The Lamscape

I have come to understand - and solved - one of the greatest challenges faced by humanity. Let me tell you all about it.

In the mornings and evenings, I have sometimes been OVERCOME by a bright light shining into my eyes. To get to the root of this problem I conducted MANY experiments. In preparation for my experiments, I had some henchmen construct as 1,500 foot tower in the center of the compound. With the help of two dozen trained eagles, I was easily able to reach a small platform at the top of the tower. Sitting there one morning before daybreak, I noted that it was dark and that there was no bright light shining in my face.

I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. I noticed the shadow of the tower growing on the ground in front of me. Growing longer and longer and longer and the day became brighter and brighter and brighter. Using a red crayon, I put an “X” on one side of the platform to show that I had not seen the bright light.

I stayed on the tower watching the shadow grow and then it began to get smaller again. Smaller and smaller and smaller until it disappeared! I sat and looked down to the ground to see where the shadow had gone but it was NO WHERE! I looked at the ground for several hours but saw nothing.

When I had looked at the ground for a very LONG TIME, I looked up and there it was! The bright light was in my eyes! It was terrifying! I quickly grabbed a green crayon and made an X next to the red one. The bright light was hurting my eyes but I was going to stay there and study the phenomenon for as long as I could.

Soon, the bright light sank below the horizon and it got dark. Dark and cold. Dark and cold and scary. I took out my experiment book and read my next set of tests. It said I should turn 90 degrees to my right and continue my observations. With the help of a protractor, I was able to measure 90 degrees and once again took up my position. For many hours I observed nothing like the bright light that I’d seen in the afternoon. Nor did I see the shadow of the tower.

As had been the case the previous day, shortly before daybreak I noticed a gradual lightening in the sky and things on the ground began to become visible to me. I stared at the ground waiting to see the bright light or the shadow but in the end saw neither. The watched carefully the entire day until is started to get dark. With my red crayon I made an X to show that nothing had happened.

I wrote a note on a scape of paper - asking for food - an put it into one of the eagle’s beaks. It flew down to the ground. Soon, several wings could be heard flapping and in just a moment a table with food appeared. I ate some delicious items that the eagles brought me. It was wonderful!

Remembering my purpose though, I send the eagles away and took out my experiment book once again. As was the case yesterday, it told me to turn 90 degrees to my right and to continue my observations. Again, I withdrew my protractor, measured the 90 degrees and went to work.

For most of the night it was dark. Dark and cold. Dark and cold and scary. Finally, just before daybreak, the sky started to change color and I could see things on the ground. And then, all at once, the BRIGHT LIGHT WAS IN MY EYES! I hurt and made it hard to see as I struggled to draw a green X on the edge of the platform. For hours the light was going RIGHT INTO MY EYES! Soon though, the light wasn’t in my eyes; but there was that shadow again. Growing, growing, growing it got longer and longer and longer.

With the help of the experiment book and protractor, I repositioned myself to be facing 90 degrees to my right. Through the night - the cold, dark and scary night - I saw nothing. But then, just as happened two nights ago, the sky began to get lighter and the ground became visible. I waited for the bright light but it never came. With my red crayon I drew the X. I sat though the night and found when I turned 90 degrees to my right that I had already drawn a red and green X. My data collection complete, I sent another EAGLE GRAM down to the ground asking that they set up my trampoline.

When I heard the tiny voices calling that it was ready, I launched myself into the sky. Falling for 1500 feet was fun and exhilarating. But it was nothing compared to the bounce! For several hours I bounced - gradually lower and lower until I came to rest in the center of the trampoline. With rubbery legs, I stepped to the ground and promptly collapsed. A team was on hand to rush me into the house where I have been recovering from my ordeal.

Never one to tarry, I begged for a telephone. With it I called one of the world’s preeminent scientists to share and discuss my observations. I explained that when facing in one direction, the bright light went into my eyes later in the day, that facing another direction I didn’t see the bright light at all, that facing a third direction the light was in my eyes early in the day and that facing a fourth direction there was, again, no light in my eyes. The professor peppered me with questions and asked my permission to share my observations with some of his colleagues. A request to which I readily acquiesced.

