The Lamscape

Friends - I must be brief but I have some tremendous and disturbing news: there is something strange in the sky today!  Quick - look out of your window to see if it is happening where you are!  Look up.  Are there what appears to be large clumps of wool or cotton floating near where you are?  Here where I am the sky is full of these floaty things.  People are terrified and are running for cover.  These objects - which have no obvious means of propulsion - have blocked the sun and are casting great dark shadows on the ground.

These “shadow rays” as I call them proceeded to chase people on the ground.  Here all is chaos.  Thankfully no one appears to have been killed or injured by these fluffy white attackers (or their shadow minions) but I fear it is only a matter of time.  Rest assured that I am working closely with FEDERAL authorities to understand and thwart this attack.

I need to break off now to continue my study or this new enemy and to plan our strategy.

With your best interest always at the front of my mind, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, sky, white, fluffy, cotton, wool, attack, shadow

There aren’t many people that have secrets anymore. I have found out that on the internet all secrets are automatically shared with everyone else so that everyone is the same and equal and knows everything about everyone else.  At first this made me scared because there are things that I have done in my life that haven’t been very good.  But then I found out this was true for everyone and I felt much better.

OK.  So now that you know everything about everyone, I have something to say: I have a secret.  That’s right, I know something that no one else knows.  As soon as I gained possession of this fact I ran and hid so that no one would be able to take it from me.  I also started practicing going onto the Internet without telling everyone everything so that my secret would be safe.

On the first day of my secret, I only went on to the Internet for like seven hours.  The next day I went on for nine hours.  The next day I went on for 12 hours.  The next day I went on for 17 hours.  Finally I was able to go on for my usual 24 hours without saying anything about my secret.

Today is the first day I have allowed myself to use the Internet while I have been awake and it has been very hard for me to be on here and not talking about my secret.  I guess that part of me would like everyone to know the news because it is just so wonderful and exciting; but since it is the world’s LAST secret I am going to hold on to it for a while.

It’s really hard though.

Really really hard.

I really want to go to the store and maybe whisper it to a clerk.  Or go to a McDonald’s and tell it to the drive-up menu.  That wouldn’t be like telling a person so it might be alright.  I was also thinking about writing it on a piece of paper, flashing it in front of Mr. Oz (on of my henchmen), blinding him and then burning the paper.  My only worry is that he might remember what it said and say it to someone else.

I might be willing to give people clues about my secret.  In fact, that is what I am going to do.  Here is the first clue - it has nothing to do with popcorn.  It also has nothing to do with the ocean.  It also has nothing to do with breakfast.  It also has nothing to do with rotating your tires.  It also has nothing to do with plastic bottle caps.  It also has nothing to do with the number eight.  It also has nothing to do with haircuts.  It also has nothing to do with the clouds.  It also has nothing to do with ears.  It also has nothing to do with the color purple.  It also has nothing to do with the phrase ‘it also has nothing to do with.’

As you can probably guess from all of these clues, this is a very deep and exciting thing that I know.  Tomorrow I am going to carve it on the bark of a tree.  Then I am going to cut the tree down and make it into a house.  That is going to be my secret house.  It is going to be in the woods.  I am going to get some bats and other scary things to be near the house to scare intruders away.  That way I will be near my secret but my secret will be safe.

With news so shocking it will amaze you, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Secret, Amazing, Offer, Secret, Amazing, Mice, Reflection, Internet, tree, Oz, eyes, burn, house, bats, scare

First of all, let me say for the record, that I am a ravishingly hot man.  Women of every race, class, income level, ethnic group, educational attainment and sexual persuasion constantly badger me to have amorous liaisons.  While I won’t deny that their attentions are flattering, I never do anything to pursue these opportunities as my heart belongs to one alone.

Despite this raw passion that I clearly posses in great abundance, I am constantly being hectored by purveyors over every flim-flam aide de romance that has ever been invented!  I need no pills or lotions or creams or devices to enhance my potency!  I am not looking for any scents or chemicals to lure ladies to my lair of love!  I eschew all solicitations for interludes romantic, sexual or deeply personal!

It is insulting to have anyone assume that I - ANDY LAM! - the Lord of Love - needs help with anything aside from gentling breaking the tender hearts that are proffered to me every day!

