Friends - I must be brief but I have some tremendous and disturbing news: there is something strange in the sky today!  Quick - look out of your window to see if it is happening where you are!  Look up.  Are there what appears to be large clumps of wool or cotton floating near where you are?  Here where I am the sky is full of these floaty things.  People are terrified and are running for cover.  These objects - which have no obvious means of propulsion - have blocked the sun and are casting great dark shadows on the ground.

These “shadow rays” as I call them proceeded to chase people on the ground.  Here all is chaos.  Thankfully no one appears to have been killed or injured by these fluffy white attackers (or their shadow minions) but I fear it is only a matter of time.  Rest assured that I am working closely with FEDERAL authorities to understand and thwart this attack.

I need to break off now to continue my study or this new enemy and to plan our strategy.

With your best interest always at the front of my mind, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, sky, white, fluffy, cotton, wool, attack, shadow

HELLO!

I am so smart but BOY do I sure do some DUM things SOMETIMES!!  A you know, I am SUPER SMART.  I mean SUPER SUPER DUPER SMART.  I also have a great deal of expierience with water, oceans, seas, streams, lakes, brooks, rivers, fjords, ponds, swamps, rain drops, condensation, etc. so you’d THINK I would have a good HANDLE on the properties of LIQUIDS!

Well think AGAIN!  I am such a strudel-noggin!

Today, I thought it would be good fun to go for a walk.  (For those of you unfamiliar with walking, it is a form of LOCOMOTION that is conducted by placing one foot in front on the other.  I tend to raise my foot off the ground before moving it but this is optional.)  Near my compound is a large body of liquid water that people tell me is nice of observe visually.

Given the fact that I am recognized as one of the formost experts on aesthetics, I find it laughable that people assume that they can tell me something I DON’T know in this area.  Anyhow, I made my way down to this liquid and began to WALK around its edge.  Looking at it, I thought it would be nice to walk out onto the surface of the water a little bit.  (I know this is possible because it is in the Bible.)  I took a step onto the water and at first everthing was OK.  But just a few steps later my shoes and pants were all wet.

This development DISTURBED me very much.  I quickly retreated to the shore to assess my situation.  Perhaps, I reasoned, I had simply hit upon a weak spot on the edge of the water.  This made sense because I am certain many PEOPLE and ANIMALS had already walked on the surface in this area and had worn it a way a little bit.

The secret would be for me to get further out into the water where the surface would be stronger.  I looked to see if there was a trail leading further into the water but did not see one.  Looking up however, I did notice a large number of TREE LIMBS (aka BRANCHES) extending out over the water.  This would be my ticket!  By climbing a tree I would be able to enjoy a stroll on the suface.

Because I can from time to time be FRIGHTENED of heights, I decided it would be good to wear many weights all over my body to help draw me more quickly AWAY FROM THE SKY and down to the surface of the water.  With more than 400 pounds of lead on my person, I (with the help of a number of my assistants) made my way to the top of a tree.  I next made my way to the end of a limb (aka BRANCH as pointed out above) and then commenced returning to the earth/water surface.

I was concerned that I would get hurt when I hit the water and so had covered my JUMPsuit with pillows to help break my fall.  BETTER MY FALL THAN MY ARM, I always say! Down, down, down I fell.  Up, up, up rushed the water right at me.  After falling for seven minutes, I landed.  (OR, more accuraltely, I WATERED!).

Can you imagine how surprised I was when the top of the water gave way and I fell through?  I don’t think that you can imagine this!  I fell and fell and fell and fell.  The pillows did their job and cushioned my fall but the lead seemed to have an unanticipated consequence.  I was descending down into the liquid water and down to its murkiest depths!

Now I’ve been to the bottom of the ocean a million times.  I’ve visited the TITANIC and all but I was NOT expecting to be under the water like this.  I had no mask!  I had no flippers!  I had no swuimsuit!  As I settled into the mud at the bottom of the water, I began to be scared.  How would I be able to breath under water?  I know that fish can do it but I am not a fish.  I looked around and started to cry.  Would like be the end of the most wonderful person in the world?  I sure hoped not!

Lucky for you (AND FOR ME!) it wasn’t.  My team was there for me (as the always are).  A number of them reached in and pulled me out of the water.  I was all wet and muddy.  I also decided that I would need to remember that water is not a safe play thing and that if I wanted to play with it I would need to do a better job of preparing myself.