Early the next day, Klondike (one of my most loyal servants) brought me a telephone. “The professor” was all he had to say. The professor and I spoke for several hours and he asked if I would be willing to present my findings at a conference he was organizing in Geneva. Packing my bags as we spoke, I said yes and told my men to ready the eagles.

On the long flight, I considered what I might say to the august group I would be addressing and what insights they might have into the bright light. My comments were well received and I was touched by their long and loud ovation. In a private discussion, one colleague told me I ought to receive the NOBLE PRIZE and that he was of the opinion that the only thing able to create the light I was describing was a STAR.

This pronouncement seemed unbelievable to me; but soon others were telling me the same thing; that what I had seen could be nothing other than the mysterious STAR. With no other explanation at hand. The gathered experts declared that I, ANDY LAM!, had observed a STAR first hand; and further that this star should be called the LAM. Being modest, I agreed only after they begged and cajoled me for some time.

We further decided that a working group should be formed to determine how to prevent the light from the LAM from hurting people’s eyes. My suggestion, which was adopted by unanimous consent, was that people use their HANDS to block the light from the LAM from hitting them in the eye. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the most elegant.

For the next several weeks, I was the toast of the town and was wined and dined by a veritable who’s-who in science, the arts, industry and government. Not only did I return home with a STAR named after me; but I was also confident that I would be a shoe in for the 2007 Noble Prize in Physics.

Just another in the unending list of my successes.

With more comfortable eyes, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Star, Lam, Light, Green, Red, X, eagles, shadow, Geneva, Noble Prize, Physics, Eyes, tower, trampoline

Like most ridiculously famous people, I have my fair share of fans, admirers and hangers-on. And, for whatever reason, around this time of year many of these folks feel compelled to demonstrate their love and affection for me by proffering various gifts. While I ALWAYS love the be the center of adulations, I do not always like being the recipient of poorly-selected or low-quality gifts. Here is just a small sampling of some of the dross I had to wade through this week en route to more wonderful fare:

• A flock of sheep (see, my name is Lam so people think I like LAMbs; and I DO - with MINT SAUCE! Off to the slaughter house with the lot of them!)
• All of the water in the world - now this may strike some of you (the dumber ones) as impossible; but one fan, a Rex Ovum Mundi (who can be a real crank sometimes) sent me an email that said I was now the owner of all the water in the world. Now some of you might be wondering why I put this on the list of clunkers: I don’t want to deal with it. A few years ago I bought all of the air on the planet (and made a pretty penny selling breathing licenses too I might add); but then found that governments, regulators, and various tree-hugging dogoodniks expected me to clean it up or something. HA!
• A pack or Rolos (for obvious reasons)
• Several stars and craters - what always seems funny to me about this gift is that I’m too modest to ever claim the ones I’ve discovered and explored - let alone the ones that people give to me!
• A bad joke - Q - What did one tree say to the other? A - Boy, I never knew that we could talk!
• Two punches in the stomach - I got a gift card for this that said I needed to go to a certain intersection in a certain city and a certain time to redeem my gift. When I got there, there was a very strong looking stranger who asked if I was ANDY LAM! As soon as I said, “yes,” he hit me twice and ran away. My belly still hurts.

Now, if you will imagine that all of these bad gifts were one side of a coin, on the flip side you will, of course, find good ones. (This is a metaphor. Coins do not have gifts on them - unless the coin itself is a gift. One could also imagine that someone could give a gift of a metallic portrait of a PRESIDENT as a gift, in which case the gift would be ON THE COIN. What I am trying to say is that if you think the gifts I’ve just listed are bad you need to understand that I got some good ones as well).

• A giant laser - Because I love to explore, I often find myself in conflict (or at least disagreements) with highly advanced alien civilizations. This laser will help even the playing field.
• A collection of strange scents - made up of dozens of carefully labeled, double lidded glass jars (one lid with holes poked in it so the smells can escape and the other to keep them from escaping when not in use) that have some of the most wonderful smells from ancient times to modern. Imagine my wonder as I smelled the hold of Noah’s Ark (very smelly), King Tut’s last meal (it smelled like lemonade), smoke from Pompeii, or the first ever McDonald’s hamburger. Let me tell you it was a moving experience. I am going to be working on ways to share this with the children of AMERICA who might be missing out of the thrilling smells of yesteryear.
• An ice cube named Bobby. I don’t know why, but this is one of my favorite gifts. I’ve had a special carrying case made so that Bobby and I can travel and do fun things together. So far we’ve been to the moon, to the circus, to the ice capades (he really liked that one), the grocery story (we spent a lot of time in frozen foods) and the zoo. I can’t wait to hear what he wants to do next!
• A really good joke: Q - what did one rock say to the other? A - I didn’t know we could talk!
• A kick in the pants - At first I was worried this was going to be like the punches; but when I got to the place and said I was ANDY LAM!, a really big guy kicked me really hard right in the seat of my pants. I went flying! It was fun.

