The Lamscape

I am so angry I could eat a bee! And you know how angry YOU would have to be to do that, don’t you? I will tell you. You would need to be very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very angry.

Most people know that I am one of the fairest and most tolerant people in the world, no solar system, no galaxy, no UNIVERSE! There, I’ve said it, I am fair and tolerant and don’t get angry easily. So what happened this time? It goes to Thanksgiving. I was going to back some APPLE PIES. I wanted them to be the best APPLE PIES in the world, no solar system, no galaxy, no UNIVERSE! There, I’ve said it, I wanted to make the best APPLE PIES.

I was not sure what kind of Apple I should use to make my pie so I went onto the INTERNET and used something called a GOOGLE to learn about APPLES. I put the word APPLE into the GOOGLE. I got lots of results but the first was for APPLE. I was not sure I understood because I thought APPLE was a fruit and these seemed to be computers or something. I asked my COMPUTER FRIENDS if APPLES were good and they told me they were the best. APPLE basically said the same thing themselves.

Like a fool I took them at their word.

USING the GOOGLE, I found a recipe for APPLE PIE. I said I needed eight APPLES. Because I needed to make 36 pies, I needed to do something called MULTIPLICATION to find out how many APPLES I would need. It took me a while to figure out the calculation, but here is the equation I finally used:

8×36=?

I needed to find a way to do this problem because it was way to hard for me to do in my head. I figured it out in the end by calling 36 of my “people” into my study and asking each of them to hold up eight fingers. By counting the number of fingers, I discovered that I would need 288 APPLES. I went back to APPLE and ordered 288 of their BEST APPLES - the MACINTOSH PRO. The cost of this order was $720,000 - which I gladly paid.

The next day a number of FedEx trucks arrived at the COMPOUND and disgorged the APPLES. I rushed them into the kitchen and went to work. It was not easy to get the APPLES into the pie shells, but with a mighty effort, several exotic tools and a lot of patience my staff was able to accomplish the task. When I pies came out of the oven they did not smell like the any APPLE PIES I had ever had before - and they were not.

The next day, I had the pies wheeled out following our dinner. I had ice cream by the barrel at the ready and everyone was waiting for their first slice. As the plates of pie were passed around, I could see that people were confused. Most politely tasted the pie but few seemed able to eat their entire servings. (Of course I did, I actually found the pie to be quite tasty.)

Looking at the amount of pie left on the plates at the end of the meal, I wondered if these really had been the best APPLE PIES in the UNIVERSE. To find out, I sent a team of researchers out to taste APPLE PIES from around the world and to provide a summary of their findings. This is what I learned:

• APPLE PIE is usually sweet
• APPLE PIE is usually soft
• APPLE PIE does NOT usually have sharp edges
• APPLE PIE does NOT usually contain any metal or other non-organic materials

Armed with these facts, I realize that I had not produced the BEST APPLE PIE in the UNIVERSE; and further, that APPLE does NOT make the BEST APPLES.

Still smarting from the sting of being mislead, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Apple, Apple Pie, Macintosh, Mac Pro

Now I’m not a doctor, but that won’t prevent me with dispensing some very good advice to each and every one of you.  What is the most important thing that people can have in their lives?  I’ll tell you, it is EXCITEMENT!  Without excitement, think how droll, dull and mundane our puny little lives would be.

For me, it isn’t such a big issue – I am ANDY LAM! – drama and excitement are my constant companions.  Not a day goes by that I don’t find myself in the middle of some exciting or amazing situation: watering the lawn, drying my hands, changing a light bulb, demolishing a dam, eating a cake, blowing my nose, riding a bicycle, piloting a spaceship, sharpening a pencil, saying the word “lavender”, spreading laughter and good cheer, defending the human race from ghosts or other monsters, watching cartoons, splashing around in the tub, tapping my silverware annoyingly at a fancy restaurant, “obtaining” fabulous works of art for wealthy and mysterious clients, brushing Ms. Pearly’s mane, inventing new knock-knock jokes (here’s one for you now, this is a brand new one that you should feel free to share with your friends, please give me credit though:

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Andy
Andy who?
ANDY LAM!