I am hoping that this (what I am writing right now) will serve as a reminder for me (and for you too) that water can be scary.  I know I was scared.

Well, that’s all I wanted to say.

With an itch I can’t scratch, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, water, liquid, lake, river, stream, pillows, brooks, ice, rain, lead, fish, surprise, itch, Andy, Lam, Luck, Bible, tree

As are people with a lick of good sense know, I am a HUGE fan of Loni Anderson. I took the occasion the past week to watch every thing that she has done over her long career. From her first appearance as Miss Texas on “S.W.A.T.” back in 1975 to her work in 2006 as Kiki Spelling in “So noTORIous,” I watched everything. And believe me, this was no small task - Loni has appeared in 160 different TV programs or movies!

It took my team of archivists and researchers months to track everything down but the result was well worth the effort. For seven magical days and nights I was able to watch Loni in all of her glory! Interestingly, the role that most caught my imagination was her voice work as Flo in “All Dogs go to Heaven” (1989). It was so moving. It made me wonder, do all dogs really go to heaven? Being the scientist that I am, I couldn’t leave the question hanging and so I went to work to find the answer.

I started by getting two dogs. One was Butchie, a hound that has been nothing but wonderful his entire life. (He comes from a farm up the road.) The other was Waggles, a two year old terrier that everyone hates. (He is owned by the lady that owns the beauty shop I go to.)

• Butchie will do anything for anyone. Waggles will only bite.
• Butchie likes pets. Waggles won’t let you touch him.
• Butchie is a good listener. Waggles only barks.
• Butchie never steals food. Waggles takes anything he can get.

In short, Butchie is a good dog and Waggles is a bad dog.

What a better pair could I have obtained for my experiment! I fitted each with a global posisitioning tracking device and a radio transmitter. Next I had my men take them to a field and shoot them. Now the waiting began.

I sat in my lab watching their GPS signals. There was no movement. I also listened in to hear if there were any harps playing; but there were not. All I could hear was the sound of passing traffic, birds and the occasional jet passing over head. After this state of affairs continued for several days I felt ready to release my findings. You are among the first to learn what I did through careful experimentation: all dogs do not go to heaven. If you shoot them in a field they will stay right were you left them.

I was very disappointed by all of this. Upset to the point that I am planning on sending Loni details of my research so that she will know the truth. I feel sad that Butchie is dead. His owners will be mad if they find out what happened to him. I don’t feel bad about Waggles though. He was a bad dog.

A curious person in every sense, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Loni Anderson, SWAT, noTORIous, All Dogs go to Heaven, Dogs, GPS, Radio, dead, heaven, Andy Lam

I have come to understand - and solved - one of the greatest challenges faced by humanity. Let me tell you all about it.

In the mornings and evenings, I have sometimes been OVERCOME by a bright light shining into my eyes. To get to the root of this problem I conducted MANY experiments. In preparation for my experiments, I had some henchmen construct as 1,500 foot tower in the center of the compound. With the help of two dozen trained eagles, I was easily able to reach a small platform at the top of the tower. Sitting there one morning before daybreak, I noted that it was dark and that there was no bright light shining in my face.

I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. I noticed the shadow of the tower growing on the ground in front of me. Growing longer and longer and longer and the day became brighter and brighter and brighter. Using a red crayon, I put an “X” on one side of the platform to show that I had not seen the bright light.

I stayed on the tower watching the shadow grow and then it began to get smaller again. Smaller and smaller and smaller until it disappeared! I sat and looked down to the ground to see where the shadow had gone but it was NO WHERE! I looked at the ground for several hours but saw nothing.

When I had looked at the ground for a very LONG TIME, I looked up and there it was! The bright light was in my eyes! It was terrifying! I quickly grabbed a green crayon and made an X next to the red one. The bright light was hurting my eyes but I was going to stay there and study the phenomenon for as long as I could.

Soon, the bright light sank below the horizon and it got dark. Dark and cold. Dark and cold and scary. I took out my experiment book and read my next set of tests. It said I should turn 90 degrees to my right and continue my observations. With the help of a protractor, I was able to measure 90 degrees and once again took up my position. For many hours I observed nothing like the bright light that I’d seen in the afternoon. Nor did I see the shadow of the tower.