As I said, this is only a TINY sample of the THOUSANDS of GIFTS I received. I ask if you plan to reward my wonderfulness with a gift (which is understandable); that you look at this list as a guide for what I will like.

With plenty already but always looking for more, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, gifts, jokes, lambs, mint sauce, trees, lasers, stars, ice, Bobby, moon, rocks, Noah, Noah’s ark, King Tut, smells, scents, coins, Presidents, punch, kick, stomach, pants, water, Rex Ovum Mundi

This has long been one of my favorite stories:

In a fresh example of his failure to gauge the national mood, Vice President Dick Cheney discussed a memorable bowel movement for nearly three minutes during a recent broadcast airing of “Meet the Press.” A stunned Tim Russert stared - his mouth agape - as the story unfolded.

read more | digg story

With a news for news and the scars to prove it, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Dick Cheney, Meet the Press, Tim Russert, Bowel Movement

Egad! Yesterday I wrote about how much people LOVE me and the wonderful ways the come to visit my site.  The love, like a driving summer storm, continues to pour down on me, ANDY LAM!  Here’s what I’m talking about.

When I woke up this morning - at my usual 3:47AM - I noted the murmur of many muffled, yet distinct, voices.  Grabbing a long wrapping paper tube for self-defense, I began crawling across the floor toward the source of the sound.  My principal sleeping chamber is on the 15th floor, so the crawl - down the damp, stone spiral stairs - took me some time. As I pulled myself toward the main gate on my elbows, the murmuring was becoming louder and louder.  As I raised myself to peep through one of the numerous arrow loops in the wall on either side of the gate, a stunning site rushed into my eyes.

For as far as I could see, there was a gathered multitude.  I ran around the wall checking arrow slit after arrow slit and the view was the same in every direction.  From the base of the wall to the distant horizon - there, standing in the cold dark night, were tens of thousands of people.  They stood and shivered together - all hoping simply for a chance to be able to tell their friends and relations that they had caught sight of me, ANDY LAM!

Overcome by emotion, I started to laugh hysterically.  My laughter was like the pealing of a great bright bell and its sound swept over the people like a warming summer breeze.  They began talking among themselves in excited tones.  I could hear them asking each other if they could possibly be hearing my laugh.  Still holding my tube, I mounted the upper wall and began to walk around the perimeter of the compound just laughing and laughing and laughing.

I laughed until I shook, until I felt sick to my stomach and began to vomit.  I vomited onto the ground and that made me laugh even more.  The power of my laughter began to drive the darkness from the sky; and even though it was still too early for the sun to rise, it appeared to see what all of the laughter was about.

In no time flat, the people and the sun and the ground and the sky and the clouds and the walls and the gates and the stars all began to laugh as well and the sounds of all of our laughter went into outer space and reached rocket ships and spacemen and Martians - and they began to laugh too!  Their laughter was mixed with our laughter and it reached alien planets on the other side of the galaxy and they began to laugh on those planets.   Soon, all of the life forms in the Milky Way were laughing and now the laughing spread across the entire UNIVERSE.  And all across the UNIVERSE everyone was laughing until everyone began to feel sick to their stomachs and started to vomit.  But that just made everyone laugh harder.  We all laughed so hard that our laughs went from the UNIVERSE into the ENIVERSE and all the ENERGY began to laugh too.  Soon, all of everything everywhere was rollicking and laughing in one giant festival of laughter.  Tears flowed and it was really something.

When we’d all laughed ourselves out  (you must remember this part since you were there) and caught our breath we all said how wonderful it was to have heard the great UNIVERSAL LAUGH of ANDY LAM!  Even though I am ANDY LAM! I had to agree.

