The Lamscape

There aren’t many people that have secrets anymore. I have found out that on the internet all secrets are automatically shared with everyone else so that everyone is the same and equal and knows everything about everyone else.  At first this made me scared because there are things that I have done in my life that haven’t been very good.  But then I found out this was true for everyone and I felt much better.

OK.  So now that you know everything about everyone, I have something to say: I have a secret.  That’s right, I know something that no one else knows.  As soon as I gained possession of this fact I ran and hid so that no one would be able to take it from me.  I also started practicing going onto the Internet without telling everyone everything so that my secret would be safe.

On the first day of my secret, I only went on to the Internet for like seven hours.  The next day I went on for nine hours.  The next day I went on for 12 hours.  The next day I went on for 17 hours.  Finally I was able to go on for my usual 24 hours without saying anything about my secret.

Today is the first day I have allowed myself to use the Internet while I have been awake and it has been very hard for me to be on here and not talking about my secret.  I guess that part of me would like everyone to know the news because it is just so wonderful and exciting; but since it is the world’s LAST secret I am going to hold on to it for a while.

It’s really hard though.

Really really hard.

I really want to go to the store and maybe whisper it to a clerk.  Or go to a McDonald’s and tell it to the drive-up menu.  That wouldn’t be like telling a person so it might be alright.  I was also thinking about writing it on a piece of paper, flashing it in front of Mr. Oz (on of my henchmen), blinding him and then burning the paper.  My only worry is that he might remember what it said and say it to someone else.

I might be willing to give people clues about my secret.  In fact, that is what I am going to do.  Here is the first clue - it has nothing to do with popcorn.  It also has nothing to do with the ocean.  It also has nothing to do with breakfast.  It also has nothing to do with rotating your tires.  It also has nothing to do with plastic bottle caps.  It also has nothing to do with the number eight.  It also has nothing to do with haircuts.  It also has nothing to do with the clouds.  It also has nothing to do with ears.  It also has nothing to do with the color purple.  It also has nothing to do with the phrase ‘it also has nothing to do with.’

As you can probably guess from all of these clues, this is a very deep and exciting thing that I know.  Tomorrow I am going to carve it on the bark of a tree.  Then I am going to cut the tree down and make it into a house.  That is going to be my secret house.  It is going to be in the woods.  I am going to get some bats and other scary things to be near the house to scare intruders away.  That way I will be near my secret but my secret will be safe.

With news so shocking it will amaze you, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!!

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