Andy Lam - All Dogs DO NOT go to Heaven!
As are people with a lick of good sense know, I am a HUGE fan of Loni Anderson. I took the occasion the past week to watch every thing that she has done over her long career. From her first appearance as Miss Texas on “S.W.A.T.” back in 1975 to her work in 2006 as Kiki Spelling in “So noTORIous,” I watched everything. And believe me, this was no small task - Loni has appeared in 160 different TV programs or movies!
It took my team of archivists and researchers months to track everything down but the result was well worth the effort. For seven magical days and nights I was able to watch Loni in all of her glory! Interestingly, the role that most caught my imagination was her voice work as Flo in “All Dogs go to Heaven” (1989). It was so moving. It made me wonder, do all dogs really go to heaven? Being the scientist that I am, I couldn’t leave the question hanging and so I went to work to find the answer.
I started by getting two dogs. One was Butchie, a hound that has been nothing but wonderful his entire life. (He comes from a farm up the road.) The other was Waggles, a two year old terrier that everyone hates. (He is owned by the lady that owns the beauty shop I go to.)
- Butchie will do anything for anyone. Waggles will only bite.
- Butchie likes pets. Waggles won’t let you touch him.
- Butchie is a good listener. Waggles only barks.
- Butchie never steals food. Waggles takes anything he can get.
In short, Butchie is a good dog and Waggles is a bad dog.
What a better pair could I have obtained for my experiment! I fitted each with a global posisitioning tracking device and a radio transmitter. Next I had my men take them to a field and shoot them. Now the waiting began.
I sat in my lab watching their GPS signals. There was no movement. I also listened in to hear if there were any harps playing; but there were not. All I could hear was the sound of passing traffic, birds and the occasional jet passing over head. After this state of affairs continued for several days I felt ready to release my findings. You are among the first to learn what I did through careful experimentation: all dogs do not go to heaven. If you shoot them in a field they will stay right were you left them.
I was very disappointed by all of this. Upset to the point that I am planning on sending Loni details of my research so that she will know the truth. I feel sad that Butchie is dead. His owners will be mad if they find out what happened to him. I don’t feel bad about Waggles though. He was a bad dog.
A curious person in every sense, I am . . .
ANDY LAM!
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