So that’s why I felt overwhelmed.  You would too if the entire UNIVERSE obeyed your every whim.

Stunned at my own wonderfulnes, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Laugh, Universe, Arrow Loop, Wonderful

Once upon a time, there was a group of wonderful musicians.  They were called Cream.  They made music a very long time ago.  Fortunately, the music they made has lived on thanks to recordings that were made back in the olden days.  I bring all of this up because they made up a song called, “I’m so glad” that is about being glad; and glad is what I am today.  Why am I glad?  Because people REALLY, REALLY LOVE ME!

How do I know this?  Because SO MANY of them come to visit The Lamscape every day.  One of the things that I LOVE to do is to try to guess how people have come to visit my site.  Good thing for me the INTERNET has all kinds of special things for keeping track of these sorts of details!

Of course there are many, many, many people who simply make visting the site a part of thier daily life.  These are the smartest people.  Then there are others that visit the site because it is on a site that they visit as a part of their daily life (like digg or the spoof).  These people are very wise.  Then there are the people who are simply lucky.  Lucky people start out by trying to find out something very important and then find me instead!  These lucky people are the most interesting.

• One lucky chap wanted to know about masturbate space station.  I’m sure he was very happy to read all about the Discovery Space Ship and the Masturbation tornament!
• Someone else was interested in dolphin masturbation.  I hope they were able to use what they found!
• Another person was looking for some “hands-on information”: how to maturbate a man demonstrations.  I’ll bet some lucky man is happy about that one!
• Some budding scientist needed to know how much does a gallon of orange juice weigh? And who better to ask than ANDY LAM!
• My site saved the day for a comedian looking for jokes about the animal bobcat.  The audience must have been in stiches!
• An aspiring athlete was curious about masturbation athletes.  I just hope they stay away from the juice!
• A health-conscious searcher wanted to find out more about orange juice and egg white erection dysfunction.  Where better to look than the Lamscape?
• This one confused even me a little, why would someone want to know why do hunters hang dogs by collars? If anyone knows, please, do tell!
• I can’t tell you have often I’ve wondered about this - do koalas masturbate? - but I’ve always been to shy to ask one myself.

This is only a small sample of a few of the fortunate paths people have taken to my virtual door.  I do note - with some dismay - that people seem to be very curious about masturbation.  What do they teach these kids in school these days?

With an answer for everything, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, google, yahoo, masturbation, orange juice, space station, dolphin, hunters, ask.com, koalas, digg

Man o man o man o man. You know, they say that good things come to those who wait. In general, I think that this is pure poppycock. When you see something you want - like an apple or a cookie - it’s best to just reach out and grab it; at least that’s what I always do!

Sometimes though that old adage proves true - and guess what - it just proved true for me last week! Here’s what happened:

I’m certain that most of you recall with glad hearts my suggested commercial for Quaker Oats. It was just a CRAZY idea I tossed out to the four winds to see where it would blow. Now I’m not stupid and nor am I a fool (despite what EVERYONE says about me - ha ha ha) so I wasn’t expecting to hear from anyone (even though it was a really awesome idea). Well hear I did, and not from just anyone, but from THRIFTY ROCKBOTTOM.

Now don’t tell me you don’t know Thrifty Rockbottom. Around here (here being my zip code; no, my area code; no, my city; no, my state; no, my region; no, my time zone; no, my country; no, my continent; no, my hemisphere; no, my planet; no, my solar system; no, my galaxy; no THE UNIVERSE!) Thrifty is THE MAN when it comes to GREAT DEALS and ROCKBOTTOM PRICES.

So THRIFTY called me and said, “Andy, I need some help. I have a bunch of pants to sell - at ROCKBOTTOM PRICES - and I need some S(t)ELLER ideas. I LOVED you oats idea and want to know if you’ve got anything up your PANTLEG that might work for me.”

First of all, I should confess that I was amazed that TR was really talking to me. One reason is that he’s just so BIG that I couldn’t believe he wanted to talk to little old me. The other reason is that he somehow managed to get my personal phone number. While TR is a big deal, I am a GARGANTUAN one and I protect my privacy like a mother whale protects her calf. While speaking with him I jotted a quick not to one of my henchmen and bid him be quick.

