Mr. N.A. Hole is a cad.  He is also a generally bad person.  I requested that he not include my name on his Web site but he ignored me.  That makes his a big jerk.  I don’t like Mr. N.A. Hole and suggest that you not either.

Full of seething fury, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

I am not the most writingist guy on planet earth; but from time-to-time I do try to put things onto this blog of mine.  I also attempt to read something every day.  Because I am so busy I employ a large number of people to read things for me.  The meet with me in the morning to get a list of things that I might be interested in reading about.  For example, here is the list from this morning:

• Koalas
• Cupcakes
• Trucks
• The Alphabet
• Clouds
• Raisins
• Cameras
• Tofu
• Cards
• Mirrors
• Tissues

Frankly, this is a short list by my standards but I had a lot on my mind this morning.  Once the List Maker has completed his task, he brings the List to the Master of the Readers.  The Master of the Readers reviews the list and assigns topics to members of my Stable of Readers.  This is a group of 45 people that have been hand selected for their ability to read.  There is no combination of letters that these fellows can’t decipher.  For example, one day, in an effort to test them, I wrote the following string of seemingly meaningless letters on a piece of paper: T U E S D A Y.  Almost all of them were able to correctly identify the word “Tuesday.”  I was impressed.

So today they received the list above and began their task of amassing written information - reading.  Once they reach their full capacity, these readers are granted an audience to present me with their information.  Today I learned that the alphabet is the name for the letters we use to make words.  Each letter (which corresponds to a speech sound) is expressed graphically to allow the easy transfer of ideas in a written form.  In English there are 26 letters in the alphabet.

While listening to information on tissues, a reader burst into my chamber with urgent news.  He had been assigned TOFU.  “Mr. Lam!,” he screamed, “I have to breaking news that you need to hear.”  Unused to being so rudely interrupted, I bade him be silent.  Once we had both regained our composure, I allowed him to proceed.

He explained that while reading about TOFU, he had come across writings that mentioned me, ANDY LAM!  Astonished, I ordered him to show these writings to me.  Hoisted in my chair upon the shoulders of my bearers, I was rushed to the reading nook.  There, in the corner of the room, was the terminal where this reader had been doing his work.  My chair was gently lowered and I was presented with the computer.

There, on the screen, I was greeted by a barrage of very bad words.  The person who had mentioned my name seemed to use bad words a lot.  The writing in question was entitled: Dear A-Hole - how hungry and dealt with the  distaste for TOFU (which he expressed in vulgar terms.  Finished the brief story, I called the reader to me.  “I see no reference to ANDY LAM! anywhere in this article,” I bellowed, “why did you barge in on my learning time on tissues!”

Abashed, he slowly pointed his finger to the side of the screen.  There, as plain as day, was my name - ANDY LAM! - included in the writers blogroll.  I slapped myself in the face hard three times for having shouted at my reader and then rushed (as fast as my bearers could race) to my own computer throne.  It is there I sit now, penning these words and planning my response to the vulgarian who’s opted to misappropriate my name.

I feel so terrible that my name has been associated with this person’s writings and pray that no one will think that I condone the language or ideas this foul person espouses.

Full of rage and expectations of justice, I am. . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, blog, koalas, Cupcakes, Trucks, The Alphabet, Clouds, Raisins, Cameras, Tofu, Cards, Mirrors, Tissues, justice, reading, slapping, bellow, vulgar, bad words

These “shadow rays” as I call them proceeded to chase people on the ground.  Here all is chaos.  Thankfully no one appears to have been killed or injured by these fluffy white attackers (or their shadow minions) but I fear it is only a matter of time.  Rest assured that I am working closely with FEDERAL authorities to understand and thwart this attack.

I need to break off now to continue my study or this new enemy and to plan our strategy.

With your best interest always at the front of my mind, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, sky, white, fluffy, cotton, wool, attack, shadow

I am so smart but BOY do I sure do some DUM things SOMETIMES!!  A you know, I am SUPER SMART.  I mean SUPER SUPER DUPER SMART.  I also have a great deal of expierience with water, oceans, seas, streams, lakes, brooks, rivers, fjords, ponds, swamps, rain drops, condensation, etc. so you’d THINK I would have a good HANDLE on the properties of LIQUIDS!

Well think AGAIN!  I am such a strudel-noggin!

Today, I thought it would be good fun to go for a walk.  (For those of you unfamiliar with walking, it is a form of LOCOMOTION that is conducted by placing one foot in front on the other.  I tend to raise my foot off the ground before moving it but this is optional.)  Near my compound is a large body of liquid water that people tell me is nice of observe visually.

