Andy Lam - why do so many people contact me about sex?
First of all, let me say for the record, that I am a ravishingly hot man. Women of every race, class, income level, ethnic group, educational attainment and sexual persuasion constantly badger me to have amorous liaisons. While I won’t deny that their attentions are flattering, I never do anything to pursue these opportunities as my heart belongs to one alone.
Despite this raw passion that I clearly posses in great abundance, I am constantly being hectored by purveyors over every flim-flam aide de romance that has ever been invented! I need no pills or lotions or creams or devices to enhance my potency! I am not looking for any scents or chemicals to lure ladies to my lair of love! I eschew all solicitations for interludes romantic, sexual or deeply personal!
It is insulting to have anyone assume that I - ANDY LAM! - the Lord of Love - needs help with anything aside from gentling breaking the tender hearts that are proffered to me every day!
Sheldolina was the most recent one. Just after noon today, a scant two hours ago, there was a desperate rapping on my studies door. Deep in thought, I first attempted to ignore the persistent noise; but found that I could not. My initial assumption was that the rapper was one of my staff attempting to reach me with critical news. As I had left explicit instructions that I was not to be disturbed, I approached the resounding door with a mounting sense of wrath.
When I flung it open - prepared to set loose a terrible torrent of invective - I saw, instead or a cowering crony, a comely vixen. Shocked (but not surprised) I took a step back into the room. “Oh, Andy,” she began, “please forgive me! My name is Sheldolina and I’ve come to you - against the wished of my family and friends - to offer myself to you in every sense of the word. Please,” she begged, “make me your concubine!”
She was, at this point, on her knees - her hands clasped at her bosom - tears flowing freely down her pretty cheeks. “Ever since I heard your name and of your adventures,” she continued, “I promised myself that I would not stop until I’d been joined with you in sexual union. Please help me fulfill my dream!”
Unbeknownst to her, I had surreptitiously triggered the silent alarm I’d had installed for just this circumstance. “My darling girl,” I began, in my most soothing tone, “my dear and darling Sheldolina, were it only possible for me to honor your request! There would be no room in my heart for any greater joy!
“But alas, my heart is spoken for - and I, like you, pine in agony for the love and attention of the object of my desire. Her name,” I continued, “is Loretta, and her beauty is unparalleled in this world or the next. Unlike you and I - who are kept apart by walls of love I have built around my heart - Loretta and I are kept apart by walls of stone and bars of steel. My great love molders even now in prison for a crime I know she did not commit.”
As I thus held Sheldolina’s attention, my men had silently crept into the room. At my signal, they threw a net over her and bundled her out of the room. I could hear her heart-breaking cries as they carried her from my presence.
In time, the echoes of her lonely heart left mine and I again resumed my studies. I was certain that my heart had hardened to the point that these impassioned pleas had no effect; but I saw the page I was reading blotted with my own tears.
Clearly, I need no help in matters of the heart!
With a passion for fun, yet loyal to one, I am . . .
ANDY LAM!
Technorati Tags: sex, romance, creams, pills, lotions, Andy Lam, Sheldolina, Loretta, tears, alarms, nets, arms, hearts, love, passion