Wow, that’s a good one!), looking at the ground, trying not to laugh, accepting the Congressional Medal of Honor, lighting sparklers, remembering the alphabet, snoring, separating co-joined twins, clearing my throat, commenting on the weather, turning up the heat, apprehending the bad guys, ignoring sound advice, mimicking strangers, boiling water, kicking the game-winning field goal, licking my lips, waving, interrupting solemn proceedings with barely stifled giggling, officiating at coronations, rubbing my belly, blinking or watching the second hand sweep around the clock.

Now obviously, things like this AREN’T going to be happening to you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have an exciting and fulfilling life; and that is where I come into the equation with ANDY LAM’s prescription for excitement.  Let me just say that there is no one right way or wrong way to find excitement.  I learned that lesson myself the hard way many years ago.

See back in the day, I thought that the only true path to excitement was animal wrestling.  I must have wrestled just about every varmint you can think of.  I still remember my first fight.  It was against a pretty big moth – it had a wingspan of an inch, I am totally not lying.  Well, when the bell rang, the moth came fluttering right at my face!  I tried to slap it away but it swerved right out of my reach at the last second – TALK ABOUT EXCITING!  I ran across the room and rolled across the floor to try to avoid the moth’s next sortie.  It lightly grazed my right arm with its wing and I was hurt.  As I tried to apply pressure to the wound, the moth fluttered up toward the light to regain some strength.  I took advantage of the situation and lunged!  I managed to cup my hand over the moth where it stood on the wall.  Its flight or fight instinct kicked in and it became frenzied.  I hand my hands full – LITERALLY!  It took more than a few minutes of the two of us tumbling around the floor before I was finally able to pin it to the floor and win the bout.  (No moth ball jokes though please!)

The spectators really were thrilled by the contest and I decided that this, of course, was the true path to excitement.  I continued my career for many years, fighting increasingly large and complex organisms: ants, butterflies, chipmunks, dust mites, elephants (my first loss!), frogs, green algae, hippopotamuses, iguana, jackrabbits, koalas (which are MUCH fiercer than they look), lump fish, moths (which I described above), narwhals (that horn proved too much for me!), otters, plankton, queen bees, rhubarb (technically not an animal, but it still put up one hell of a fight), stegosauruses (which I resurrected using some DNA I found encased in amber – I lost that one by a country mile!), ticks, umbrella cockatoos, vampire bats, wolverines, xenops, yaks and zebras.

I have the say, I had a good run as an animal fighter, but after a few years, with my body pretty banged up and public interest waning, I decided to hang up my cape and cowl.  I worried that I’d never have any excitement in my life again – BOY, was I WRONG!!  This is where I came up with my PRESCRIPTION FOR EXCITEMENT.

Here’s what you need to do: Get a bag of potato chips, get a lawn chair, find some old golf balls, buy a tent, rent a Bobcat (the excavator, NOT the animal), get a tanker truck full of milk, drive to Austin and locate a high school with a football field (trust me, ALL of the schools down there have them.

In the middle of the night before a big game, drive the tanker into the middle of the field.  Use the Bobcat to dig a circular moat in mid-field.  Fill the moat with the milk.  Set up the tent.  Set up the lawn chair outside of the tent.  Go to sleep in the tent.  When you wake up, eat some chips for breakfast and lap up some of the milk from the moat.  Now take your position in the lawn chair and keep the golf balls hands.  Pretty soon, the excitement will begin.

First, you’ll probably just get some passers-by taking note that something odd is going on on the field, but before too long, you’ll have school officials, coaches and player, parents and boosters, the local media and law enforcement all over the place.  If anyone tries to cross that moat, you throw a golf ball right at them (make sure you have A LOT of golf balls!)  By game time, the excitement will be reaching its peak.  DON’T GIVE UP – DON’T SAY ANYTHING – JUST KEEP TOSSING THOSE GOLF BALLS!