Sheldolina was the most recent one.  Just after noon today, a scant two hours ago, there was a desperate rapping on my studies door.  Deep in thought, I first attempted to ignore the persistent noise; but found that I could not.  My initial assumption was that the rapper was one of my staff attempting to reach me with critical news.  As I had left explicit instructions that I was not to be disturbed, I approached the resounding door with a mounting sense of wrath.

When I flung it open - prepared to set loose a terrible torrent of invective - I saw, instead or a cowering crony, a comely vixen.  Shocked (but not surprised) I took a step back into the room.  “Oh, Andy,” she began, “please forgive me!  My name is Sheldolina and I’ve come to you - against the wished of my family and friends - to offer myself to you in every sense of the word.  Please,” she begged, “make me your concubine!”

She was, at this point, on her knees - her hands clasped at her bosom - tears flowing freely down her pretty cheeks.  “Ever since I heard your name and of your adventures,” she continued, “I promised myself that I would not stop until I’d been joined with you in sexual union.  Please help me fulfill my dream!”

Unbeknownst to her,  I had surreptitiously triggered the silent alarm I’d had installed for just this circumstance.  “My darling girl,” I began, in my most soothing tone, “my dear and darling Sheldolina, were it only possible for me to honor your request!  There would be no room in my heart for any greater joy!

“But alas, my heart is spoken for - and I, like you, pine in agony for the love and attention of the object of my desire.  Her name,” I continued, “is Loretta, and her beauty is unparalleled in this world or the next.  Unlike you and I - who are kept apart by walls of love I have built around my heart - Loretta and I are kept apart by walls of stone and bars of steel.  My great love molders even now in prison for a crime I know she did not commit.”

As I thus held Sheldolina’s attention, my men had silently crept into the room.  At my signal, they threw a net over her and bundled her out of the room.  I could hear her heart-breaking cries as they carried her from my presence.

In time, the echoes of her lonely heart left mine and I again resumed my studies.  I was certain that my heart had hardened to the point that these impassioned pleas had no effect; but I saw the page I was reading blotted with my own tears.

Clearly, I need no help in matters of the heart!

With a passion for fun, yet loyal to one, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: sex, romance, creams, pills, lotions, Andy Lam, Sheldolina, Loretta, tears, alarms, nets, arms, hearts, love, passion

I have come to understand - and solved - one of the greatest challenges faced by humanity. Let me tell you all about it.

In the mornings and evenings, I have sometimes been OVERCOME by a bright light shining into my eyes. To get to the root of this problem I conducted MANY experiments. In preparation for my experiments, I had some henchmen construct as 1,500 foot tower in the center of the compound. With the help of two dozen trained eagles, I was easily able to reach a small platform at the top of the tower. Sitting there one morning before daybreak, I noted that it was dark and that there was no bright light shining in my face.

I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. I noticed the shadow of the tower growing on the ground in front of me. Growing longer and longer and longer and the day became brighter and brighter and brighter. Using a red crayon, I put an “X” on one side of the platform to show that I had not seen the bright light.

I stayed on the tower watching the shadow grow and then it began to get smaller again. Smaller and smaller and smaller until it disappeared! I sat and looked down to the ground to see where the shadow had gone but it was NO WHERE! I looked at the ground for several hours but saw nothing.

When I had looked at the ground for a very LONG TIME, I looked up and there it was! The bright light was in my eyes! It was terrifying! I quickly grabbed a green crayon and made an X next to the red one. The bright light was hurting my eyes but I was going to stay there and study the phenomenon for as long as I could.

Soon, the bright light sank below the horizon and it got dark. Dark and cold. Dark and cold and scary. I took out my experiment book and read my next set of tests. It said I should turn 90 degrees to my right and continue my observations. With the help of a protractor, I was able to measure 90 degrees and once again took up my position. For many hours I observed nothing like the bright light that I’d seen in the afternoon. Nor did I see the shadow of the tower.

As had been the case the previous day, shortly before daybreak I noticed a gradual lightening in the sky and things on the ground began to become visible to me. I stared at the ground waiting to see the bright light or the shadow but in the end saw neither. The watched carefully the entire day until is started to get dark. With my red crayon I made an X to show that nothing had happened.