As had been the case the previous day, shortly before daybreak I noticed a gradual lightening in the sky and things on the ground began to become visible to me. I stared at the ground waiting to see the bright light or the shadow but in the end saw neither. The watched carefully the entire day until is started to get dark. With my red crayon I made an X to show that nothing had happened.

I wrote a note on a scape of paper - asking for food - an put it into one of the eagle’s beaks. It flew down to the ground. Soon, several wings could be heard flapping and in just a moment a table with food appeared. I ate some delicious items that the eagles brought me. It was wonderful!

Remembering my purpose though, I send the eagles away and took out my experiment book once again. As was the case yesterday, it told me to turn 90 degrees to my right and to continue my observations. Again, I withdrew my protractor, measured the 90 degrees and went to work.

For most of the night it was dark. Dark and cold. Dark and cold and scary. Finally, just before daybreak, the sky started to change color and I could see things on the ground. And then, all at once, the BRIGHT LIGHT WAS IN MY EYES! I hurt and made it hard to see as I struggled to draw a green X on the edge of the platform. For hours the light was going RIGHT INTO MY EYES! Soon though, the light wasn’t in my eyes; but there was that shadow again. Growing, growing, growing it got longer and longer and longer.

With the help of the experiment book and protractor, I repositioned myself to be facing 90 degrees to my right. Through the night - the cold, dark and scary night - I saw nothing. But then, just as happened two nights ago, the sky began to get lighter and the ground became visible. I waited for the bright light but it never came. With my red crayon I drew the X. I sat though the night and found when I turned 90 degrees to my right that I had already drawn a red and green X. My data collection complete, I sent another EAGLE GRAM down to the ground asking that they set up my trampoline.

When I heard the tiny voices calling that it was ready, I launched myself into the sky. Falling for 1500 feet was fun and exhilarating. But it was nothing compared to the bounce! For several hours I bounced - gradually lower and lower until I came to rest in the center of the trampoline. With rubbery legs, I stepped to the ground and promptly collapsed. A team was on hand to rush me into the house where I have been recovering from my ordeal.

Never one to tarry, I begged for a telephone. With it I called one of the world’s preeminent scientists to share and discuss my observations. I explained that when facing in one direction, the bright light went into my eyes later in the day, that facing another direction I didn’t see the bright light at all, that facing a third direction the light was in my eyes early in the day and that facing a fourth direction there was, again, no light in my eyes. The professor peppered me with questions and asked my permission to share my observations with some of his colleagues. A request to which I readily acquiesced.

Early the next day, Klondike (one of my most loyal servants) brought me a telephone. “The professor” was all he had to say. The professor and I spoke for several hours and he asked if I would be willing to present my findings at a conference he was organizing in Geneva. Packing my bags as we spoke, I said yes and told my men to ready the eagles.

On the long flight, I considered what I might say to the august group I would be addressing and what insights they might have into the bright light. My comments were well received and I was touched by their long and loud ovation. In a private discussion, one colleague told me I ought to receive the NOBLE PRIZE and that he was of the opinion that the only thing able to create the light I was describing was a STAR.

This pronouncement seemed unbelievable to me; but soon others were telling me the same thing; that what I had seen could be nothing other than the mysterious STAR. With no other explanation at hand. The gathered experts declared that I, ANDY LAM!, had observed a STAR first hand; and further that this star should be called the LAM. Being modest, I agreed only after they begged and cajoled me for some time.

We further decided that a working group should be formed to determine how to prevent the light from the LAM from hurting people’s eyes. My suggestion, which was adopted by unanimous consent, was that people use their HANDS to block the light from the LAM from hitting them in the eye. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the most elegant.

For the next several weeks, I was the toast of the town and was wined and dined by a veritable who’s-who in science, the arts, industry and government. Not only did I return home with a STAR named after me; but I was also confident that I would be a shoe in for the 2007 Noble Prize in Physics.

Just another in the unending list of my successes.

With more comfortable eyes, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Star, Lam, Light, Green, Red, X, eagles, shadow, Geneva, Noble Prize, Physics, Eyes, tower, trampoline

Egad! Yesterday I wrote about how much people LOVE me and the wonderful ways the come to visit my site.  The love, like a driving summer storm, continues to pour down on me, ANDY LAM!  Here’s what I’m talking about.