Everyone will think that they have you when you run out of balls but they’ll be wrong.  This is when you call your friend with a helicopter.  Have them fly to the field and hover right over your “camp”.  Have them lower a rope or a ladder.  Climb the ladder.  When you are half way up, stop, look that the cheering crowd and thank them for their kind words and attention.  Finally, fly away.

If THAT doesn’t sound exciting, well I just don’t know what does!

Wearing a milk mustache again, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, excitement, watering, lawn, drying, hands, changing light bulbs, demolishing a dam, eating cake, bicycle, spaceship, sharpening a pencil, lavender, laughter, human race, ghosts, monsters, cartoons, splashing, tub, tapping, silverware, restaurant, art, brushing, knock-knock jokes, ground, laugh, Congressional Medal of Honor, sparklers, alphabet, snoring, separating, co-joined twins, throat, weather, heat, bad guys, sound, advice, mimicking, strangers, boiling, water, kicking,   field goal, lips, waving, interrupting, solemn, coronations, belly, blinking, watching, second hand, sweep, clock, ants, butterflies, chipmunks, dust mites, elephants, frogs, green algae, hippopotamuses, iguana, jackrabbits, koalas, lump fish, moths, narwhals, otters, plankton, queen bees, rhubarb, stegosauruses, ticks, umbrella cockatoos, vampire bats, wolverines, xenops, yaks, zebras, Milk, Austin, Texas, fighting, moat

Oh what a state I am in! I don’t want to say too much because I don’t want to surrender the fantastic air of mystery that must surround me at all times.  I will however, provide some OBVIOUS clues:

• It is in the United States of America
• It is not JOYFUL
• It is located between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans
• It makes my heart RACE
• It is south of Canada (that heathenistic land) and north of Mexico (that haven for all things flavorful)
• It is EMBARRASSING to discuss
• It is at, below, or above sea level
• It is probably SILLY and UNREASONABLE
• It has a legislative body
• It will, I expect, PASS
• It has more than one paved road
• It makes me TIRED

I think that with this information a clever person should be able to accurately determine what state I am in; if you can - BULLY FOR YOU; if you can’t, I am sorry.

Glad that I have found myself, I am . . .

ANDY LAM

[tags]Andy Lam, location, emotion[tags]

On the moon, there is something called the Sea of Storms.  You, my friends, are reading the latest offering from the Sea of Terrific that is ANDY LAM!

There is something special about the so called “DIY” movement.  Americans from all walks of life are discovering the joy and satisfaction of Doing It Themselves (I know, I know, that is DIT, but if you are think about yourself, you would say Do It Yourself, although if you think about it, it should actually be Do It Myself of DIM).

Whether it his home improvement or car repair or wedding planning or procreation or gardening or medical procedures or finances or aviation or pet grooming or decorating or body art or mail delivery or fashion design or any thing else, Americans are clamoring NOT to pay professionals for what they are good at, electing instead to do a shoddy job all by themselves.

Now I didn’t get to be where I am now by letting trends just pass me by and this one isn’t going to be an exception.  I have come up with a novel idea that is going to revolutionize the way Americans (and visitors to America if they are so inclined) experience the thrill of dining.

[PLEASE IMAGINE A DRUM ROLL HERE]

Introducing

[IMAGINE MORE DRUM ROLL – FEEL THE ANTICIPATION BUILDING]

New, from ANDY LAM!

[MORE DRUMMING!!!!]

The Super Genius who brought you so many important new inventions

[MORE DRUMMING, BUT IT IS EVEN FASTER, AND THERE ARE CRASHING CYMBALS NOW TOO, AND PEOPLE CHEERING AND SCREAMING]

ANDY LAM’S “Kill-N-Cook Cavalcade”

[NOW THERE ARE TRUMPETS BLARING AND ANGELS SINGING!!!!!]

