Man o man o man o man. You know, they say that good things come to those who wait. In general, I think that this is pure poppycock. When you see something you want - like an apple or a cookie - it’s best to just reach out and grab it; at least that’s what I always do!
Sometimes though that old adage proves true - and guess what - it just proved true for me last week! Here’s what happened:
I’m certain that most of you recall with glad hearts my suggested commercial for Quaker Oats. It was just a CRAZY idea I tossed out to the four winds to see where it would blow. Now I’m not stupid and nor am I a fool (despite what EVERYONE says about me - ha ha ha) so I wasn’t expecting to hear from anyone (even though it was a really awesome idea). Well hear I did, and not from just anyone, but from THRIFTY ROCKBOTTOM.
Now don’t tell me you don’t know Thrifty Rockbottom. Around here (here being my zip code; no, my area code; no, my city; no, my state; no, my region; no, my time zone; no, my country; no, my continent; no, my hemisphere; no, my planet; no, my solar system; no, my galaxy; no THE UNIVERSE!) Thrifty is THE MAN when it comes to GREAT DEALS and ROCKBOTTOM PRICES.
So THRIFTY called me and said, “Andy, I need some help. I have a bunch of pants to sell - at ROCKBOTTOM PRICES - and I need some S(t)ELLER ideas. I LOVED you oats idea and want to know if you’ve got anything up your PANTLEG that might work for me.”
First of all, I should confess that I was amazed that TR was really talking to me. One reason is that he’s just so BIG that I couldn’t believe he wanted to talk to little old me. The other reason is that he somehow managed to get my personal phone number. While TR is a big deal, I am a GARGANTUAN one and I protect my privacy like a mother whale protects her calf. While speaking with him I jotted a quick not to one of my henchmen and bid him be quick.
Only moments later I heard a scuffle on the other end of the phone and in a few minutes more Thrifty was on the floor before me - hands and ankles tightly bound and duct tape covering his eyes and mouth. I carefully removed the duct tape from his mouth (after warning him not to yell!) and started to discuss the details of his project.
“How many pairs of pants have you got?,” I asked. Thrifty was having some trouble, so I repeated my question - with a gentle nudge of my foot for emphasis. “How many pairs of pants have you got?,” I asked again. Thrifty sounded scared as he started to answer, “What do you mean, what are you talking about?” I nudged him again. “Do you have any idea who you’re talking to, or where you are?,” I asked. It turned out that he did not, so I let him know he was talking with AND LAM and that he was in my inner sanctum.
When he heard this, his demeanor totally changed. He struggled to face the sound of my voice and a big smile brightened his face. “Are you serious?,” he asked, “I can’t tell you how WONDERFUL I think you are! I can’t wait to tell people that I’ve actually met you.” At a silent signal from me, one of my henchmen brought a cricket bad down hard across his thighs. I don’t know if it was the pain or the surprise but Thrifty jerked and rolled away from the blow.
“I’d prefer it if we kept this meeting just between us girls,” I said with a laugh (you see, this was funny because Thrifty and I are NOT girls!). He whimpered out his assent. “Good,” I continued, “now, tell me, how many pairs of pants to you have?” He seemed to be doing some sort of MATH as he mumbled out a series of numbers under his breath. “Probably 400 pairs,” he finally answered. “And what colors and sizes?” I asked. “Mostly 34 in waist and 32 inseams - and they’re gray, navy blue, you know, just regular colors,” he said.
At my signal, another blow struck him, this one across the shoulder. “No,” I said, “I don’t know. You’ll have the do better than that when your working with me.” He lay on the floor, sweating and sobbing. Over the course of several hours of this kind of casual give and take, I managed to collect the details I would need. I had my men bring him to a rest stop not far from his home and set to work. Here’s what I came up with:
- Are you feeling bad because pants cost you too much?
- Do you wish you could get nice pants for less money?
- If the answer is yes, today is your lucky day!
- Thrifty Rockbottom has a lot of pants - 400 pairs - for sale.
- They are going to fit you if you are a regular sized guy with a 34 inch waist and a 32 inch inseam.
- You are going to like them if you like the colors gray, navy blue and black.
- Buying a pair (or more) will make you a better person.
When I had this copy read to him from the stall next to the one he was being held in he really seemed to like it. I make it clear that for the ad to be most effective it should be read by a parrot - a suggestion Thrifty readily agreed with. The deal agreed upon (I would make three cents per pair or pants sold - for a maximum of $12) we met at an abandoned Dairy Queen near Lansing Michigan to sign the paperwork.
Thrifty was wary of me at first, but my enthusiasm soon won him over and we were swapping stories like two long lost pals. The details out of the way, I dispatched teams to all of the pet stores in North America to find the most golden-throated parrot in the land so I can start training it to read the commercial. I can’t wait.
With $12 sure to be heading my way soon, I am . . .
ANDY LAM!
Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, pants, Thrifty, Rockbottom, Parrot, Cricket, Dairy Queen, Advertising