Only moments later I heard a scuffle on the other end of the phone and in a few minutes more Thrifty was on the floor before me - hands and ankles tightly bound and duct tape covering his eyes and mouth. I carefully removed the duct tape from his mouth (after warning him not to yell!) and started to discuss the details of his project.

“How many pairs of pants have you got?,” I asked. Thrifty was having some trouble, so I repeated my question - with a gentle nudge of my foot for emphasis. “How many pairs of pants have you got?,” I asked again. Thrifty sounded scared as he started to answer, “What do you mean, what are you talking about?” I nudged him again. “Do you have any idea who you’re talking to, or where you are?,” I asked. It turned out that he did not, so I let him know he was talking with AND LAM and that he was in my inner sanctum.

When he heard this, his demeanor totally changed. He struggled to face the sound of my voice and a big smile brightened his face. “Are you serious?,” he asked, “I can’t tell you how WONDERFUL I think you are! I can’t wait to tell people that I’ve actually met you.” At a silent signal from me, one of my henchmen brought a cricket bad down hard across his thighs. I don’t know if it was the pain or the surprise but Thrifty jerked and rolled away from the blow.

“I’d prefer it if we kept this meeting just between us girls,” I said with a laugh (you see, this was funny because Thrifty and I are NOT girls!). He whimpered out his assent. “Good,” I continued, “now, tell me, how many pairs of pants to you have?” He seemed to be doing some sort of MATH as he mumbled out a series of numbers under his breath. “Probably 400 pairs,” he finally answered. “And what colors and sizes?” I asked. “Mostly 34 in waist and 32 inseams - and they’re gray, navy blue, you know, just regular colors,” he said.

At my signal, another blow struck him, this one across the shoulder. “No,” I said, “I don’t know. You’ll have the do better than that when your working with me.” He lay on the floor, sweating and sobbing. Over the course of several hours of this kind of casual give and take, I managed to collect the details I would need. I had my men bring him to a rest stop not far from his home and set to work. Here’s what I came up with:

• Are you feeling bad because pants cost you too much?
• Do you wish you could get nice pants for less money?
• If the answer is yes, today is your lucky day!
• Thrifty Rockbottom has a lot of pants - 400 pairs - for sale.
• They are going to fit you if you are a regular sized guy with a 34 inch waist and a 32 inch inseam.
• You are going to like them if you like the colors gray, navy blue and black.
• Buying a pair (or more) will make you a better person.

When I had this copy read to him from the stall next to the one he was being held in he really seemed to like it.  I make it clear that for the ad to be most effective it should be read by a parrot - a suggestion Thrifty readily agreed with.  The deal agreed upon (I would make three cents per pair or pants sold - for a maximum of $12) we met at an abandoned Dairy Queen near Lansing Michigan to sign the paperwork.

Thrifty was wary of me at first, but my enthusiasm soon won him over and we were swapping stories like two long lost pals.  The details out of the way, I dispatched teams to all of the pet stores in North America to find the most golden-throated parrot in the land so I can start training it to read the commercial.  I can’t wait.

With $12 sure to be heading my way soon, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, pants, Thrifty, Rockbottom, Parrot, Cricket, Dairy Queen, Advertising

My nose for news sure is paying off!  I have a real knack for finding the TRUTH!!

Beijing - Contrary to earlier reports, the diner who ate the last remaining Chinese white dolphin or bajji was not a westerner but was, in fact, Bao Xishun, the 7 foot nine inch herder from Inner Mongolia. Bao, the world’s tallest man, attempted to make amends for his shameful meal by assisting veterinarians in saving the lives of two dolphins.

read more | digg story

Always on the lookout for the next big scoop, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Dolphin, Bao Xishun, Bajii, Chinese white dolphin

[This story was originally writted for thespoof.com]

USA Rocket Blasts Off!

Today a rocket ship from the USA went zooming off into outer space. When the rocket blasted off, there was a lot of flames, smoke and sparks. Inside the rocket were a bunch of astronauts. These heroic fliers are some of the greatest Americans that have ever lived. They are brave and are ready for exciting adventures in the stars.

The mission of these spacemen is to visit a space station. They will bring the space men on the space station food and drinks along with some mail and some things they need to live and work in space. All of the astronauts are very excited to be visiting a space station. For some of the space men this will be their first trip to the stars. For some of the other space travelers this trip is familiar because they have been to space before.