Yes, you read it right, THE KILL-N-COOK CAVALCADE!!!

Here’s the scoop – families (and I expect that this will be big with families, as well as with dates) will come into the facility.  They will select which meat they would like for their meal – beef, chicken, pork, lamb, fish, emu, turkey, dog, veal, goat, etc.  Once everyone has decided, they will be taken to pens containing the animals of their choice.
All by themselves, patrons will be able to CLIMB INTO THE PENS to catch the animal that they want to eat!!!  Imagine being able to look into the docile faces of 10 or 15 cows and picking the one that looks the most delicious to you!!!!  Once they have their new “friend” in tow, they’ll move together to the “thrill zone.”

Now I know what you are thinking, and I agree, it does sound a bit insensitive to call the place where the animals will be slaughtered the “thrill zone”, but believe me, that is exactly what it is.  This is because the hunt is really quite something.  People are given the tools, but do they have the skills?  That is what makes this portion of the meal so exciting!  While we do our best to guarantee a positive dining experience, a patron or two were killed during the concept testing for the K-N-C.  Oh well.

Of course, how difficult this is depends on the animal in question, how many people are involved in the kill and the shape and stature of those involved.  For example, if a family of four decides that they want chicken, the “thrill zone” is only so-so.  But imagine that same family of four – dad wants the trout, mom thinks the lamb looks good and sis thinks the squab to her taste.  That leaves junior.

He wants beef.

Putting at 12 year old into a pen with a cow can lead to all sorts of mischief.  Hand the boy a spiked hammer and watch out!  Cows don’t like having their brains bashed in nearly as much as you’d expect and so unless that first blow is a clean one, the animals can get kind of ornery.  Mostly the diners are able to get over the fence quickly enough and everything is OK; but not always . . .

So assuming that the animal is dead, the processing begins.  We don’t expect that everyone knows how to butcher an animal, so we’ll be pointing them to the handy posters all over the processing room’s walls.  Not only that, there are knives, saws and tools of every description on hand and ready to use.  It truly is a bonding moment when a young couple is passing a bone-saw over a fresh killed hog.  I’ve found myself misting up on more than one occasion.

What’s nice about our approach to processing is that it assures customers with exactly the cut that they want.  You want a drumstick?  You got it!  Which of course brings us to the question of “leftovers”.  Say you want a quarter pound hamburger.  That’s fine, but cows weigh considerably more than that.  In fact, they weigh somewhere over 1,000 pounds.  So what happens to the other 9,999.25 pounds?  Simple, we let you take it home!

That’s right, you can bring the whole cadaver with you and cook it up when you get home.  It makes perfect sense.  That big ol cow can feed your family for weeks!  But I’m getting ahead of the process now.  After you get that burger, or drumstick or leg or lamb (NO RELATION!, HA HA HA), its time to head into the kitchen.

Now in the kitchen we have every sort of cooking tool know to mankind.  There are whisks, blenders, microwaves, toaster ovens, waffle irons, steamers, juicers, gelato machines, - heck, you name it, we may well have it.  And you know what they say, “the couple that flambés together says together”.  So romantic, don’t you think?

Once the meal is cooked, its time to dig in and eat.  We have a lovely family style dining room all set up and people are encouraged to get to know their fellow diners.  It can also be fun to sit all alone with a giant pile of meat in front of you and simply glare menacingly at strangers.  O! That is fun!

All good things must come to an end, and that leads us to what I like to call “Tidy time.”  You guessed it, this is that special time of a meal with tables need to be cleared, kitchens cleaned up and everything washed.  Again, making this a group effort really adds to the fun.  And now comes my favorite part of the meal – the BILL!

