The Lamscape

I am so angry I could eat a bee! And you know how angry YOU would have to be to do that, don’t you? I will tell you. You would need to be very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very angry.

Most people know that I am one of the fairest and most tolerant people in the world, no solar system, no galaxy, no UNIVERSE! There, I’ve said it, I am fair and tolerant and don’t get angry easily. So what happened this time? It goes to Thanksgiving. I was going to back some APPLE PIES. I wanted them to be the best APPLE PIES in the world, no solar system, no galaxy, no UNIVERSE! There, I’ve said it, I wanted to make the best APPLE PIES.

I was not sure what kind of Apple I should use to make my pie so I went onto the INTERNET and used something called a GOOGLE to learn about APPLES. I put the word APPLE into the GOOGLE. I got lots of results but the first was for APPLE. I was not sure I understood because I thought APPLE was a fruit and these seemed to be computers or something. I asked my COMPUTER FRIENDS if APPLES were good and they told me they were the best. APPLE basically said the same thing themselves.

Like a fool I took them at their word.

USING the GOOGLE, I found a recipe for APPLE PIE. I said I needed eight APPLES. Because I needed to make 36 pies, I needed to do something called MULTIPLICATION to find out how many APPLES I would need. It took me a while to figure out the calculation, but here is the equation I finally used:

8×36=?

I needed to find a way to do this problem because it was way to hard for me to do in my head. I figured it out in the end by calling 36 of my “people” into my study and asking each of them to hold up eight fingers. By counting the number of fingers, I discovered that I would need 288 APPLES. I went back to APPLE and ordered 288 of their BEST APPLES - the MACINTOSH PRO. The cost of this order was $720,000 - which I gladly paid.

The next day a number of FedEx trucks arrived at the COMPOUND and disgorged the APPLES. I rushed them into the kitchen and went to work. It was not easy to get the APPLES into the pie shells, but with a mighty effort, several exotic tools and a lot of patience my staff was able to accomplish the task. When I pies came out of the oven they did not smell like the any APPLE PIES I had ever had before - and they were not.

The next day, I had the pies wheeled out following our dinner. I had ice cream by the barrel at the ready and everyone was waiting for their first slice. As the plates of pie were passed around, I could see that people were confused. Most politely tasted the pie but few seemed able to eat their entire servings. (Of course I did, I actually found the pie to be quite tasty.)

Looking at the amount of pie left on the plates at the end of the meal, I wondered if these really had been the best APPLE PIES in the UNIVERSE. To find out, I sent a team of researchers out to taste APPLE PIES from around the world and to provide a summary of their findings. This is what I learned:

• APPLE PIE is usually sweet
• APPLE PIE is usually soft
• APPLE PIE does NOT usually have sharp edges
• APPLE PIE does NOT usually contain any metal or other non-organic materials

Armed with these facts, I realize that I had not produced the BEST APPLE PIE in the UNIVERSE; and further, that APPLE does NOT make the BEST APPLES.

Still smarting from the sting of being mislead, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Apple, Apple Pie, Macintosh, Mac Pro

Right now, right this very moment, one of the many thoughts occurring in my oh so spacious head is about water.  I am thinking about drinking some water.  There is some water to drink very close to my right arm.  It would not take too much effort for me to pause in my typing and to reach for that water and to raise the bottle to my lips and to part said lips and to welcome the cool water into my mouth and to swallow the water carefully (so I don’t choke on it) and to feel the water traveling down my throat and into my stomach where it will remain for a brief time before it travels through the rest of my digestive system until it reaches my bladed and is voided (I’m not really clear what happens between my stomach and bladder but I’ll be it is super interesting).

