LION, which is a pretty BRAVE animal, and told it to buy a scratch ticket, I bet it would be too SCARED to do it.

Given these facts, I think it is safe to say that I am STRONG and BRAVE.

STRONGER than an OX and BRAVER than a LION, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!!!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Strong, Brave, Lion, Ox

As promised, here is my sensitive side speaking out on my trip to the Titanic.

It took a lot of SOUL SEARCHING to find the right words and format to capture all of the COMPLEX and CONFUSING emotions that washed over me upon seeing the hulk of the most storied and tragic oceanliner of all time.

I tried SO MANY things before I hit upon one that worked. One that really summed up all of the feelings I have (and I’m sure most people have when confronted with the name TITANIC). I am putting this effort out for the world, please know, this comes from the heart.

TITANIC

There once was a ship called Titanic
Its route was transoceanic
The boat was so nice
Till it hit some ice
Then the decks and sea were in panic

Let me be honest. I cried when I wrote this - it means SO MUCH to me.

With a lump in my throat the size of an iceberg, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Titanic, Poem

It all started when I invented a new DEEP SEA DIVING SUIT (DSDS) or DS2. This thing is A MONSTER! With it, I am able to walk across the ocean floor, AS DEEP AS I LIKE! So, that was the plan. I finally got the funding for construction of DS2 about 60 days ago and finished it up last Thursday (Thanksgiving). It took LOTS of METAL, SOME CONCRETE, a few PIECES OF GLASS, SOME RUBBER, a FEW HOSES, SOME CHICKENWIRE and A FAN and now it is complete and has been tested.

(PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! Do NOT try to do this at HOME! The above list is NOT EXHAUSTIVE and these items could be assembled in ways THAT ARE NOT SAFE for UNDERSEA EXPLORATION!)

So, anyhow, I had the crane lower the suit over me, had the seam welded shut and was dropped into the ocean. I sank like a rock. On the top of my helmet was a sturdy ring which held a cable leading to the shore. This was my LIFELINE to the WORLD above.

I hit bottom and started to walk. Needless to say, the suite is cumbersome. Walking was NO PIECE OF CAKE, but I managed. After walking for, oh, about 4 hours, I came across a ship wreck. “NEAT,” I exclaimed, and I started to explore the sunken hulk. Foolishly, I demagnetized the cable mooring on my head so I could explore more freely. (NEVER do this. YOUR LIFELINE TO THE SURFACE IS CRITICAL!)

After poking around for a while, I learned I was ON THE TITANIC!!! If I could have, I would have kicked myself for not seeing that movie. I had no IDEA where to look for the Spanish Doubloons. I made my way into the treasure house and did find a fork and some napkin rings. That is when I realized that my suit had ONE MAJOR FLAW! NO POCKETS! This was really driven home when I came across an ashtray that I REALLY, REALLY wanted.

I tried to balance it on my shoulder but it kept falling off. If only I had thought to bring a bag! Even a camera would have been nice. I ran around the ship trying to REMEMBER EVERYTHING. After about six hours, I got hungry. BINGO!, another problem. No way to eat or drink in the suit.

I was especially reminded of the food issue when I saw a bunch of crabs and lobsters running around the ground. They didn’t run away from me (I don’t think these little fellows are used to seeing live people walking around!). I could have GRABBED one and eaten it all up! I also got hungry when I went into the Titanic’s dining room. Tres Elegante! I sat down for a few minutes and tried to imagine being waited on hand and foot by liveried footmen. Ah, the opulence of it all. [NOTE TO ANDY: GET UNIFORMS FOR SERVANTS!]

After a few hours of this blissful reverie, I decided it was time to return to Dryworld, (this is a new term I have coined, please feel free to add it to YOUR vocabulary). I reattached my helmet cable and hopped onto the back of a whale for a ride to the surface. Imagine my crew’s surprise when they saw a barnacle encrusted ANDY LAM shoot up into the air atop the whales spout. What a day!

I am starting to want to delve back into my sensitive side and poemize this trip so keep your eyes ready, cuz it will be coming soon!

With salt in my pants, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Titanic, Deep Sea Diving, Whale, Crab, Lobster, Ashtray

There are lots of places you can go that don’t take very much thought or planning - the supermarket, the hardware store, the library, the gas station, the movies, school, work, a bridge, an airport, a taxi stand, a hotel, a distant land, a pine tree, a window, a radio station, a park, etc.  As you will note, zoos are not on this list (and while it is not complete or exhaustive, you may take my word on this fact).  This is because going to the zoo - to me and my minions - is much more of an adventure than any of the other things I’ve listed.  I’d like now to share with you details of a trip to the zoo that I had yesterday.

My story starts several weeks ago, when my staff and I started developing our plans.