When I woke up this morning - at my usual 3:47AM - I noted the murmur of many muffled, yet distinct, voices.  Grabbing a long wrapping paper tube for self-defense, I began crawling across the floor toward the source of the sound.  My principal sleeping chamber is on the 15th floor, so the crawl - down the damp, stone spiral stairs - took me some time. As I pulled myself toward the main gate on my elbows, the murmuring was becoming louder and louder.  As I raised myself to peep through one of the numerous arrow loops in the wall on either side of the gate, a stunning site rushed into my eyes.

For as far as I could see, there was a gathered multitude.  I ran around the wall checking arrow slit after arrow slit and the view was the same in every direction.  From the base of the wall to the distant horizon - there, standing in the cold dark night, were tens of thousands of people.  They stood and shivered together - all hoping simply for a chance to be able to tell their friends and relations that they had caught sight of me, ANDY LAM!

Overcome by emotion, I started to laugh hysterically.  My laughter was like the pealing of a great bright bell and its sound swept over the people like a warming summer breeze.  They began talking among themselves in excited tones.  I could hear them asking each other if they could possibly be hearing my laugh.  Still holding my tube, I mounted the upper wall and began to walk around the perimeter of the compound just laughing and laughing and laughing.

I laughed until I shook, until I felt sick to my stomach and began to vomit.  I vomited onto the ground and that made me laugh even more.  The power of my laughter began to drive the darkness from the sky; and even though it was still too early for the sun to rise, it appeared to see what all of the laughter was about.

In no time flat, the people and the sun and the ground and the sky and the clouds and the walls and the gates and the stars all began to laugh as well and the sounds of all of our laughter went into outer space and reached rocket ships and spacemen and Martians - and they began to laugh too!  Their laughter was mixed with our laughter and it reached alien planets on the other side of the galaxy and they began to laugh on those planets.   Soon, all of the life forms in the Milky Way were laughing and now the laughing spread across the entire UNIVERSE.  And all across the UNIVERSE everyone was laughing until everyone began to feel sick to their stomachs and started to vomit.  But that just made everyone laugh harder.  We all laughed so hard that our laughs went from the UNIVERSE into the ENIVERSE and all the ENERGY began to laugh too.  Soon, all of everything everywhere was rollicking and laughing in one giant festival of laughter.  Tears flowed and it was really something.

When we’d all laughed ourselves out  (you must remember this part since you were there) and caught our breath we all said how wonderful it was to have heard the great UNIVERSAL LAUGH of ANDY LAM!  Even though I am ANDY LAM! I had to agree.

So that’s why I felt overwhelmed.  You would too if the entire UNIVERSE obeyed your every whim.

Stunned at my own wonderfulnes, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Laugh, Universe, Arrow Loop, Wonderful

[This story was originally writted for thespoof.com]

USA Rocket Blasts Off!

Today a rocket ship from the USA went zooming off into outer space. When the rocket blasted off, there was a lot of flames, smoke and sparks. Inside the rocket were a bunch of astronauts. These heroic fliers are some of the greatest Americans that have ever lived. They are brave and are ready for exciting adventures in the stars.

The mission of these spacemen is to visit a space station. They will bring the space men on the space station food and drinks along with some mail and some things they need to live and work in space. All of the astronauts are very excited to be visiting a space station. For some of the space men this will be their first trip to the stars. For some of the other space travelers this trip is familiar because they have been to space before.

As soon as the space men got into space they stopped their rocket and made sure that everything was OK. Going to space is very dangerous and it is easy for a space ship to get broken when it flies away from the planet earth. That is why the have to check it. What they do is look out of the windows to see if there is anything broken. They also have cameras on sticks that let them look at places they can’t see from the windows. Other times they put on their space suits to have a first hand look at their space craft.

Whatever the astronauts are doing, they are being watched by people on the earth. They make sure that the astronauts have the right amount of air, food and water to keep them safe in space. They also tell them when it is time to go to bed and when it is time to get up. This is important because in space it is always dark and so sometimes astronauts stay up too late and get over tired. When this happens they can make mistakes.

A mistake in space can cost the astronauts dearly! Most of the time if there is a mistake with a rocket or spaceship you know that someone is not going to be coming back to the earth safely. When this happens everyone in America and the world is sad. So even though it is very nice when the spaceship goes into outer space, it is not all fun and games up there.

The name of the latest rocket to go to space is the Discovery. Besides bringing the food to the space men on the space station, the astronauts on the Discovery rocket are also helping build new rooms on the space station. These rooms will let more astronauts live in outer space and they will build a new home for America on the moon someday. They will also make a place for the Discovery to land on the moon.