I wrote a note on a scape of paper - asking for food - an put it into one of the eagle’s beaks. It flew down to the ground. Soon, several wings could be heard flapping and in just a moment a table with food appeared. I ate some delicious items that the eagles brought me. It was wonderful!

Remembering my purpose though, I send the eagles away and took out my experiment book once again. As was the case yesterday, it told me to turn 90 degrees to my right and to continue my observations. Again, I withdrew my protractor, measured the 90 degrees and went to work.

For most of the night it was dark. Dark and cold. Dark and cold and scary. Finally, just before daybreak, the sky started to change color and I could see things on the ground. And then, all at once, the BRIGHT LIGHT WAS IN MY EYES! I hurt and made it hard to see as I struggled to draw a green X on the edge of the platform. For hours the light was going RIGHT INTO MY EYES! Soon though, the light wasn’t in my eyes; but there was that shadow again. Growing, growing, growing it got longer and longer and longer.

With the help of the experiment book and protractor, I repositioned myself to be facing 90 degrees to my right. Through the night - the cold, dark and scary night - I saw nothing. But then, just as happened two nights ago, the sky began to get lighter and the ground became visible. I waited for the bright light but it never came. With my red crayon I drew the X. I sat though the night and found when I turned 90 degrees to my right that I had already drawn a red and green X. My data collection complete, I sent another EAGLE GRAM down to the ground asking that they set up my trampoline.

When I heard the tiny voices calling that it was ready, I launched myself into the sky. Falling for 1500 feet was fun and exhilarating. But it was nothing compared to the bounce! For several hours I bounced - gradually lower and lower until I came to rest in the center of the trampoline. With rubbery legs, I stepped to the ground and promptly collapsed. A team was on hand to rush me into the house where I have been recovering from my ordeal.

Never one to tarry, I begged for a telephone. With it I called one of the world’s preeminent scientists to share and discuss my observations. I explained that when facing in one direction, the bright light went into my eyes later in the day, that facing another direction I didn’t see the bright light at all, that facing a third direction the light was in my eyes early in the day and that facing a fourth direction there was, again, no light in my eyes. The professor peppered me with questions and asked my permission to share my observations with some of his colleagues. A request to which I readily acquiesced.

Early the next day, Klondike (one of my most loyal servants) brought me a telephone. “The professor” was all he had to say. The professor and I spoke for several hours and he asked if I would be willing to present my findings at a conference he was organizing in Geneva. Packing my bags as we spoke, I said yes and told my men to ready the eagles.

On the long flight, I considered what I might say to the august group I would be addressing and what insights they might have into the bright light. My comments were well received and I was touched by their long and loud ovation. In a private discussion, one colleague told me I ought to receive the NOBLE PRIZE and that he was of the opinion that the only thing able to create the light I was describing was a STAR.

This pronouncement seemed unbelievable to me; but soon others were telling me the same thing; that what I had seen could be nothing other than the mysterious STAR. With no other explanation at hand. The gathered experts declared that I, ANDY LAM!, had observed a STAR first hand; and further that this star should be called the LAM. Being modest, I agreed only after they begged and cajoled me for some time.

We further decided that a working group should be formed to determine how to prevent the light from the LAM from hurting people’s eyes. My suggestion, which was adopted by unanimous consent, was that people use their HANDS to block the light from the LAM from hitting them in the eye. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the most elegant.

For the next several weeks, I was the toast of the town and was wined and dined by a veritable who’s-who in science, the arts, industry and government. Not only did I return home with a STAR named after me; but I was also confident that I would be a shoe in for the 2007 Noble Prize in Physics.

Just another in the unending list of my successes.

With more comfortable eyes, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Star, Lam, Light, Green, Red, X, eagles, shadow, Geneva, Noble Prize, Physics, Eyes, tower, trampoline

This has long been one of my favorite stories:

In a fresh example of his failure to gauge the national mood, Vice President Dick Cheney discussed a memorable bowel movement for nearly three minutes during a recent broadcast airing of “Meet the Press.” A stunned Tim Russert stared - his mouth agape - as the story unfolded.

read more | digg story

With a news for news and the scars to prove it, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Dick Cheney, Meet the Press, Tim Russert, Bowel Movement

Egad! Yesterday I wrote about how much people LOVE me and the wonderful ways the come to visit my site.  The love, like a driving summer storm, continues to pour down on me, ANDY LAM!  Here’s what I’m talking about.