So you’re probably wondering, “wow, how much does this all cost?”  Well, I can tell you this kind of wholesome eating comes at a price.  All of the meats are sold by the pound (on the hoof); as soon as the “meal partner” is lead to the “thrill zone” its weight is calculated.  Given the DIY nature of the K-N-C, the price per pound is really reasonable:

Only 79 cents!!  That’s right, whatever meat you want is only 79 cents a pound.  Lets look at this, shall we?  That means if you choose a trout that weight three pounds, it will only cost you $2.37.  What a bargain!  Of course if you get the cow – or the walrus – the price gets pretty high pretty quick, but hey, remember – YOU CAN TAKE IT WITH YOU!!

From a business perspective, this idea is wicked sweet.  Here’s why – the overhead for this is REALLY, REALLy, REALly, REAlly, REally, Really, really low!  No waiters or waitresses or hosts or hostesses or sommeliers or dishwashers or cooks or busboys or bar backs or nothing.  This means all of the MONEY is for me, ANDY LAM!

It is because I know what the people of the world want that I am so super successful.  That makes me happy!

With a cow with YOUR name on it, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Meat, Dining, Meal, Restaurant, Fine Dining, Money

I am STRONG AND BRAVE. How STRONG AND BRAVE am I? Well read on, my friend, read on.

If you can answer “YES!” to more than three of the following statements, you are probably STRONG and BRAVE too (but just not as much as me).

Here is a list of some things that prove I am strong:

I can eat waffles
I can chew with my mouth open
I can open doors with one hand
I can see at night (with a flashlight)
I can pat a dog
I can open a soft drink can easily
I can fight a bull (and WIN!)
I can eat raspberries
I can taunt children
I can unroll toilet paper
I can grease a cookie sheet
I can shake pepper onto my food
I can gargle

Here is a list of some things that prove I am brave:

I can visit a park
I can get a hair cut
I can figure out how much to tip at a restaurant
I can make ice cubes
I can clean a lint screen
I can rinse my hands
I can buy scratch tickets
I can stack plates neatly
I can arrange flowers
I can ignore a telephone
I can ride on an airplane
I can pretend to be itchy
I can use a garden hose

If you took an OX, which is a pretty STRONG animal, and told the ox to gargle, I bet it would be too WEAK to do it. Likewise, if you took a LION, which is a pretty BRAVE animal, and told it to buy a scratch ticket, I bet it would be too SCARED to do it.

Given these facts, I think it is safe to say that I am STRONG and BRAVE.

STRONGER than an OX and BRAVER than a LION, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!!!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Strong, Brave, Lion, Ox

As promised, here is my sensitive side speaking out on my trip to the Titanic.

It took a lot of SOUL SEARCHING to find the right words and format to capture all of the COMPLEX and CONFUSING emotions that washed over me upon seeing the hulk of the most storied and tragic oceanliner of all time.

I tried SO MANY things before I hit upon one that worked. One that really summed up all of the feelings I have (and I’m sure most people have when confronted with the name TITANIC). I am putting this effort out for the world, please know, this comes from the heart.

TITANIC

There once was a ship called Titanic
Its route was transoceanic
The boat was so nice
Till it hit some ice
Then the decks and sea were in panic

Let me be honest. I cried when I wrote this - it means SO MUCH to me.

With a lump in my throat the size of an iceberg, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Titanic, Poem

It all started when I invented a new DEEP SEA DIVING SUIT (DSDS) or DS2. This thing is A MONSTER! With it, I am able to walk across the ocean floor, AS DEEP AS I LIKE! So, that was the plan. I finally got the funding for construction of DS2 about 60 days ago and finished it up last Thursday (Thanksgiving). It took LOTS of METAL, SOME CONCRETE, a few PIECES OF GLASS, SOME RUBBER, a FEW HOSES, SOME CHICKENWIRE and A FAN and now it is complete and has been tested.

(PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! Do NOT try to do this at HOME! The above list is NOT EXHAUSTIVE and these items could be assembled in ways THAT ARE NOT SAFE for UNDERSEA EXPLORATION!)