According the the NASA, once there are people living on the moon with rockets they will blast off to planet Mars where there is water. With water life is possible and so soon we will have people living on Mars. All of this is thanks to the brave astronauts that blasted off in the Discovery rocket.

Technorati Tags: Space, astronauts, Discovery, Rocket, space station, Moon, Mars

Sometimes I do stupid things. Sometimes I do stupid things and I think about them when I want to feel bad. Sometimes I do stupid things and they fly out of my head like a bat out of a cave. And sometimes I do stupid things that I forget about and then remember because something happens that reminds me and then I feel REALLY bad. Today is one of those days.

A few years ago I went to Mars. This is the kind of thing I do pretty often - the Titanic, Mars, the Moon, the Eniverse - whatever. When I was up there, I remember getting pretty thirsty and pulling out a big ole jug of water. I started trying to drink it but it just kept running off the face plate of my helmet. Again and again I tried. Gallon after gallon spilled down the front of my space suit and onto the Martian surface.

(I was standing right on the edge of this mountain when I was trying to drink)

I was not getting any less thirsty but soon I was standing in the middle of a sticky red mud puddle. At first I was amazed - “Water on Mars!,” I shouted; but then I realized that it was just the water that hadn’t gone into my mouth. I was disappointed. I walked around for a little while and then went back to my rocket ship so I could go home.

On the flight back, I totally forgot about the whole water thing - until today. Now I see the news that NASA has found water on Mars. At first I was amazed - “Water on Mars!,” I shouted; but then I realized that it was just the water that I’d spilled when I was there a couple of years ago.

I feel really bad since a lot of people are really excited about this whole water thing. Sorry, it was just me.

Feeling all washed up, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Mars, Water

Right now, right this very moment, one of the many thoughts occurring in my oh so spacious head is about water.  I am thinking about drinking some water.  There is some water to drink very close to my right arm.  It would not take too much effort for me to pause in my typing and to reach for that water and to raise the bottle to my lips and to part said lips and to welcome the cool water into my mouth and to swallow the water carefully (so I don’t choke on it) and to feel the water traveling down my throat and into my stomach where it will remain for a brief time before it travels through the rest of my digestive system until it reaches my bladed and is voided (I’m not really clear what happens between my stomach and bladder but I’ll be it is super interesting).

I am also able to look at water.  If I cast my gaze slightly to the right, and a little bit down, I can see the bottle of water I just mentioned in the paragraph proceeding this one.  What is interesting about looking at water is that there really isn’t that much to see.  This water is clear and it is in a clear bottle.  In fact, I can’t really be sure that I am seeing it at all.  It is possible that all I am seeing (or think I am seeing) is a mirage.  I also notice that it is not very easy to taste water.  Water is also not very smelly or noisy.  (It can be both but I try to stay away from smelly water especially.)  The  most important sense when it comes to water is the sense of touch.  Water is, more than anything else, something you can feel.

My thoughts about water - aside from what I have written about in the two proceeding paragraphs - are focused on water skiing.  I have never water skied successfully but have seen it done on many occasions.  In these past few minutes, I have imagined myself water skiing.  In my imagination, I am wearing a pair of yellow and red flower print swim trunks and an orange life vest.  I am watching myself from the perspective of someone sitting on the boat that is pulling me.  I see myself waving one arm excitedly over my head as I cross the boats wake again and again.

Now I am thinking of another use for water.  This is as something to give animals when they are thirsty.  I have tried giving animals a variety of liquids in the past (as part of government funded experiments): Castor oil, cod liver oil, soda, beer, scotch, bourbon, wine, sake, milk, orange juice, lemonade, coffee, tea, hot chocolate, melted ice cream, soup, broth, maple syrup, blood, paint, tears, perspiration, urine, rain, honey, ink, cough medicine, yogurt, sap, bird vomit, egg whites, pancake batter, Gatorade, vodka, coconut milk, vanilla extract, food coloring, shampoo, mouthwash, kaluah, etc.  I have never knowingly given an animal anything to drink that was bad for them but I can tell you that some of the thing’s I’ve just listed were NOT GOOD.

Getting an animal drunk may seem like a good idea but it is not.  A dog that has had a few too many may suddenly cease to be mans best friend and turn, instead, into a real beast.  I recall one afternoon, a Sunday in May I believe - a  Mother’s Day if I am not mistaken (and trust me, I am not) - that I found this out first hand.