When I woke up this morning - at my usual 3:47AM - I noted the murmur of many muffled, yet distinct, voices.  Grabbing a long wrapping paper tube for self-defense, I began crawling across the floor toward the source of the sound.  My principal sleeping chamber is on the 15th floor, so the crawl - down the damp, stone spiral stairs - took me some time. As I pulled myself toward the main gate on my elbows, the murmuring was becoming louder and louder.  As I raised myself to peep through one of the numerous arrow loops in the wall on either side of the gate, a stunning site rushed into my eyes.

For as far as I could see, there was a gathered multitude.  I ran around the wall checking arrow slit after arrow slit and the view was the same in every direction.  From the base of the wall to the distant horizon - there, standing in the cold dark night, were tens of thousands of people.  They stood and shivered together - all hoping simply for a chance to be able to tell their friends and relations that they had caught sight of me, ANDY LAM!

Overcome by emotion, I started to laugh hysterically.  My laughter was like the pealing of a great bright bell and its sound swept over the people like a warming summer breeze.  They began talking among themselves in excited tones.  I could hear them asking each other if they could possibly be hearing my laugh.  Still holding my tube, I mounted the upper wall and began to walk around the perimeter of the compound just laughing and laughing and laughing.

I laughed until I shook, until I felt sick to my stomach and began to vomit.  I vomited onto the ground and that made me laugh even more.  The power of my laughter began to drive the darkness from the sky; and even though it was still too early for the sun to rise, it appeared to see what all of the laughter was about.

In no time flat, the people and the sun and the ground and the sky and the clouds and the walls and the gates and the stars all began to laugh as well and the sounds of all of our laughter went into outer space and reached rocket ships and spacemen and Martians - and they began to laugh too!  Their laughter was mixed with our laughter and it reached alien planets on the other side of the galaxy and they began to laugh on those planets.   Soon, all of the life forms in the Milky Way were laughing and now the laughing spread across the entire UNIVERSE.  And all across the UNIVERSE everyone was laughing until everyone began to feel sick to their stomachs and started to vomit.  But that just made everyone laugh harder.  We all laughed so hard that our laughs went from the UNIVERSE into the ENIVERSE and all the ENERGY began to laugh too.  Soon, all of everything everywhere was rollicking and laughing in one giant festival of laughter.  Tears flowed and it was really something.

When we’d all laughed ourselves out  (you must remember this part since you were there) and caught our breath we all said how wonderful it was to have heard the great UNIVERSAL LAUGH of ANDY LAM!  Even though I am ANDY LAM! I had to agree.

So that’s why I felt overwhelmed.  You would too if the entire UNIVERSE obeyed your every whim.

Stunned at my own wonderfulnes, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Laugh, Universe, Arrow Loop, Wonderful

Once upon a time, there was a group of wonderful musicians.  They were called Cream.  They made music a very long time ago.  Fortunately, the music they made has lived on thanks to recordings that were made back in the olden days.  I bring all of this up because they made up a song called, “I’m so glad” that is about being glad; and glad is what I am today.  Why am I glad?  Because people REALLY, REALLY LOVE ME!

How do I know this?  Because SO MANY of them come to visit The Lamscape every day.  One of the things that I LOVE to do is to try to guess how people have come to visit my site.  Good thing for me the INTERNET has all kinds of special things for keeping track of these sorts of details!

Of course there are many, many, many people who simply make visting the site a part of thier daily life.  These are the smartest people.  Then there are others that visit the site because it is on a site that they visit as a part of their daily life (like digg or the spoof).  These people are very wise.  Then there are the people who are simply lucky.  Lucky people start out by trying to find out something very important and then find me instead!  These lucky people are the most interesting.