Given the fact that I am recognized as one of the formost experts on aesthetics, I find it laughable that people assume that they can tell me something I DON’T know in this area.  Anyhow, I made my way down to this liquid and began to WALK around its edge.  Looking at it, I thought it would be nice to walk out onto the surface of the water a little bit.  (I know this is possible because it is in the Bible.)  I took a step onto the water and at first everthing was OK.  But just a few steps later my shoes and pants were all wet.

This development DISTURBED me very much.  I quickly retreated to the shore to assess my situation.  Perhaps, I reasoned, I had simply hit upon a weak spot on the edge of the water.  This made sense because I am certain many PEOPLE and ANIMALS had already walked on the surface in this area and had worn it a way a little bit.

The secret would be for me to get further out into the water where the surface would be stronger.  I looked to see if there was a trail leading further into the water but did not see one.  Looking up however, I did notice a large number of TREE LIMBS (aka BRANCHES) extending out over the water.  This would be my ticket!  By climbing a tree I would be able to enjoy a stroll on the suface.

Because I can from time to time be FRIGHTENED of heights, I decided it would be good to wear many weights all over my body to help draw me more quickly AWAY FROM THE SKY and down to the surface of the water.  With more than 400 pounds of lead on my person, I (with the help of a number of my assistants) made my way to the top of a tree.  I next made my way to the end of a limb (aka BRANCH as pointed out above) and then commenced returning to the earth/water surface.

I was concerned that I would get hurt when I hit the water and so had covered my JUMPsuit with pillows to help break my fall.  BETTER MY FALL THAN MY ARM, I always say! Down, down, down I fell.  Up, up, up rushed the water right at me.  After falling for seven minutes, I landed.  (OR, more accuraltely, I WATERED!).

Can you imagine how surprised I was when the top of the water gave way and I fell through?  I don’t think that you can imagine this!  I fell and fell and fell and fell.  The pillows did their job and cushioned my fall but the lead seemed to have an unanticipated consequence.  I was descending down into the liquid water and down to its murkiest depths!

Now I’ve been to the bottom of the ocean a million times.  I’ve visited the TITANIC and all but I was NOT expecting to be under the water like this.  I had no mask!  I had no flippers!  I had no swuimsuit!  As I settled into the mud at the bottom of the water, I began to be scared.  How would I be able to breath under water?  I know that fish can do it but I am not a fish.  I looked around and started to cry.  Would like be the end of the most wonderful person in the world?  I sure hoped not!

Lucky for you (AND FOR ME!) it wasn’t.  My team was there for me (as the always are).  A number of them reached in and pulled me out of the water.  I was all wet and muddy.  I also decided that I would need to remember that water is not a safe play thing and that if I wanted to play with it I would need to do a better job of preparing myself.

I am hoping that this (what I am writing right now) will serve as a reminder for me (and for you too) that water can be scary.  I know I was scared.

Well, that’s all I wanted to say.

With an itch I can’t scratch, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, water, liquid, lake, river, stream, pillows, brooks, ice, rain, lead, fish, surprise, itch, Andy, Lam, Luck, Bible, tree

OK.  So now that you know everything about everyone, I have something to say: I have a secret.  That’s right, I know something that no one else knows.  As soon as I gained possession of this fact I ran and hid so that no one would be able to take it from me.  I also started practicing going onto the Internet without telling everyone everything so that my secret would be safe.

On the first day of my secret, I only went on to the Internet for like seven hours.  The next day I went on for nine hours.  The next day I went on for 12 hours.  The next day I went on for 17 hours.  Finally I was able to go on for my usual 24 hours without saying anything about my secret.

Today is the first day I have allowed myself to use the Internet while I have been awake and it has been very hard for me to be on here and not talking about my secret.  I guess that part of me would like everyone to know the news because it is just so wonderful and exciting; but since it is the world’s LAST secret I am going to hold on to it for a while.

It’s really hard though.

Really really hard.

I really want to go to the store and maybe whisper it to a clerk.  Or go to a McDonald’s and tell it to the drive-up menu.  That wouldn’t be like telling a person so it might be alright.  I was also thinking about writing it on a piece of paper, flashing it in front of Mr. Oz (on of my henchmen), blinding him and then burning the paper.  My only worry is that he might remember what it said and say it to someone else.

I might be willing to give people clues about my secret.  In fact, that is what I am going to do.  Here is the first clue - it has nothing to do with popcorn.  It also has nothing to do with the ocean.  It also has nothing to do with breakfast.  It also has nothing to do with rotating your tires.  It also has nothing to do with plastic bottle caps.  It also has nothing to do with the number eight.  It also has nothing to do with haircuts.  It also has nothing to do with the clouds.  It also has nothing to do with ears.  It also has nothing to do with the color purple.  It also has nothing to do with the phrase ‘it also has nothing to do with.’

