The Lamscape

Like most ridiculously famous people, I have my fair share of fans, admirers and hangers-on. And, for whatever reason, around this time of year many of these folks feel compelled to demonstrate their love and affection for me by proffering various gifts. While I ALWAYS love the be the center of adulations, I do not always like being the recipient of poorly-selected or low-quality gifts. Here is just a small sampling of some of the dross I had to wade through this week en route to more wonderful fare:

• A flock of sheep (see, my name is Lam so people think I like LAMbs; and I DO - with MINT SAUCE! Off to the slaughter house with the lot of them!)
• All of the water in the world - now this may strike some of you (the dumber ones) as impossible; but one fan, a Rex Ovum Mundi (who can be a real crank sometimes) sent me an email that said I was now the owner of all the water in the world. Now some of you might be wondering why I put this on the list of clunkers: I don’t want to deal with it. A few years ago I bought all of the air on the planet (and made a pretty penny selling breathing licenses too I might add); but then found that governments, regulators, and various tree-hugging dogoodniks expected me to clean it up or something. HA!
• A pack or Rolos (for obvious reasons)
• Several stars and craters - what always seems funny to me about this gift is that I’m too modest to ever claim the ones I’ve discovered and explored - let alone the ones that people give to me!
• A bad joke - Q - What did one tree say to the other? A - Boy, I never knew that we could talk!
• Two punches in the stomach - I got a gift card for this that said I needed to go to a certain intersection in a certain city and a certain time to redeem my gift. When I got there, there was a very strong looking stranger who asked if I was ANDY LAM! As soon as I said, “yes,” he hit me twice and ran away. My belly still hurts.

Now, if you will imagine that all of these bad gifts were one side of a coin, on the flip side you will, of course, find good ones. (This is a metaphor. Coins do not have gifts on them - unless the coin itself is a gift. One could also imagine that someone could give a gift of a metallic portrait of a PRESIDENT as a gift, in which case the gift would be ON THE COIN. What I am trying to say is that if you think the gifts I’ve just listed are bad you need to understand that I got some good ones as well).

• A giant laser - Because I love to explore, I often find myself in conflict (or at least disagreements) with highly advanced alien civilizations. This laser will help even the playing field.
• A collection of strange scents - made up of dozens of carefully labeled, double lidded glass jars (one lid with holes poked in it so the smells can escape and the other to keep them from escaping when not in use) that have some of the most wonderful smells from ancient times to modern. Imagine my wonder as I smelled the hold of Noah’s Ark (very smelly), King Tut’s last meal (it smelled like lemonade), smoke from Pompeii, or the first ever McDonald’s hamburger. Let me tell you it was a moving experience. I am going to be working on ways to share this with the children of AMERICA who might be missing out of the thrilling smells of yesteryear.
• An ice cube named Bobby. I don’t know why, but this is one of my favorite gifts. I’ve had a special carrying case made so that Bobby and I can travel and do fun things together. So far we’ve been to the moon, to the circus, to the ice capades (he really liked that one), the grocery story (we spent a lot of time in frozen foods) and the zoo. I can’t wait to hear what he wants to do next!
• A really good joke: Q - what did one rock say to the other? A - I didn’t know we could talk!
• A kick in the pants - At first I was worried this was going to be like the punches; but when I got to the place and said I was ANDY LAM!, a really big guy kicked me really hard right in the seat of my pants. I went flying! It was fun.

As I said, this is only a TINY sample of the THOUSANDS of GIFTS I received. I ask if you plan to reward my wonderfulness with a gift (which is understandable); that you look at this list as a guide for what I will like.

With plenty already but always looking for more, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

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