The Lamscape

Right now, right this very moment, one of the many thoughts occurring in my oh so spacious head is about water.  I am thinking about drinking some water.  There is some water to drink very close to my right arm.  It would not take too much effort for me to pause in my typing and to reach for that water and to raise the bottle to my lips and to part said lips and to welcome the cool water into my mouth and to swallow the water carefully (so I don’t choke on it) and to feel the water traveling down my throat and into my stomach where it will remain for a brief time before it travels through the rest of my digestive system until it reaches my bladed and is voided (I’m not really clear what happens between my stomach and bladder but I’ll be it is super interesting).

I am also able to look at water.  If I cast my gaze slightly to the right, and a little bit down, I can see the bottle of water I just mentioned in the paragraph proceeding this one.  What is interesting about looking at water is that there really isn’t that much to see.  This water is clear and it is in a clear bottle.  In fact, I can’t really be sure that I am seeing it at all.  It is possible that all I am seeing (or think I am seeing) is a mirage.  I also notice that it is not very easy to taste water.  Water is also not very smelly or noisy.  (It can be both but I try to stay away from smelly water especially.)  The  most important sense when it comes to water is the sense of touch.  Water is, more than anything else, something you can feel.

My thoughts about water - aside from what I have written about in the two proceeding paragraphs - are focused on water skiing.  I have never water skied successfully but have seen it done on many occasions.  In these past few minutes, I have imagined myself water skiing.  In my imagination, I am wearing a pair of yellow and red flower print swim trunks and an orange life vest.  I am watching myself from the perspective of someone sitting on the boat that is pulling me.  I see myself waving one arm excitedly over my head as I cross the boats wake again and again.

Now I am thinking of another use for water.  This is as something to give animals when they are thirsty.  I have tried giving animals a variety of liquids in the past (as part of government funded experiments): Castor oil, cod liver oil, soda, beer, scotch, bourbon, wine, sake, milk, orange juice, lemonade, coffee, tea, hot chocolate, melted ice cream, soup, broth, maple syrup, blood, paint, tears, perspiration, urine, rain, honey, ink, cough medicine, yogurt, sap, bird vomit, egg whites, pancake batter, Gatorade, vodka, coconut milk, vanilla extract, food coloring, shampoo, mouthwash, kaluah, etc.  I have never knowingly given an animal anything to drink that was bad for them but I can tell you that some of the thing’s I’ve just listed were NOT GOOD.

Getting an animal drunk may seem like a good idea but it is not.  A dog that has had a few too many may suddenly cease to be mans best friend and turn, instead, into a real beast.  I recall one afternoon, a Sunday in May I believe - a  Mother’s Day if I am not mistaken (and trust me, I am not) - that I found this out first hand.

I, joined by 40 colleagues, disended on the dining room of one of the city’s FANCIEST restaurants.  For this experiment, each of us was wearing dark glasses and carrying the red and white canes often associated with the visually challenged.  We each, also, of course, had a guide dog to help us find our way about town.  While the restaurant staff was dubious, they nevertheless were willing to seat us.  (Half our number had donned wigs so as to pose as mothers - it was a very convincing ruse.)  No sooner had we been seated then we started ordering drinks.

As quickly as the drinks were delivered we requested more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more.  And as we received them we, by various clever slights of hand, distracted our waiters and waitresses while we poured the liquor discreetly into dog bowls for our dogs to lap up.  This went on for some time until the animals began showing clear signs of intoxication.  In some this took the form of sleep, in others agitation and in yet others uncontrollable barking.   I was carefully taking notes on what was occurring (the fact that I was writing raised some eyebrows).

Our plan had been to intoxicate the dogs and then to set them free in the dining room to see what would happen next.  And so, for the sake of science, this is what we did.  Each of use reached to our dogs collars and removed their leashes.  We then began puffing on dog whistles.  The did not seem to work because they did not produce any sound. So we moved to plan B.  This involved us throwing tennis balls for the dogs to catch.  This proved to be far more effective.

What had been a decreasingly placid Mother’s Day brunch was quickly transformed into a dashing, running, barking, crashing, slobbering, leaping, scampering, vomiting, urinating, defecating scene of chaos.  Tables were upended as people tried to avoid the dogs (or as dogs leapt onto the them to retrieve their balls).  Once the dogs were free they also began eating with abandon - not caring whose plate they raided (or even the buffet for that matter).

Angry eyes (and I do mean ANGRY) flashed from every direction at me, my colleagues and our dogs.  But just when things seemed as though they would get out of control, I pulled my megaphone from my bad.  “Attention,” I shouted, “I am ANDY LAM! and I am conducting a very important experiment!”

With these words, a hush fell over the room (even the dogs heeded their master’s voice).  People took their seats and slowly, one by one, started to applaud.  In minutes the very air shook with the warmth of their cheers and clapping.  I stood to acknowledge them and then, with a clap of my own hands, summoned my team and our dogs.  Like a well-drilled army, all fell into line behind me and we marched out to the ovation of the restaurant staff and patrons.  It was a wonderful day.

Although I misplaced the original notes from that experiment, I do recall a few of my findings:

• Dogs, like people, become inebriated when they have ingested large quantities of alcohol’s.
• Like people, dogs are not able to moderate or control their behavior when they have been drinking
• Dogs are more likely than people to behave poorly when drunk
• Dogs observe no standards for public behavior, comportment or decency when they have been drinking
• All of the above facts are forgotten if you are ANDY LAM!

I also recall that I let my funding agency know that alcohol was an inappropriate beverage for dogs - but that I could not be sure whether the same held true for other animals until I had conducted further experiments.  (Sadly, further funding was not made available and so similar tests on other animals have not yet happened.)

Now very ready for that water, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, dogs, Castor oil, cod liver oil, soda, beer, scotch, bourbon, wine, sake, milk, orange juice, lemonade, coffee, tea, hot chocolate, melted ice cream, soup, broth, maple syrup, blood, paint, tears, perspiration, urine, rain, honey, ink, cough medicine, yogurt, sap, bird vomit, egg whites, pancake batter, Gatorade, vodka, coconut milk, vanilla extract, food coloring, shampoo, mouthwash, kaluah, Mother’s Day, experiment, drinking, water, restaurant

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 29th, 2006 at 3:59 pm and is filed under Science, Fine Dining. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.