I am also able to look at water.  If I cast my gaze slightly to the right, and a little bit down, I can see the bottle of water I just mentioned in the paragraph proceeding this one.  What is interesting about looking at water is that there really isn’t that much to see.  This water is clear and it is in a clear bottle.  In fact, I can’t really be sure that I am seeing it at all.  It is possible that all I am seeing (or think I am seeing) is a mirage.  I also notice that it is not very easy to taste water.  Water is also not very smelly or noisy.  (It can be both but I try to stay away from smelly water especially.)  The  most important sense when it comes to water is the sense of touch.  Water is, more than anything else, something you can feel.

My thoughts about water - aside from what I have written about in the two proceeding paragraphs - are focused on water skiing.  I have never water skied successfully but have seen it done on many occasions.  In these past few minutes, I have imagined myself water skiing.  In my imagination, I am wearing a pair of yellow and red flower print swim trunks and an orange life vest.  I am watching myself from the perspective of someone sitting on the boat that is pulling me.  I see myself waving one arm excitedly over my head as I cross the boats wake again and again.

Now I am thinking of another use for water.  This is as something to give animals when they are thirsty.  I have tried giving animals a variety of liquids in the past (as part of government funded experiments): Castor oil, cod liver oil, soda, beer, scotch, bourbon, wine, sake, milk, orange juice, lemonade, coffee, tea, hot chocolate, melted ice cream, soup, broth, maple syrup, blood, paint, tears, perspiration, urine, rain, honey, ink, cough medicine, yogurt, sap, bird vomit, egg whites, pancake batter, Gatorade, vodka, coconut milk, vanilla extract, food coloring, shampoo, mouthwash, kaluah, etc.  I have never knowingly given an animal anything to drink that was bad for them but I can tell you that some of the thing’s I’ve just listed were NOT GOOD.

Getting an animal drunk may seem like a good idea but it is not.  A dog that has had a few too many may suddenly cease to be mans best friend and turn, instead, into a real beast.  I recall one afternoon, a Sunday in May I believe - a  Mother’s Day if I am not mistaken (and trust me, I am not) - that I found this out first hand.

I, joined by 40 colleagues, disended on the dining room of one of the city’s FANCIEST restaurants.  For this experiment, each of us was wearing dark glasses and carrying the red and white canes often associated with the visually challenged.  We each, also, of course, had a guide dog to help us find our way about town.  While the restaurant staff was dubious, they nevertheless were willing to seat us.  (Half our number had donned wigs so as to pose as mothers - it was a very convincing ruse.)  No sooner had we been seated then we started ordering drinks.

As quickly as the drinks were delivered we requested more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more.  And as we received them we, by various clever slights of hand, distracted our waiters and waitresses while we poured the liquor discreetly into dog bowls for our dogs to lap up.  This went on for some time until the animals began showing clear signs of intoxication.  In some this took the form of sleep, in others agitation and in yet others uncontrollable barking.   I was carefully taking notes on what was occurring (the fact that I was writing raised some eyebrows).

Our plan had been to intoxicate the dogs and then to set them free in the dining room to see what would happen next.  And so, for the sake of science, this is what we did.  Each of use reached to our dogs collars and removed their leashes.  We then began puffing on dog whistles.  The did not seem to work because they did not produce any sound. So we moved to plan B.  This involved us throwing tennis balls for the dogs to catch.  This proved to be far more effective.

What had been a decreasingly placid Mother’s Day brunch was quickly transformed into a dashing, running, barking, crashing, slobbering, leaping, scampering, vomiting, urinating, defecating scene of chaos.  Tables were upended as people tried to avoid the dogs (or as dogs leapt onto the them to retrieve their balls).  Once the dogs were free they also began eating with abandon - not caring whose plate they raided (or even the buffet for that matter).

Angry eyes (and I do mean ANGRY) flashed from every direction at me, my colleagues and our dogs.  But just when things seemed as though they would get out of control, I pulled my megaphone from my bad.  “Attention,” I shouted, “I am ANDY LAM! and I am conducting a very important experiment!”