So, anyhow, I had the crane lower the suit over me, had the seam welded shut and was dropped into the ocean. I sank like a rock. On the top of my helmet was a sturdy ring which held a cable leading to the shore. This was my LIFELINE to the WORLD above.

I hit bottom and started to walk. Needless to say, the suite is cumbersome. Walking was NO PIECE OF CAKE, but I managed. After walking for, oh, about 4 hours, I came across a ship wreck. “NEAT,” I exclaimed, and I started to explore the sunken hulk. Foolishly, I demagnetized the cable mooring on my head so I could explore more freely. (NEVER do this. YOUR LIFELINE TO THE SURFACE IS CRITICAL!)

After poking around for a while, I learned I was ON THE TITANIC!!! If I could have, I would have kicked myself for not seeing that movie. I had no IDEA where to look for the Spanish Doubloons. I made my way into the treasure house and did find a fork and some napkin rings. That is when I realized that my suit had ONE MAJOR FLAW! NO POCKETS! This was really driven home when I came across an ashtray that I REALLY, REALLY wanted.

I tried to balance it on my shoulder but it kept falling off. If only I had thought to bring a bag! Even a camera would have been nice. I ran around the ship trying to REMEMBER EVERYTHING. After about six hours, I got hungry. BINGO!, another problem. No way to eat or drink in the suit.

I was especially reminded of the food issue when I saw a bunch of crabs and lobsters running around the ground. They didn’t run away from me (I don’t think these little fellows are used to seeing live people walking around!). I could have GRABBED one and eaten it all up! I also got hungry when I went into the Titanic’s dining room. Tres Elegante! I sat down for a few minutes and tried to imagine being waited on hand and foot by liveried footmen. Ah, the opulence of it all. [NOTE TO ANDY: GET UNIFORMS FOR SERVANTS!]

After a few hours of this blissful reverie, I decided it was time to return to Dryworld, (this is a new term I have coined, please feel free to add it to YOUR vocabulary). I reattached my helmet cable and hopped onto the back of a whale for a ride to the surface. Imagine my crew’s surprise when they saw a barnacle encrusted ANDY LAM shoot up into the air atop the whales spout. What a day!

I am starting to want to delve back into my sensitive side and poemize this trip so keep your eyes ready, cuz it will be coming soon!

With salt in my pants, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Titanic, Deep Sea Diving, Whale, Crab, Lobster, Ashtray

There are lots of places you can go that don’t take very much thought or planning - the supermarket, the hardware store, the library, the gas station, the movies, school, work, a bridge, an airport, a taxi stand, a hotel, a distant land, a pine tree, a window, a radio station, a park, etc.  As you will note, zoos are not on this list (and while it is not complete or exhaustive, you may take my word on this fact).  This is because going to the zoo - to me and my minions - is much more of an adventure than any of the other things I’ve listed.  I’d like now to share with you details of a trip to the zoo that I had yesterday.

My story starts several weeks ago, when my staff and I started developing our plans.

I’d seen a program on television (which allows one to easily see distant and unusual things) - on something called Animal Planet.  At first I was stunned that someone else had found their way to this planet so far from our own; but upon further investigation I learned that this is the name of a television station which carries programs about animals.  Many of the animals portrayed were familiar to me - lions, dogs, cats, voles, cheetahs, hyenas, ponies, eagles, squirrels, bats, wombats, kangaroos, gerbils, toucans, etc., etc., etc.

One, however, was wholly new and novel to me.  It is called the “elephant.”  I was stunned by this strange and exotic creature.  Its long proboscis, its slow and lumbering gait, its sad and soulful eyes all touched me deeply.  My attempts to research this animal were initially foiled due to the odd spelling of its name.  I had looked up “Leefant,” L-efant,” “Leephant” and more but found nothing.  Finally, after sharing my frustration with a few trusted advisers, I was given the key which would unlock a world of elephant information - the correct spelling of the word.

