Andy Lam - To The Zoo!
Tuesday, November 28th, 2006There are lots of places you can go that don’t take very much thought or planning - the supermarket, the hardware store, the library, the gas station, the movies, school, work, a bridge, an airport, a taxi stand, a hotel, a distant land, a pine tree, a window, a radio station, a park, etc. As you will note, zoos are not on this list (and while it is not complete or exhaustive, you may take my word on this fact). This is because going to the zoo - to me and my minions - is much more of an adventure than any of the other things I’ve listed. I’d like now to share with you details of a trip to the zoo that I had yesterday.
My story starts several weeks ago, when my staff and I started developing our plans.
I’d seen a program on television (which allows one to easily see distant and unusual things) - on something called Animal Planet. At first I was stunned that someone else had found their way to this planet so far from our own; but upon further investigation I learned that this is the name of a television station which carries programs about animals. Many of the animals portrayed were familiar to me - lions, dogs, cats, voles, cheetahs, hyenas, ponies, eagles, squirrels, bats, wombats, kangaroos, gerbils, toucans, etc., etc., etc.
One, however, was wholly new and novel to me. It is called the “elephant.” I was stunned by this strange and exotic creature. Its long proboscis, its slow and lumbering gait, its sad and soulful eyes all touched me deeply. My attempts to research this animal were initially foiled due to the odd spelling of its name. I had looked up “Leefant,” L-efant,” “Leephant” and more but found nothing. Finally, after sharing my frustration with a few trusted advisers, I was given the key which would unlock a world of elephant information - the correct spelling of the word.
My first stop, as always, was the dictionary:
elephant |ˈeləfənt| noun ( pl. same or -phants ) 1 a heavy plant-eating mammal with a prehensile trunk, long curved ivory tusks, and large ears, native to Africa and southern Asia. It is the largest living land animal. • Family Elephantidae, order Proboscidea: two species. See African elephant , Indian elephant .
Fascinated, I commenced planning a trip to Africa to see these beasts in their native land. As I began to calculate the costs and logistics of such a trip, my heart sank. For me to go and bring along a sufficient number of staff and scientists would be $45,000,000 - a small expense for me but too high for the purposes of this trip.
Stymied, I again turned to my team of experts. They explained that these animals were here in AMERICA housed in what they termed “zoos.” I begged them to continue and they told me that zoos where large parks or gardens filled with wild animals. I was amazed by this fact. Weren’t these animals liable to escape and cause terrible carnage? For days I scarcely slept and dared not venture out of doors lest I fall victim to some exotic animal foe.
It was during this time of fear that I resolved to visit on of these zoos in order to overcome my fears. For the next few weeks I sequestered myself in the LAM LAB preparing for the trip. I shan’t bore you with the details but suffice to say there was nothing that would stop or injury this fellow when he stepped into the danger zone.
Finally yesterday dawned. I had been so excited that I had not slept a wink all night; as I watched the sky brighten I checked and rechecked my equipment. The coach arrived at 4:55 and my team and I silently boarded. As is my custom, I had forbidden all verbal communication until 6:17. At 5:40 we arrived at the zoo and went immediately to work.
Alpha team silently scaled the formidable fences, disabled the alarm system and opened the gates. Bravo team and I sought out the elephant enclosure and identified a number of suitable vantage points from which I could observe these animals and carry out my operation. By 6:15, we were all in place and awaited the next phase of the plan. For many hours nothing happened. The elephants could not be seen and the zoo was quiet.
At 9:00 things began to change. A number of people began to enter the various animal enclosures with food and other supplies. It was shortly after this that I caught my first sight of an elephant “in the flesh.” Words fail me when I cast my mind back to that moment. I sat in the tree and stared in dumb disbelief for almost an hour watching these gentle giants move around their large space. By this time, the zoo had been opened to the general public and throngs of people were standing before the various cages and enclosures.
I could have stayed in my place all day, just watching, but I was brought back to reality and my mission by a hiss in my ear piece. “Come in Dr. Doolittle, this is goose one, copy, over.” I responded at once with “copy” and began preparing for the next phase in the operation.
Bracing my back against the trunk (ha ha - trunk) and my feet on a long sturdy limb, I raised the rifle. My perch was perfect in that it provided an unobstructed view to the animals, as well as a fine place for resting the weapon. I took careful aim, held my breath for what felt like hours and gently squeezed the trigger.
The rifles report was like a thunderclap as the expanding gasses forced the projectile down the gun’s barrel. All of the animals within earshot gave terrible cries and the visitors fell to the ground in terror. My shot was true and on target and the dart stuck the elephant right on its loose-skinned neck. It took only moments for the drugs to do their work and the large beast slowly settled to the ground. I hit the transmit key on my radio and called Goose team as Bravo team and I raced toward the now still animal.
Confusion reigned and those moments of confusion were crucial to my success! Goose team appeared as planned and hovered over the elephant. Goose team members rappelled from the aircraft, spread a heavy canvas sling across the ground and - with the help of Bravo team and myself - rolled the elephant onto it for extraction. While the others scampered up ropes and ladders into the aircrafts cargo area, I choose to remain with the elephant.
In under 90 seconds we were beyond the perimeter of the zoo and racing toward the compound. We reached the site quickly and a team on hand-picked vets leapt into action to ensure the health and safety of my newest prize. Alpha team, which had remained at the zoo, was tasked with letting everyone know that all was well and that it had been ANDY LAM who had absconded with the animal.
Upon hearing this, fear turned to joy, stress to relief and a fresh breeze of levity replaced the dust that had been kicked up by my helicopter’s rotors. Everyone one wanted to know all about my plans for the terrific beast. Of course I am a big one for operational security through compartmentalization and so Alpha team had no knowledge of my plans. They retrieved my weapon and other gear from the tree and left the the deafening cheers of the zoo staff and patrons alike.
At the compound, the elephant was slow to awaken. When it did though, it found itself in a new and wonderful home. I’d decided on the Court of the Sun King (Louis XIV of France) as the theme for the animal’s suite and had had elephant-scale rooms and furniture constructed for the creature’s comfort. Its first few hours were somewhat destructive (through no fault of its own) but things have since settled down.
As I write this morning, I can hear Sunny (which I have elected to name him, in honor of Louis XIV) happily playing in his rooms. I shall now conclude this entry and will proceed to the elephant’s chambers for a visit and conversation.
Excited to have a wonderful new friend, I am . . .
ANDY LAM!
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