With these words, a hush fell over the room (even the dogs heeded their master’s voice).  People took their seats and slowly, one by one, started to applaud.  In minutes the very air shook with the warmth of their cheers and clapping.  I stood to acknowledge them and then, with a clap of my own hands, summoned my team and our dogs.  Like a well-drilled army, all fell into line behind me and we marched out to the ovation of the restaurant staff and patrons.  It was a wonderful day.

Although I misplaced the original notes from that experiment, I do recall a few of my findings:

• Dogs, like people, become inebriated when they have ingested large quantities of alcohol’s.
• Like people, dogs are not able to moderate or control their behavior when they have been drinking
• Dogs are more likely than people to behave poorly when drunk
• Dogs observe no standards for public behavior, comportment or decency when they have been drinking
• All of the above facts are forgotten if you are ANDY LAM!

I also recall that I let my funding agency know that alcohol was an inappropriate beverage for dogs - but that I could not be sure whether the same held true for other animals until I had conducted further experiments.  (Sadly, further funding was not made available and so similar tests on other animals have not yet happened.)

Now very ready for that water, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, dogs, Castor oil, cod liver oil, soda, beer, scotch, bourbon, wine, sake, milk, orange juice, lemonade, coffee, tea, hot chocolate, melted ice cream, soup, broth, maple syrup, blood, paint, tears, perspiration, urine, rain, honey, ink, cough medicine, yogurt, sap, bird vomit, egg whites, pancake batter, Gatorade, vodka, coconut milk, vanilla extract, food coloring, shampoo, mouthwash, kaluah, Mother’s Day, experiment, drinking, water, restaurant

On the moon, there is something called the Sea of Storms.  You, my friends, are reading the latest offering from the Sea of Terrific that is ANDY LAM!

There is something special about the so called “DIY” movement.  Americans from all walks of life are discovering the joy and satisfaction of Doing It Themselves (I know, I know, that is DIT, but if you are think about yourself, you would say Do It Yourself, although if you think about it, it should actually be Do It Myself of DIM).

Whether it his home improvement or car repair or wedding planning or procreation or gardening or medical procedures or finances or aviation or pet grooming or decorating or body art or mail delivery or fashion design or any thing else, Americans are clamoring NOT to pay professionals for what they are good at, electing instead to do a shoddy job all by themselves.

Now I didn’t get to be where I am now by letting trends just pass me by and this one isn’t going to be an exception.  I have come up with a novel idea that is going to revolutionize the way Americans (and visitors to America if they are so inclined) experience the thrill of dining.

[PLEASE IMAGINE A DRUM ROLL HERE]

Introducing

[IMAGINE MORE DRUM ROLL – FEEL THE ANTICIPATION BUILDING]

New, from ANDY LAM!

[MORE DRUMMING!!!!]

The Super Genius who brought you so many important new inventions

[MORE DRUMMING, BUT IT IS EVEN FASTER, AND THERE ARE CRASHING CYMBALS NOW TOO, AND PEOPLE CHEERING AND SCREAMING]

ANDY LAM’S “Kill-N-Cook Cavalcade”

[NOW THERE ARE TRUMPETS BLARING AND ANGELS SINGING!!!!!]

Yes, you read it right, THE KILL-N-COOK CAVALCADE!!!

Here’s the scoop – families (and I expect that this will be big with families, as well as with dates) will come into the facility.  They will select which meat they would like for their meal – beef, chicken, pork, lamb, fish, emu, turkey, dog, veal, goat, etc.  Once everyone has decided, they will be taken to pens containing the animals of their choice.
All by themselves, patrons will be able to CLIMB INTO THE PENS to catch the animal that they want to eat!!!  Imagine being able to look into the docile faces of 10 or 15 cows and picking the one that looks the most delicious to you!!!!  Once they have their new “friend” in tow, they’ll move together to the “thrill zone.”

Now I know what you are thinking, and I agree, it does sound a bit insensitive to call the place where the animals will be slaughtered the “thrill zone”, but believe me, that is exactly what it is.  This is because the hunt is really quite something.  People are given the tools, but do they have the skills?  That is what makes this portion of the meal so exciting!  While we do our best to guarantee a positive dining experience, a patron or two were killed during the concept testing for the K-N-C.  Oh well.