I, joined by 40 colleagues, disended on the dining room of one of the city’s FANCIEST restaurants.  For this experiment, each of us was wearing dark glasses and carrying the red and white canes often associated with the visually challenged.  We each, also, of course, had a guide dog to help us find our way about town.  While the restaurant staff was dubious, they nevertheless were willing to seat us.  (Half our number had donned wigs so as to pose as mothers - it was a very convincing ruse.)  No sooner had we been seated then we started ordering drinks.

As quickly as the drinks were delivered we requested more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more.  And as we received them we, by various clever slights of hand, distracted our waiters and waitresses while we poured the liquor discreetly into dog bowls for our dogs to lap up.  This went on for some time until the animals began showing clear signs of intoxication.  In some this took the form of sleep, in others agitation and in yet others uncontrollable barking.   I was carefully taking notes on what was occurring (the fact that I was writing raised some eyebrows).

Our plan had been to intoxicate the dogs and then to set them free in the dining room to see what would happen next.  And so, for the sake of science, this is what we did.  Each of use reached to our dogs collars and removed their leashes.  We then began puffing on dog whistles.  The did not seem to work because they did not produce any sound. So we moved to plan B.  This involved us throwing tennis balls for the dogs to catch.  This proved to be far more effective.

What had been a decreasingly placid Mother’s Day brunch was quickly transformed into a dashing, running, barking, crashing, slobbering, leaping, scampering, vomiting, urinating, defecating scene of chaos.  Tables were upended as people tried to avoid the dogs (or as dogs leapt onto the them to retrieve their balls).  Once the dogs were free they also began eating with abandon - not caring whose plate they raided (or even the buffet for that matter).

Angry eyes (and I do mean ANGRY) flashed from every direction at me, my colleagues and our dogs.  But just when things seemed as though they would get out of control, I pulled my megaphone from my bad.  “Attention,” I shouted, “I am ANDY LAM! and I am conducting a very important experiment!”

With these words, a hush fell over the room (even the dogs heeded their master’s voice).  People took their seats and slowly, one by one, started to applaud.  In minutes the very air shook with the warmth of their cheers and clapping.  I stood to acknowledge them and then, with a clap of my own hands, summoned my team and our dogs.  Like a well-drilled army, all fell into line behind me and we marched out to the ovation of the restaurant staff and patrons.  It was a wonderful day.

Although I misplaced the original notes from that experiment, I do recall a few of my findings:

• Dogs, like people, become inebriated when they have ingested large quantities of alcohol’s.
• Like people, dogs are not able to moderate or control their behavior when they have been drinking
• Dogs are more likely than people to behave poorly when drunk
• Dogs observe no standards for public behavior, comportment or decency when they have been drinking
• All of the above facts are forgotten if you are ANDY LAM!

I also recall that I let my funding agency know that alcohol was an inappropriate beverage for dogs - but that I could not be sure whether the same held true for other animals until I had conducted further experiments.  (Sadly, further funding was not made available and so similar tests on other animals have not yet happened.)

Now very ready for that water, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

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I don’t have to work.  I am so sickeningly wealthy that I burn money just for the fun of it.  (You wouldn’t believe how hot a fire you need to melt coins!)  The other day though, an opportunity came my way that was too good to pass up.