As soon as the space men got into space they stopped their rocket and made sure that everything was OK. Going to space is very dangerous and it is easy for a space ship to get broken when it flies away from the planet earth. That is why the have to check it. What they do is look out of the windows to see if there is anything broken. They also have cameras on sticks that let them look at places they can’t see from the windows. Other times they put on their space suits to have a first hand look at their space craft.

Whatever the astronauts are doing, they are being watched by people on the earth. They make sure that the astronauts have the right amount of air, food and water to keep them safe in space. They also tell them when it is time to go to bed and when it is time to get up. This is important because in space it is always dark and so sometimes astronauts stay up too late and get over tired. When this happens they can make mistakes.

A mistake in space can cost the astronauts dearly! Most of the time if there is a mistake with a rocket or spaceship you know that someone is not going to be coming back to the earth safely. When this happens everyone in America and the world is sad. So even though it is very nice when the spaceship goes into outer space, it is not all fun and games up there.

The name of the latest rocket to go to space is the Discovery. Besides bringing the food to the space men on the space station, the astronauts on the Discovery rocket are also helping build new rooms on the space station. These rooms will let more astronauts live in outer space and they will build a new home for America on the moon someday. They will also make a place for the Discovery to land on the moon.

According the the NASA, once there are people living on the moon with rockets they will blast off to planet Mars where there is water. With water life is possible and so soon we will have people living on Mars. All of this is thanks to the brave astronauts that blasted off in the Discovery rocket.

Technorati Tags: Space, astronauts, Discovery, Rocket, space station, Moon, Mars

My oh my oh my oh my.  I am such as super lucky guy!

My stories are once again gracing the pages of The Spoof - and the response couldn’t be greater!  Is it possible that this is the big break into professional journalism that I’ve been hoping for?  Only time will tell.

With a nose for news, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

This is an item I penned for an online news site.  It was rejected because they felt the topic was too “touchy.”  See what you think.

With more than lead my pencil, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Masturbation Tournament Rocked By Doping Scandal

Twentynine Palms, Calif. – NCAA officials have disclosed that members of varsity masturbation squads from twenty two colleges and universities have tested positive for the presence of prohibited agents.  The tests, administered at the start of last week’s 2006 Manhander Cup, found traces of prescription medications for combating erectile dysfunction and various numbing creams.

Competitive masturbation, a sport that is growing in popularity, pits athletes against one another in three classes: sprint, marathon and volume.  All of the cases under investigation involved marathon masturbators.

“These young men condition themselves to maintain, and stimulate, an erection for extremely long periods of time,” explained Nick LaChance, head coach of the University of Massachusetts Not Minutemen.  “You can imagine how the combination of these creams and Viagra, for example, would give athletes an unfair advantage.”

When confronted with results indicating some of his own students had tested positive, Coach LaChance acknowledged that during training some team members may use prohibited substances or devices, but that the University frowns on the practice.  “We care about the health of every member of this team,” explained LaChance, “and monkeying around with these drugs isn’t in our play book.”

As the stakes get higher however, many experts believe what had once been an idle passtime will soon become just another cash cow – for everyone except the athletes.

One NCAA official, speaking on condition on anonymity, lamented the situation.  “Five, ten years ago, these kids would be practicing diligently and competing in relative obscurity,” he explained, “masturbating for the love of the sport.  Now, we’re seeing scouts showing up at high school meets, enticing these Jacks [as competitive masturbators are called] with the promise of scholarships and the dream of turning pro. It’s really sad,” he lamented, “so few will ever make it, but they keep on coming.”

Brian [not his real name], a junior at a large mid-western university, claims he continues to masturbate simply because he enjoys it.  “I like the feeling I get when I’m up there on stage working it against the other Jacks,” he explains, “I feel good seeing my father beaming when I break that one hour mark and I love the attention I get from the other kids at school.”

Asked if he had ever used any of the substances under investigation, Brian declined to answer, offering instead to provide a demonstration of his masturbatory prowess.  “Look,” he grunted, “I can do it like this for hours.  Do you really think I need the drugs?”

The steadiness of his hand – and the determined look on his face – spoke volumes.  For this young man pursuing his dream, masturbation was still a labor of love.

Technorati Tags: sports, doping, masturbation