Of course, how difficult this is depends on the animal in question, how many people are involved in the kill and the shape and stature of those involved.  For example, if a family of four decides that they want chicken, the “thrill zone” is only so-so.  But imagine that same family of four – dad wants the trout, mom thinks the lamb looks good and sis thinks the squab to her taste.  That leaves junior.

He wants beef.

Putting at 12 year old into a pen with a cow can lead to all sorts of mischief.  Hand the boy a spiked hammer and watch out!  Cows don’t like having their brains bashed in nearly as much as you’d expect and so unless that first blow is a clean one, the animals can get kind of ornery.  Mostly the diners are able to get over the fence quickly enough and everything is OK; but not always . . .

So assuming that the animal is dead, the processing begins.  We don’t expect that everyone knows how to butcher an animal, so we’ll be pointing them to the handy posters all over the processing room’s walls.  Not only that, there are knives, saws and tools of every description on hand and ready to use.  It truly is a bonding moment when a young couple is passing a bone-saw over a fresh killed hog.  I’ve found myself misting up on more than one occasion.

What’s nice about our approach to processing is that it assures customers with exactly the cut that they want.  You want a drumstick?  You got it!  Which of course brings us to the question of “leftovers”.  Say you want a quarter pound hamburger.  That’s fine, but cows weigh considerably more than that.  In fact, they weigh somewhere over 1,000 pounds.  So what happens to the other 9,999.25 pounds?  Simple, we let you take it home!

That’s right, you can bring the whole cadaver with you and cook it up when you get home.  It makes perfect sense.  That big ol cow can feed your family for weeks!  But I’m getting ahead of the process now.  After you get that burger, or drumstick or leg or lamb (NO RELATION!, HA HA HA), its time to head into the kitchen.

Now in the kitchen we have every sort of cooking tool know to mankind.  There are whisks, blenders, microwaves, toaster ovens, waffle irons, steamers, juicers, gelato machines, - heck, you name it, we may well have it.  And you know what they say, “the couple that flambés together says together”.  So romantic, don’t you think?

Once the meal is cooked, its time to dig in and eat.  We have a lovely family style dining room all set up and people are encouraged to get to know their fellow diners.  It can also be fun to sit all alone with a giant pile of meat in front of you and simply glare menacingly at strangers.  O! That is fun!

All good things must come to an end, and that leads us to what I like to call “Tidy time.”  You guessed it, this is that special time of a meal with tables need to be cleared, kitchens cleaned up and everything washed.  Again, making this a group effort really adds to the fun.  And now comes my favorite part of the meal – the BILL!

So you’re probably wondering, “wow, how much does this all cost?”  Well, I can tell you this kind of wholesome eating comes at a price.  All of the meats are sold by the pound (on the hoof); as soon as the “meal partner” is lead to the “thrill zone” its weight is calculated.  Given the DIY nature of the K-N-C, the price per pound is really reasonable:

Only 79 cents!!  That’s right, whatever meat you want is only 79 cents a pound.  Lets look at this, shall we?  That means if you choose a trout that weight three pounds, it will only cost you $2.37.  What a bargain!  Of course if you get the cow – or the walrus – the price gets pretty high pretty quick, but hey, remember – YOU CAN TAKE IT WITH YOU!!

From a business perspective, this idea is wicked sweet.  Here’s why – the overhead for this is REALLY, REALLy, REALly, REAlly, REally, Really, really low!  No waiters or waitresses or hosts or hostesses or sommeliers or dishwashers or cooks or busboys or bar backs or nothing.  This means all of the MONEY is for me, ANDY LAM!

It is because I know what the people of the world want that I am so super successful.  That makes me happy!

With a cow with YOUR name on it, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Meat, Dining, Meal, Restaurant, Fine Dining, Money