The first thing you need to know is that hundreds, nay, thousands, nay, tens of thousands, nay, hundreds of thousands, nay, millions, nay, tens of millions, nay, hundreds of millions, nay billions, nay, tens of billions, nay, hundreds of billions, nay, trillions, nay, tens of trillions, nay, HUNDREDS OF TRILLIONS of opportunities come may way every day: soccer ball inflater, chewing gum inspector, sooth-sayer, nay-sayer, pomegranate peeler, plum processor, keyboard clicker, comb tester, marzipan molder, mink groomer, fan dancer, wire puller, island hopper, bridge inspector, monkey medic, easel folder, gut checker, telephone operator, truck driver, gandy dancer, phlebotomist, pip-squeaker, felt feeler, scavenge hunter, eaves dropper, bat corker, clock cleaner, hay maker, fire placer, side walker, windshield wiper, nut mixer, cough suppressor, lawn mower, duck blinder, gas tanker, flu vacciner, paper toweler, lion tamer, hoagie taster, hog caller, play grounder, movie projector, coffee maker, book storer, air planer, brake drummer, pencil pusher, jury foreman, toaster, house painter, photo grapher, life saver, cookie sheeter, dish washer, moth baller, hay baler, bail bondsman, man servant, rocket shipper, hanker chiefer, corn chipper, wood carver, horse flier, roast beefer, leaf blower, shot blocker, under taker, turkey baster, cheese burgerer, Stanley Cuper, pencil sharpener, ground baller, mail boxer, landing gearer, cheese grater, gin fizzer, pillow fighter, gas guzzler, wall paperer, man holer, ice skater, lemon meringuer, amusement parker, dog breeder, ipso factor, lightning striker, hub capper, grease gunner, lamp shader, shadow boxer, stink bomber, organ grinder, shark skinner, belt tightener, screw driver, lolly popper, snake charmer, thanks giver, snow plower, leaf blower, chain sawer, monkey shiner, dentist driller, coffee grinder, book mobiler, northern lighter, clam baker, cow puncher, steam cleaner, iron horser, triple player, mouse trapper, rubber bander, slow poker, mouth washer, wrist watcher, ear waxer, mail polisher, carrot peeler, rotten egger, can opener, cooling racker, eyebrow waxer, tooth chipper, anchor aweigher, sail trimmer, keel hauler, sea scaper, supper beller, trash compactor, toe tapper, mer maker, ocean liner, freight trainer, land speeder, heart breaker, home wrecker, flower potter, bottle brusher, tin foiler, oven cleaner, finger snapper, deep sleeper, wheel greaser, ponzi schemer, eye dropper, nasal sprayer, stomach pumper, witch hunter, looby looer, air porter, gravy trainer, tinsel towner, - I need a DEEP BREATH after that ONLY PARTIAL LIST!!!!

So, what could have captured my fancy when all of the above careers left me cold?  I am glad you asked.  I am a DANCE SCOUT!!!  You all know of my talents as a dancer (especially when I am wearing my DANCING PANTS); well, someone in “the biz” caught wind of my sick skills and asked if I was up for a challenge.  That is the WRONG QUESTION to ask ANDY LAM!  I LIVE for CHALLENGES!

As a DANCE SCOUT, I attend dance recitals across the country (and around the world) seeking out the most talented young dancers on the planet.  Now some people might say that watching children dance is a difficult and painful thing to do; to them I say – I beg your pardon!  What could be MORE endearing than watching a group of six-year-olds cavort in a loosely coordinated way?  Or teenager girls reaching for that brass ring by dressing up as VETS and telling the story of a PET ER through dance????

One word – NOTHING!

I think that I am like that funny gentleman WILLY WONKA in that I can make dreams come true.  I go to these dances and I watch while other wince, I enjoy while others enjoin, I note while others nod, I applaud while others are appalled.  Afterwards, I send DETAILED NOTES to my employer (a nameless secret society of DANCERS) and they send out a team of kidnappers to bring the top-prospects to a special dancer training/re-education center.

My understanding is that after many years of work – these once bright children are ready to renter the world as mindless dancing automatons for the entertainment of the masses.  According to DANCER X, these people will replace monkeys as the number one attractions at malls and movie theaters.  I, for one, am sick to death of watching trained seals and whales when I go to SEA WORLD.  I would much rather see an interpretive dance on the theme – Jelly Fish and the Return to the Sea performed by a legion of blue appareled girls.

Without me though, this vision will never become a reality.  And so I sit and I watch and I note and I clap and I cheer and I interview and I badger and I dance and I shed tears for the artistry of these dancers.  There, on the stage they stand – with little props in their hands, with nervous glances at their instructors, with beaming smiles for their parents – and with dreams of supplanting the evil monkeys.

Like them, I wish nothing more than to drive all monkeys out of the land of men.  These scrappy beasts MUST BE TAKEN CARE OF ONCE AND FOR ALL and the littlest dancers are the ones to do it.  The secret society envisions teams of dancers storming the monkey dens in cities around the world in one coordinated, choreographed strike.  Before this can happen though, the dancers need to be trained.  Before they can be trained they need to be kidnapped, before they can be kidnapped they need to be identified, before they can be identified they need to be observed – and that is my proud duty.