My first stop, as always, was the dictionary:

elephant |ˈeləfənt| noun ( pl. same or -phants ) 1 a heavy plant-eating mammal with a prehensile trunk, long curved ivory tusks, and large ears, native to Africa and southern Asia. It is the largest living land animal. • Family Elephantidae, order Proboscidea: two species. See African elephant , Indian elephant .

Fascinated, I commenced planning a trip to Africa to see these beasts in their native land.  As I began to calculate the costs and logistics of such a trip, my heart sank.  For me to go and bring along a sufficient number of staff and scientists would be $45,000,000 - a small expense for me but too high for the purposes of this trip.

Stymied, I again turned to my team of experts.  They explained that these animals were here in AMERICA housed in what they termed “zoos.”  I begged them to continue and they told me that zoos where large parks or gardens filled with wild animals.  I was amazed by this fact.  Weren’t these animals liable to escape and cause terrible carnage?  For days I scarcely slept and dared not venture out of doors lest I fall victim to some exotic animal foe.

It was during this time of fear that I resolved to visit on of these zoos in order to overcome my fears.  For the next few weeks I sequestered myself in the LAM LAB preparing for the trip.  I shan’t bore you with the details but suffice to say there was nothing that would stop or injury this fellow when he stepped into the danger zone.

Finally yesterday dawned.  I had been so excited that I had not slept a wink all night; as I watched the sky brighten I checked and rechecked my equipment.  The coach arrived at 4:55 and my team and I silently boarded.  As is my custom, I had forbidden all verbal communication until 6:17.  At 5:40 we arrived at the zoo and went immediately to work.

Alpha team silently scaled the formidable fences, disabled the alarm system and opened the gates. Bravo team and I sought out the elephant enclosure and identified a number of suitable vantage points from which I could observe these animals and carry out my operation.  By 6:15, we were all in place and awaited the next phase of the plan.  For many hours nothing happened.  The elephants could not be seen and the zoo was quiet.

At 9:00 things began to change.  A number of people began to enter the various animal enclosures with food and other supplies.  It was shortly after this that I caught my first sight of an elephant “in the flesh.”  Words fail me when I cast my mind back to that moment.  I sat in the tree and stared in dumb disbelief for almost an hour watching these gentle giants move around their large space.  By this time, the zoo had been opened to the general public and throngs of people were standing before the various cages and enclosures.

I could have stayed in my place all day, just watching, but I was brought back to reality and my mission by a hiss in my ear piece.  “Come in Dr. Doolittle, this is goose one, copy, over.”  I responded at once with “copy” and began preparing for the next phase in the operation.

Bracing my back against the trunk (ha ha - trunk) and my feet on a long sturdy limb, I raised the rifle.  My perch was perfect in that it provided an unobstructed view to the animals, as well as a fine place for resting the weapon.  I took careful aim, held my breath for what felt like hours and gently squeezed the trigger.

The rifles report was like a thunderclap as the expanding gasses forced the projectile down the gun’s barrel.  All of the animals within earshot gave terrible cries and the visitors fell to the ground in terror.  My shot was true and on target and the dart stuck the elephant right on its loose-skinned neck.  It took only moments for the drugs to do their work and the large beast slowly settled to the ground.  I hit the transmit key on my radio and called Goose team as Bravo team and I raced toward the now still animal.

Confusion reigned and those moments of confusion were crucial to my success! Goose team appeared as planned and hovered over the elephant.  Goose team members rappelled from the aircraft, spread a heavy canvas sling across the ground and - with the help of Bravo team and myself - rolled the elephant onto it for extraction.  While the others scampered up ropes and ladders into the aircrafts cargo area, I choose to remain with the elephant.

In under 90 seconds we were beyond the perimeter of the zoo and racing toward the compound.  We reached the site quickly and a team on hand-picked vets leapt into action to ensure the health and safety of my newest prize.  Alpha team, which had remained at the zoo, was tasked with letting everyone know that all was well and that it had been ANDY LAM who had absconded with the animal.

