HELLO!
I am not the most writingist guy on planet earth; but from time-to-time I do try to put things onto this blog of mine. I also attempt to read something every day. Because I am so busy I employ a large number of people to read things for me. The meet with me in the morning to get a list of things that I might be interested in reading about. For example, here is the list from this morning:
- Koalas
- Cupcakes
- Trucks
- The Alphabet
- Clouds
- Raisins
- Cameras
- Tofu
- Cards
- Mirrors
- Tissues
Frankly, this is a short list by my standards but I had a lot on my mind this morning. Once the List Maker has completed his task, he brings the List to the Master of the Readers. The Master of the Readers reviews the list and assigns topics to members of my Stable of Readers. This is a group of 45 people that have been hand selected for their ability to read. There is no combination of letters that these fellows can’t decipher. For example, one day, in an effort to test them, I wrote the following string of seemingly meaningless letters on a piece of paper: T U E S D A Y. Almost all of them were able to correctly identify the word “Tuesday.” I was impressed.
So today they received the list above and began their task of amassing written information - reading. Once they reach their full capacity, these readers are granted an audience to present me with their information. Today I learned that the alphabet is the name for the letters we use to make words. Each letter (which corresponds to a speech sound) is expressed graphically to allow the easy transfer of ideas in a written form. In English there are 26 letters in the alphabet.
While listening to information on tissues, a reader burst into my chamber with urgent news. He had been assigned TOFU. “Mr. Lam!,” he screamed, “I have to breaking news that you need to hear.” Unused to being so rudely interrupted, I bade him be silent. Once we had both regained our composure, I allowed him to proceed.
He explained that while reading about TOFU, he had come across writings that mentioned me, ANDY LAM! Astonished, I ordered him to show these writings to me. Hoisted in my chair upon the shoulders of my bearers, I was rushed to the reading nook. There, in the corner of the room, was the terminal where this reader had been doing his work. My chair was gently lowered and I was presented with the computer.
There, on the screen, I was greeted by a barrage of very bad words. The person who had mentioned my name seemed to use bad words a lot. The writing in question was entitled: Dear A-Hole - how hungry and dealt with the distaste for TOFU (which he expressed in vulgar terms. Finished the brief story, I called the reader to me. “I see no reference to ANDY LAM! anywhere in this article,” I bellowed, “why did you barge in on my learning time on tissues!”
Abashed, he slowly pointed his finger to the side of the screen. There, as plain as day, was my name - ANDY LAM! - included in the writers blogroll. I slapped myself in the face hard three times for having shouted at my reader and then rushed (as fast as my bearers could race) to my own computer throne. It is there I sit now, penning these words and planning my response to the vulgarian who’s opted to misappropriate my name.
I feel so terrible that my name has been associated with this person’s writings and pray that no one will think that I condone the language or ideas this foul person espouses.
Full of rage and expectations of justice, I am. . .
ANDY LAM!
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