I’d seen a program on television (which allows one to easily see distant and unusual things) - on something called Animal Planet.  At first I was stunned that someone else had found their way to this planet so far from our own; but upon further investigation I learned that this is the name of a television station which carries programs about animals.  Many of the animals portrayed were familiar to me - lions, dogs, cats, voles, cheetahs, hyenas, ponies, eagles, squirrels, bats, wombats, kangaroos, gerbils, toucans, etc., etc., etc.

One, however, was wholly new and novel to me.  It is called the “elephant.”  I was stunned by this strange and exotic creature.  Its long proboscis, its slow and lumbering gait, its sad and soulful eyes all touched me deeply.  My attempts to research this animal were initially foiled due to the odd spelling of its name.  I had looked up “Leefant,” L-efant,” “Leephant” and more but found nothing.  Finally, after sharing my frustration with a few trusted advisers, I was given the key which would unlock a world of elephant information - the correct spelling of the word.

My first stop, as always, was the dictionary:

elephant |ˈeləfənt| noun ( pl. same or -phants ) 1 a heavy plant-eating mammal with a prehensile trunk, long curved ivory tusks, and large ears, native to Africa and southern Asia. It is the largest living land animal. • Family Elephantidae, order Proboscidea: two species. See African elephant , Indian elephant .

Fascinated, I commenced planning a trip to Africa to see these beasts in their native land.  As I began to calculate the costs and logistics of such a trip, my heart sank.  For me to go and bring along a sufficient number of staff and scientists would be $45,000,000 - a small expense for me but too high for the purposes of this trip.

Stymied, I again turned to my team of experts.  They explained that these animals were here in AMERICA housed in what they termed “zoos.”  I begged them to continue and they told me that zoos where large parks or gardens filled with wild animals.  I was amazed by this fact.  Weren’t these animals liable to escape and cause terrible carnage?  For days I scarcely slept and dared not venture out of doors lest I fall victim to some exotic animal foe.

It was during this time of fear that I resolved to visit on of these zoos in order to overcome my fears.  For the next few weeks I sequestered myself in the LAM LAB preparing for the trip.  I shan’t bore you with the details but suffice to say there was nothing that would stop or injury this fellow when he stepped into the danger zone.

Finally yesterday dawned.  I had been so excited that I had not slept a wink all night; as I watched the sky brighten I checked and rechecked my equipment.  The coach arrived at 4:55 and my team and I silently boarded.  As is my custom, I had forbidden all verbal communication until 6:17.  At 5:40 we arrived at the zoo and went immediately to work.

Alpha team silently scaled the formidable fences, disabled the alarm system and opened the gates. Bravo team and I sought out the elephant enclosure and identified a number of suitable vantage points from which I could observe these animals and carry out my operation.  By 6:15, we were all in place and awaited the next phase of the plan.  For many hours nothing happened.  The elephants could not be seen and the zoo was quiet.

At 9:00 things began to change.  A number of people began to enter the various animal enclosures with food and other supplies.  It was shortly after this that I caught my first sight of an elephant “in the flesh.”  Words fail me when I cast my mind back to that moment.  I sat in the tree and stared in dumb disbelief for almost an hour watching these gentle giants move around their large space.  By this time, the zoo had been opened to the general public and throngs of people were standing before the various cages and enclosures.

I could have stayed in my place all day, just watching, but I was brought back to reality and my mission by a hiss in my ear piece.  “Come in Dr. Doolittle, this is goose one, copy, over.”  I responded at once with “copy” and began preparing for the next phase in the operation.

Bracing my back against the trunk (ha ha - trunk) and my feet on a long sturdy limb, I raised the rifle.  My perch was perfect in that it provided an unobstructed view to the animals, as well as a fine place for resting the weapon.  I took careful aim, held my breath for what felt like hours and gently squeezed the trigger.

The rifles report was like a thunderclap as the expanding gasses forced the projectile down the gun’s barrel.  All of the animals within earshot gave terrible cries and the visitors fell to the ground in terror.  My shot was true and on target and the dart stuck the elephant right on its loose-skinned neck.  It took only moments for the drugs to do their work and the large beast slowly settled to the ground.  I hit the transmit key on my radio and called Goose team as Bravo team and I raced toward the now still animal.

Confusion reigned and those moments of confusion were crucial to my success! Goose team appeared as planned and hovered over the elephant.  Goose team members rappelled from the aircraft, spread a heavy canvas sling across the ground and - with the help of Bravo team and myself - rolled the elephant onto it for extraction.  While the others scampered up ropes and ladders into the aircrafts cargo area, I choose to remain with the elephant.