Upon hearing this, fear turned to joy, stress to relief and a fresh breeze of levity replaced the dust that had been kicked up by my helicopter’s rotors.  Everyone one wanted to know all about my plans for the terrific beast.  Of course I am a big one for operational security through compartmentalization and so Alpha team had no knowledge of my plans.  They retrieved my weapon and other gear from the tree and left the the deafening cheers of the zoo staff and patrons alike.

At the compound, the elephant was slow to awaken.  When it did though, it found itself in a new and wonderful home.  I’d decided on the Court of the Sun King (Louis XIV of France) as the theme for the animal’s suite and had had elephant-scale rooms and furniture constructed for the creature’s comfort.  Its first few hours were somewhat destructive (through no fault of its own) but things have since settled down.

As I write this morning, I can hear Sunny (which I have elected to name him, in honor of Louis XIV) happily playing in his rooms.  I shall now conclude this entry and will proceed to the elephant’s chambers for a visit and conversation.

Excited to have a wonderful new friend, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, elephant, zoo, Animal Planet, Louis XIV

Man oh man oh man am I in trouble.  This morning I woke up late.  Why did I wake up late?  Because I didn’t hear my alarm clock.  Why didn’t I hear my alarm clock?  Because my ears are not working.  Why are my ears not working?  Because I CAN’T FIND THEM!!!

I have looked everywhere on my head but can’t seem to find them anywhere.  I’m sure that I’ve had ears in the past but am waiting until I see some photographs of myself with ears before I’m willing to say for certain.  I do know that I used to be able to hear sounds and that ears are the way that sounds get into your head.  (I know all about sound due to the work I have done in the past around recovering lost sounds for the government, local law enforcement and wealthy individuals.)

For the time being I have asked that no one speak in my presence; that way I won’t feel uncomfortable and nor will anyone realized that I am having any trouble hearing.  I don’t know how long I can maintain this charade but I’ll take my chances.

Not having to spend money on earrings, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, hearing, ears

Can I let you in on a secret? There is the stuff called candy (spelled C-A-N-D-Y) and it is really good. I got my mitts on some the other day (through a friend of a friend, it’s a long story as you can imagine). Finally today, after several sleepless nights, I decided to try this “candy” I’d heard so much about; but the stigma . . .

I put the candy in a bag, put that bag in a larger bag, put that bag into a larger bag, etc., etc., etc., until I put the now giant bag into the back of a dump truck I purchased for just this occasion. I called two of my men - one to drive and the other to ride shotgun - to join me as look outs.

Once we reached the abandoned quarry behind Grey Goat Farm, I told the two of them to take positions about a quarter of a mile away from the truck - one in front and one in back. Both were instructed to radio me if there were any signs of trouble on the road, in the woods or in the air.

After waiting for 20 minutes to make sure we hadn’t been followed, I began opening the various bags. This took some time. An hour later I had reached the original bag. Looking around furtively, I finally poured the candy into the palm of my now sweaty hand. I counted them anxiously with a trembling index finger. Fourteen. They were all there.

Fourteen candy corns, something that I’d never dreamt would ever be sitting in my hand like this. After another scan, I placed one in my mouth. It was sweeter than I’d expected and at first I began to cough on the strong flavor. A few corns later, I was handling them like an old pro, biting them down - first white, then yellow and finally orange. It was bliss.

I went to grab another and saw that I was out. Oh God! This was torment. I’d finally had my first sweet exposure to candy and now I was out. I tore through all of the now empty bags scattered around the truck, praying that one candy corn might have escaped my first binge but I knew there wouldn’t be. Crushed, I climbed back into the cab and radioed my men.

First they cleaned up the mess I’d made with the bags, and then they drove me back to the compound. They had no idea what the purpose of their mission had been, and I’d like to keep it that way. Not that I’d hurt anyone over this but it would probably be best if you kept quite - if you catch my drift.

With a Gummi Bear on my back, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, candy