• One lucky chap wanted to know about masturbate space station.  I’m sure he was very happy to read all about the Discovery Space Ship and the Masturbation tornament!
• Someone else was interested in dolphin masturbation.  I hope they were able to use what they found!
• Another person was looking for some “hands-on information”: how to maturbate a man demonstrations.  I’ll bet some lucky man is happy about that one!
• Some budding scientist needed to know how much does a gallon of orange juice weigh? And who better to ask than ANDY LAM!
• My site saved the day for a comedian looking for jokes about the animal bobcat.  The audience must have been in stiches!
• An aspiring athlete was curious about masturbation athletes.  I just hope they stay away from the juice!
• A health-conscious searcher wanted to find out more about orange juice and egg white erection dysfunction.  Where better to look than the Lamscape?
• This one confused even me a little, why would someone want to know why do hunters hang dogs by collars? If anyone knows, please, do tell!
• I can’t tell you have often I’ve wondered about this - do koalas masturbate? - but I’ve always been to shy to ask one myself.

This is only a small sample of a few of the fortunate paths people have taken to my virtual door.  I do note - with some dismay - that people seem to be very curious about masturbation.  What do they teach these kids in school these days?

With an answer for everything, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, google, yahoo, masturbation, orange juice, space station, dolphin, hunters, ask.com, koalas, digg

My nose for news sure is paying off!  I have a real knack for finding the TRUTH!!

Beijing - Contrary to earlier reports, the diner who ate the last remaining Chinese white dolphin or bajji was not a westerner but was, in fact, Bao Xishun, the 7 foot nine inch herder from Inner Mongolia. Bao, the world’s tallest man, attempted to make amends for his shameful meal by assisting veterinarians in saving the lives of two dolphins.

read more | digg story

Always on the lookout for the next big scoop, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Dolphin, Bao Xishun, Bajii, Chinese white dolphin

[This story was originally writted for thespoof.com]

USA Rocket Blasts Off!

Today a rocket ship from the USA went zooming off into outer space. When the rocket blasted off, there was a lot of flames, smoke and sparks. Inside the rocket were a bunch of astronauts. These heroic fliers are some of the greatest Americans that have ever lived. They are brave and are ready for exciting adventures in the stars.

The mission of these spacemen is to visit a space station. They will bring the space men on the space station food and drinks along with some mail and some things they need to live and work in space. All of the astronauts are very excited to be visiting a space station. For some of the space men this will be their first trip to the stars. For some of the other space travelers this trip is familiar because they have been to space before.

As soon as the space men got into space they stopped their rocket and made sure that everything was OK. Going to space is very dangerous and it is easy for a space ship to get broken when it flies away from the planet earth. That is why the have to check it. What they do is look out of the windows to see if there is anything broken. They also have cameras on sticks that let them look at places they can’t see from the windows. Other times they put on their space suits to have a first hand look at their space craft.

Whatever the astronauts are doing, they are being watched by people on the earth. They make sure that the astronauts have the right amount of air, food and water to keep them safe in space. They also tell them when it is time to go to bed and when it is time to get up. This is important because in space it is always dark and so sometimes astronauts stay up too late and get over tired. When this happens they can make mistakes.

A mistake in space can cost the astronauts dearly! Most of the time if there is a mistake with a rocket or spaceship you know that someone is not going to be coming back to the earth safely. When this happens everyone in America and the world is sad. So even though it is very nice when the spaceship goes into outer space, it is not all fun and games up there.

The name of the latest rocket to go to space is the Discovery. Besides bringing the food to the space men on the space station, the astronauts on the Discovery rocket are also helping build new rooms on the space station. These rooms will let more astronauts live in outer space and they will build a new home for America on the moon someday. They will also make a place for the Discovery to land on the moon.

According the the NASA, once there are people living on the moon with rockets they will blast off to planet Mars where there is water. With water life is possible and so soon we will have people living on Mars. All of this is thanks to the brave astronauts that blasted off in the Discovery rocket.

Technorati Tags: Space, astronauts, Discovery, Rocket, space station, Moon, Mars

My oh my oh my oh my.  I am such as super lucky guy!

My stories are once again gracing the pages of The Spoof - and the response couldn’t be greater!  Is it possible that this is the big break into professional journalism that I’ve been hoping for?  Only time will tell.

With a nose for news, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!