In under 90 seconds we were beyond the perimeter of the zoo and racing toward the compound.  We reached the site quickly and a team on hand-picked vets leapt into action to ensure the health and safety of my newest prize.  Alpha team, which had remained at the zoo, was tasked with letting everyone know that all was well and that it had been ANDY LAM who had absconded with the animal.

Upon hearing this, fear turned to joy, stress to relief and a fresh breeze of levity replaced the dust that had been kicked up by my helicopter’s rotors.  Everyone one wanted to know all about my plans for the terrific beast.  Of course I am a big one for operational security through compartmentalization and so Alpha team had no knowledge of my plans.  They retrieved my weapon and other gear from the tree and left the the deafening cheers of the zoo staff and patrons alike.

At the compound, the elephant was slow to awaken.  When it did though, it found itself in a new and wonderful home.  I’d decided on the Court of the Sun King (Louis XIV of France) as the theme for the animal’s suite and had had elephant-scale rooms and furniture constructed for the creature’s comfort.  Its first few hours were somewhat destructive (through no fault of its own) but things have since settled down.

As I write this morning, I can hear Sunny (which I have elected to name him, in honor of Louis XIV) happily playing in his rooms.  I shall now conclude this entry and will proceed to the elephant’s chambers for a visit and conversation.

Excited to have a wonderful new friend, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, elephant, zoo, Animal Planet, Louis XIV

Today, someone called “rexovummundi” (don’t you just love the clever names people hide behind online?) posted a link to my earlier blog entry about wanting to talk to angels. Here’s what he had to say “No, not hot chicks, but the ones with wings and harps. He has tried some pretty stupid things and has filled his site with totally illogical posts and links. He needs help, but not the kind he is asking for.”

I wish Mr. Mundi - and others of his ilk - would accept the fact that some of us aspire to higher dreams than playing a bit-part in a three egg omelet!

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Everywhere I look these days ANGELS are getting in touch with people.  It happens all the time in the BIBLE.  Archangel Gabriel recited the KORAN to Mohammad (PBUH).  Moroni told Joseph Smith where to look for the GOLDEN PLATES.  Martha Williamson did and WONDERFUL job with TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL.  Tony Kushner, was inspired by angels when he made up his play ANGELS IN AMERICA (which he called a “gay fantasia on national themes,” something that I don’t get but I bet is good). But have any angels thought to stop by to visit me, ANDY LAM?  The answer, my friends, is no.

I am not saying that angels NEVER visit me because that certainly happens on CHRISTMAS EVE when SANTA (whom I consider to be an angel) visits.  But he visits EVERYONE and I want to be special!  Since Friday I have been agonizing over this situation.  It always get worse this time of year with all of the talk about RELIGION and whatnot.  What should I do to attract the attention of these special messengers of GOD?  I’ve started working on a list:

1. Leave a note under my pillow (no response)
2. Play a recording of me yelling “HEY ANGELS PLEASE STOP BY!!!” over an over really loud (no response)
3. Writing “Angels Welcome” in large rocks on the ground near my compound (no response)
4. Calling into various radio talk shows to say how nice it would be to meet an angel (no response)
5. Leaving cookies and milk near the fireplace (works, but only on Christmas)
6. Buying lots of angel dolls, stickers, books, posters, t-shirts, bumper stickers, buttons, pictures, movies and other assorted items and wearing/using/displaying them to show that I LOVE angels (no response)
7. Sending letters to various religious leaders asking that they intercede on my behalf (no response)
8. Going to the Website www.angel.com (no help - but they have something to do with phones which might make it possible for me to call an angel)
9. Visiting the Website www.yourangels.com (no response - but they have LOTS of angel stuff that could help me do number six (see above) better!)
10. Sending emails/calling/faxing everyone in the world with the name ANGEL (either first or last) to ask them to get in touch with me (mixed response - I am using a team of about 300 people now to work on this project and a few of the “Angels” have gotten back in touch with me but I don’t think the ones I’ve spoken to are special messengers of GOD.  I’m going to give a few of them the benefit of the doubt though because it can be pretty tricky to be sure you’re not talking to a real angel that’s testing you; and the last thing I want to do is offend and REAL ANGEL!!!)

I just wish that I could get some kind of real, honest-to-goodness, unambiguous, undeniable, rock solid, sure as shooting, demonstrable, no doubt about it, the experts all agree, kind of contact.  That would make me even more enviable and wonderful than I already am (as if such a thing were possible!).

There is, of course, another approach that I could take.  It’s not one that I want to do, but if all else fails, I’ve heard that it’s possible to trap one of these celestial beings.  As I said, this would only be a LAST RESORT and one that I would only pursue if my hand WERE FORCED; but it is out there.

Hoping to make friends with an angel, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, angels, Bible, Gabriel, Moroni, “Touched by an Angel”, “Angels in America”, Santa Claus, Martha Williamson, Tony Kushner