First of all, let me say for the record, that I am a ravishingly hot man.  Women of every race, class, income level, ethnic group, educational attainment and sexual persuasion constantly badger me to have amorous liaisons.  While I won’t deny that their attentions are flattering, I never do anything to pursue these opportunities as my heart belongs to one alone.

Despite this raw passion that I clearly posses in great abundance, I am constantly being hectored by purveyors over every flim-flam aide de romance that has ever been invented!  I need no pills or lotions or creams or devices to enhance my potency!  I am not looking for any scents or chemicals to lure ladies to my lair of love!  I eschew all solicitations for interludes romantic, sexual or deeply personal!

It is insulting to have anyone assume that I - ANDY LAM! - the Lord of Love - needs help with anything aside from gentling breaking the tender hearts that are proffered to me every day!

Sheldolina was the most recent one.  Just after noon today, a scant two hours ago, there was a desperate rapping on my studies door.  Deep in thought, I first attempted to ignore the persistent noise; but found that I could not.  My initial assumption was that the rapper was one of my staff attempting to reach me with critical news.  As I had left explicit instructions that I was not to be disturbed, I approached the resounding door with a mounting sense of wrath.

When I flung it open - prepared to set loose a terrible torrent of invective - I saw, instead or a cowering crony, a comely vixen.  Shocked (but not surprised) I took a step back into the room.  “Oh, Andy,” she began, “please forgive me!  My name is Sheldolina and I’ve come to you - against the wished of my family and friends - to offer myself to you in every sense of the word.  Please,” she begged, “make me your concubine!”

She was, at this point, on her knees - her hands clasped at her bosom - tears flowing freely down her pretty cheeks.  “Ever since I heard your name and of your adventures,” she continued, “I promised myself that I would not stop until I’d been joined with you in sexual union.  Please help me fulfill my dream!”

Unbeknownst to her,  I had surreptitiously triggered the silent alarm I’d had installed for just this circumstance.  “My darling girl,” I began, in my most soothing tone, “my dear and darling Sheldolina, were it only possible for me to honor your request!  There would be no room in my heart for any greater joy!

“But alas, my heart is spoken for - and I, like you, pine in agony for the love and attention of the object of my desire.  Her name,” I continued, “is Loretta, and her beauty is unparalleled in this world or the next.  Unlike you and I - who are kept apart by walls of love I have built around my heart - Loretta and I are kept apart by walls of stone and bars of steel.  My great love molders even now in prison for a crime I know she did not commit.”

As I thus held Sheldolina’s attention, my men had silently crept into the room.  At my signal, they threw a net over her and bundled her out of the room.  I could hear her heart-breaking cries as they carried her from my presence.

In time, the echoes of her lonely heart left mine and I again resumed my studies.  I was certain that my heart had hardened to the point that these impassioned pleas had no effect; but I saw the page I was reading blotted with my own tears.

Clearly, I need no help in matters of the heart!

With a passion for fun, yet loyal to one, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: sex, romance, creams, pills, lotions, Andy Lam, Sheldolina, Loretta, tears, alarms, nets, arms, hearts, love, passion

While I enjoy taking daring and unnecessary risks, I do NOT consider myself a gambler.  I have eaten poison, been set of fire, allowed myself to be bitten by a lion, sanded my knees vigorously, listened to uncomfortably loud sounds, had arrows fired into my flanks, assaulted an officer, kissed a shark and agreed not to eat for a week - to name just a few - all on dares, larks or spur-of-the-moment impulses.  Nevertheless, I don’t consider any of this gambling.

Why, then, do so many people get in touch with me - ANDY LAM - regarding gambling?  I get emails, phone calls, telegrams, letters, comment spam, faxes, SMS messages, packages, notes passed to me by strangers, subliminal messages delivered through advertisements, movies and television programs, messages written in the sky, conveyed to me by birds and other animals - all trying to convince me that I should take up games of chance.

What reckless and bad advice!

While it is one thing to take chances with my body, life or health (or those of my friends), it is another thing entirely to do the same with money.  That is just wrong and irresponsible.  And it isn’t as if I don’t have money to burn (which I have and do on a regular basis) but I simply don’t want to give any of my money to people that I don’t know.

If you ask anyone that knows me, they will tell you that I am willing to give them as much money as they ask for as often as I ask.  I have one friend, Bondo, who asked me for $10,000 per day.  Does that bother me?  Of course not!  Do I give it to him?  Of course I do!  Why wouldn’t I?  I am ANDY LAM and these sums mean nothing for me!

The difference is that I know Bondo.  He was standing by the side of a wind-swept highway when I jumped out of my air ship, challenged him to a duel on the spot and was beaten senseless by him with a cudgel.  I put that behind me because that is what friends do.  Now, I give him a big bag of money every day.  It makes me happy and it makes him happy; and at the end of the day could you ask for anything more?

Angry about all of this gambling talk, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, gambling, danger, dare, bondo, cudgel, sanded, shark, email, SMS, phone, poison, arrows, airship

As are people with a lick of good sense know, I am a HUGE fan of Loni Anderson. I took the occasion the past week to watch every thing that she has done over her long career. From her first appearance as Miss Texas on “S.W.A.T.” back in 1975 to her work in 2006 as Kiki Spelling in “So noTORIous,” I watched everything. And believe me, this was no small task - Loni has appeared in 160 different TV programs or movies!

It took my team of archivists and researchers months to track everything down but the result was well worth the effort. For seven magical days and nights I was able to watch Loni in all of her glory! Interestingly, the role that most caught my imagination was her voice work as Flo in “All Dogs go to Heaven” (1989). It was so moving. It made me wonder, do all dogs really go to heaven? Being the scientist that I am, I couldn’t leave the question hanging and so I went to work to find the answer.

I started by getting two dogs. One was Butchie, a hound that has been nothing but wonderful his entire life. (He comes from a farm up the road.) The other was Waggles, a two year old terrier that everyone hates. (He is owned by the lady that owns the beauty shop I go to.)

• Butchie will do anything for anyone. Waggles will only bite.
• Butchie likes pets. Waggles won’t let you touch him.
• Butchie is a good listener. Waggles only barks.
• Butchie never steals food. Waggles takes anything he can get.

In short, Butchie is a good dog and Waggles is a bad dog.

What a better pair could I have obtained for my experiment! I fitted each with a global posisitioning tracking device and a radio transmitter. Next I had my men take them to a field and shoot them. Now the waiting began.

I sat in my lab watching their GPS signals. There was no movement. I also listened in to hear if there were any harps playing; but there were not. All I could hear was the sound of passing traffic, birds and the occasional jet passing over head. After this state of affairs continued for several days I felt ready to release my findings. You are among the first to learn what I did through careful experimentation: all dogs do not go to heaven. If you shoot them in a field they will stay right were you left them.

I was very disappointed by all of this. Upset to the point that I am planning on sending Loni details of my research so that she will know the truth. I feel sad that Butchie is dead. His owners will be mad if they find out what happened to him. I don’t feel bad about Waggles though. He was a bad dog.

A curious person in every sense, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Loni Anderson, SWAT, noTORIous, All Dogs go to Heaven, Dogs, GPS, Radio, dead, heaven, Andy Lam