Andy Lam - when the LAM gets in your eyes
I have come to understand - and solved - one of the greatest challenges faced by humanity. Let me tell you all about it.
In the mornings and evenings, I have sometimes been OVERCOME by a bright light shining into my eyes. To get to the root of this problem I conducted MANY experiments. In preparation for my experiments, I had some henchmen construct as 1,500 foot tower in the center of the compound. With the help of two dozen trained eagles, I was easily able to reach a small platform at the top of the tower. Sitting there one morning before daybreak, I noted that it was dark and that there was no bright light shining in my face.
I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. I noticed the shadow of the tower growing on the ground in front of me. Growing longer and longer and longer and the day became brighter and brighter and brighter. Using a red crayon, I put an “X” on one side of the platform to show that I had not seen the bright light.
I stayed on the tower watching the shadow grow and then it began to get smaller again. Smaller and smaller and smaller until it disappeared! I sat and looked down to the ground to see where the shadow had gone but it was NO WHERE! I looked at the ground for several hours but saw nothing.
When I had looked at the ground for a very LONG TIME, I looked up and there it was! The bright light was in my eyes! It was terrifying! I quickly grabbed a green crayon and made an X next to the red one. The bright light was hurting my eyes but I was going to stay there and study the phenomenon for as long as I could.
Soon, the bright light sank below the horizon and it got dark. Dark and cold. Dark and cold and scary. I took out my experiment book and read my next set of tests. It said I should turn 90 degrees to my right and continue my observations. With the help of a protractor, I was able to measure 90 degrees and once again took up my position. For many hours I observed nothing like the bright light that I’d seen in the afternoon. Nor did I see the shadow of the tower.
As had been the case the previous day, shortly before daybreak I noticed a gradual lightening in the sky and things on the ground began to become visible to me. I stared at the ground waiting to see the bright light or the shadow but in the end saw neither. The watched carefully the entire day until is started to get dark. With my red crayon I made an X to show that nothing had happened.
I wrote a note on a scape of paper - asking for food - an put it into one of the eagle’s beaks. It flew down to the ground. Soon, several wings could be heard flapping and in just a moment a table with food appeared. I ate some delicious items that the eagles brought me. It was wonderful!
Remembering my purpose though, I send the eagles away and took out my experiment book once again. As was the case yesterday, it told me to turn 90 degrees to my right and to continue my observations. Again, I withdrew my protractor, measured the 90 degrees and went to work.
For most of the night it was dark. Dark and cold. Dark and cold and scary. Finally, just before daybreak, the sky started to change color and I could see things on the ground. And then, all at once, the BRIGHT LIGHT WAS IN MY EYES! I hurt and made it hard to see as I struggled to draw a green X on the edge of the platform. For hours the light was going RIGHT INTO MY EYES! Soon though, the light wasn’t in my eyes; but there was that shadow again. Growing, growing, growing it got longer and longer and longer.
With the help of the experiment book and protractor, I repositioned myself to be facing 90 degrees to my right. Through the night - the cold, dark and scary night - I saw nothing. But then, just as happened two nights ago, the sky began to get lighter and the ground became visible. I waited for the bright light but it never came. With my red crayon I drew the X. I sat though the night and found when I turned 90 degrees to my right that I had already drawn a red and green X. My data collection complete, I sent another EAGLE GRAM down to the ground asking that they set up my trampoline.
When I heard the tiny voices calling that it was ready, I launched myself into the sky. Falling for 1500 feet was fun and exhilarating. But it was nothing compared to the bounce! For several hours I bounced - gradually lower and lower until I came to rest in the center of the trampoline. With rubbery legs, I stepped to the ground and promptly collapsed. A team was on hand to rush me into the house where I have been recovering from my ordeal.
Never one to tarry, I begged for a telephone. With it I called one of the world’s preeminent scientists to share and discuss my observations. I explained that when facing in one direction, the bright light went into my eyes later in the day, that facing another direction I didn’t see the bright light at all, that facing a third direction the light was in my eyes early in the day and that facing a fourth direction there was, again, no light in my eyes. The professor peppered me with questions and asked my permission to share my observations with some of his colleagues. A request to which I readily acquiesced.
Early the next day, Klondike (one of my most loyal servants) brought me a telephone. “The professor” was all he had to say. The professor and I spoke for several hours and he asked if I would be willing to present my findings at a conference he was organizing in Geneva. Packing my bags as we spoke, I said yes and told my men to ready the eagles.
On the long flight, I considered what I might say to the august group I would be addressing and what insights they might have into the bright light. My comments were well received and I was touched by their long and loud ovation. In a private discussion, one colleague told me I ought to receive the NOBLE PRIZE and that he was of the opinion that the only thing able to create the light I was describing was a STAR.
This pronouncement seemed unbelievable to me; but soon others were telling me the same thing; that what I had seen could be nothing other than the mysterious STAR. With no other explanation at hand. The gathered experts declared that I, ANDY LAM!, had observed a STAR first hand; and further that this star should be called the LAM. Being modest, I agreed only after they begged and cajoled me for some time.
We further decided that a working group should be formed to determine how to prevent the light from the LAM from hurting people’s eyes. My suggestion, which was adopted by unanimous consent, was that people use their HANDS to block the light from the LAM from hitting them in the eye. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the most elegant.
For the next several weeks, I was the toast of the town and was wined and dined by a veritable who’s-who in science, the arts, industry and government. Not only did I return home with a STAR named after me; but I was also confident that I would be a shoe in for the 2007 Noble Prize in Physics.
Just another in the unending list of my successes.
With more comfortable eyes, I am . . .
ANDY LAM!
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