If we are to fend off the primate hoards, we need to band together into roaming bands of nomadic hunters protected by squads of dancers.  All of the animals are ganging up on humanity – it is time that we struck back.  If we don’t do something soon, we are going to be up against an army of super animals – led by monkeys and fueled by an insane hatred of all things human.  They will put their evil skills to use to enslave us all and make us their beast or burden and foodstuff.

I realize that this is what we have done to animals since the beginning but that is because GOD told us to do it.  I think it is in a book or something where it says, “Kill animals for they are the sons and daughters of the evil beast with fangs and sharp claws.  Slaughter them without mercy.  Eat what you can and discard the rest leaving their worthless bodies to molder on the land or sea or sky.  DESTROY ALL ANIMALS AT ONCE OR SUFFER ETERNAL DAMNATION IN HELL!!!!  THE ONLY POWER GREATER THAN ANIMALS IS DANCE SO TRAIN TO BE SICKLY SKILLED DANCING WARRIORS!!!  GODZILLA WILL NOT SAVE THE WORLD – ALL HAIL DANCE, ALL HAIL DANCE!!  ANDY LAM IS THE LORD OF THE DANCE!! OBEY ANDY LAM OR SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE EVIL ANIMALS!!!!”

Working up quite a sweat and genuinely frightened for all of us, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!!!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, dance, animals, danger

It all started when I invented a new DEEP SEA DIVING SUIT (DSDS) or DS2. This thing is A MONSTER! With it, I am able to walk across the ocean floor, AS DEEP AS I LIKE! So, that was the plan. I finally got the funding for construction of DS2 about 60 days ago and finished it up last Thursday (Thanksgiving). It took LOTS of METAL, SOME CONCRETE, a few PIECES OF GLASS, SOME RUBBER, a FEW HOSES, SOME CHICKENWIRE and A FAN and now it is complete and has been tested.

(PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! Do NOT try to do this at HOME! The above list is NOT EXHAUSTIVE and these items could be assembled in ways THAT ARE NOT SAFE for UNDERSEA EXPLORATION!)

So, anyhow, I had the crane lower the suit over me, had the seam welded shut and was dropped into the ocean. I sank like a rock. On the top of my helmet was a sturdy ring which held a cable leading to the shore. This was my LIFELINE to the WORLD above.

I hit bottom and started to walk. Needless to say, the suite is cumbersome. Walking was NO PIECE OF CAKE, but I managed. After walking for, oh, about 4 hours, I came across a ship wreck. “NEAT,” I exclaimed, and I started to explore the sunken hulk. Foolishly, I demagnetized the cable mooring on my head so I could explore more freely. (NEVER do this. YOUR LIFELINE TO THE SURFACE IS CRITICAL!)

After poking around for a while, I learned I was ON THE TITANIC!!! If I could have, I would have kicked myself for not seeing that movie. I had no IDEA where to look for the Spanish Doubloons. I made my way into the treasure house and did find a fork and some napkin rings. That is when I realized that my suit had ONE MAJOR FLAW! NO POCKETS! This was really driven home when I came across an ashtray that I REALLY, REALLY wanted.

I tried to balance it on my shoulder but it kept falling off. If only I had thought to bring a bag! Even a camera would have been nice. I ran around the ship trying to REMEMBER EVERYTHING. After about six hours, I got hungry. BINGO!, another problem. No way to eat or drink in the suit.

I was especially reminded of the food issue when I saw a bunch of crabs and lobsters running around the ground. They didn’t run away from me (I don’t think these little fellows are used to seeing live people walking around!). I could have GRABBED one and eaten it all up! I also got hungry when I went into the Titanic’s dining room. Tres Elegante! I sat down for a few minutes and tried to imagine being waited on hand and foot by liveried footmen. Ah, the opulence of it all. [NOTE TO ANDY: GET UNIFORMS FOR SERVANTS!]

After a few hours of this blissful reverie, I decided it was time to return to Dryworld, (this is a new term I have coined, please feel free to add it to YOUR vocabulary). I reattached my helmet cable and hopped onto the back of a whale for a ride to the surface. Imagine my crew’s surprise when they saw a barnacle encrusted ANDY LAM shoot up into the air atop the whales spout. What a day!

I am starting to want to delve back into my sensitive side and poemize this trip so keep your eyes ready, cuz it will be coming soon!

With salt in my pants, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Titanic, Deep Sea Diving, Whale, Crab, Lobster, Ashtray