As you can probably guess from all of these clues, this is a very deep and exciting thing that I know.  Tomorrow I am going to carve it on the bark of a tree.  Then I am going to cut the tree down and make it into a house.  That is going to be my secret house.  It is going to be in the woods.  I am going to get some bats and other scary things to be near the house to scare intruders away.  That way I will be near my secret but my secret will be safe.

With news so shocking it will amaze you, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Secret, Amazing, Offer, Secret, Amazing, Mice, Reflection, Internet, tree, Oz, eyes, burn, house, bats, scare

Despite this raw passion that I clearly posses in great abundance, I am constantly being hectored by purveyors over every flim-flam aide de romance that has ever been invented!  I need no pills or lotions or creams or devices to enhance my potency!  I am not looking for any scents or chemicals to lure ladies to my lair of love!  I eschew all solicitations for interludes romantic, sexual or deeply personal!

It is insulting to have anyone assume that I - ANDY LAM! - the Lord of Love - needs help with anything aside from gentling breaking the tender hearts that are proffered to me every day!

Sheldolina was the most recent one.  Just after noon today, a scant two hours ago, there was a desperate rapping on my studies door.  Deep in thought, I first attempted to ignore the persistent noise; but found that I could not.  My initial assumption was that the rapper was one of my staff attempting to reach me with critical news.  As I had left explicit instructions that I was not to be disturbed, I approached the resounding door with a mounting sense of wrath.

When I flung it open - prepared to set loose a terrible torrent of invective - I saw, instead or a cowering crony, a comely vixen.  Shocked (but not surprised) I took a step back into the room.  “Oh, Andy,” she began, “please forgive me!  My name is Sheldolina and I’ve come to you - against the wished of my family and friends - to offer myself to you in every sense of the word.  Please,” she begged, “make me your concubine!”

She was, at this point, on her knees - her hands clasped at her bosom - tears flowing freely down her pretty cheeks.  “Ever since I heard your name and of your adventures,” she continued, “I promised myself that I would not stop until I’d been joined with you in sexual union.  Please help me fulfill my dream!”

Unbeknownst to her,  I had surreptitiously triggered the silent alarm I’d had installed for just this circumstance.  “My darling girl,” I began, in my most soothing tone, “my dear and darling Sheldolina, were it only possible for me to honor your request!  There would be no room in my heart for any greater joy!

“But alas, my heart is spoken for - and I, like you, pine in agony for the love and attention of the object of my desire.  Her name,” I continued, “is Loretta, and her beauty is unparalleled in this world or the next.  Unlike you and I - who are kept apart by walls of love I have built around my heart - Loretta and I are kept apart by walls of stone and bars of steel.  My great love molders even now in prison for a crime I know she did not commit.”

As I thus held Sheldolina’s attention, my men had silently crept into the room.  At my signal, they threw a net over her and bundled her out of the room.  I could hear her heart-breaking cries as they carried her from my presence.

In time, the echoes of her lonely heart left mine and I again resumed my studies.  I was certain that my heart had hardened to the point that these impassioned pleas had no effect; but I saw the page I was reading blotted with my own tears.

Clearly, I need no help in matters of the heart!

With a passion for fun, yet loyal to one, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: sex, romance, creams, pills, lotions, Andy Lam, Sheldolina, Loretta, tears, alarms, nets, arms, hearts, love, passion

Why, then, do so many people get in touch with me - ANDY LAM - regarding gambling?  I get emails, phone calls, telegrams, letters, comment spam, faxes, SMS messages, packages, notes passed to me by strangers, subliminal messages delivered through advertisements, movies and television programs, messages written in the sky, conveyed to me by birds and other animals - all trying to convince me that I should take up games of chance.

What reckless and bad advice!

While it is one thing to take chances with my body, life or health (or those of my friends), it is another thing entirely to do the same with money.  That is just wrong and irresponsible.  And it isn’t as if I don’t have money to burn (which I have and do on a regular basis) but I simply don’t want to give any of my money to people that I don’t know.

If you ask anyone that knows me, they will tell you that I am willing to give them as much money as they ask for as often as I ask.  I have one friend, Bondo, who asked me for $10,000 per day.  Does that bother me?  Of course not!  Do I give it to him?  Of course I do!  Why wouldn’t I?  I am ANDY LAM and these sums mean nothing for me!

The difference is that I know Bondo.  He was standing by the side of a wind-swept highway when I jumped out of my air ship, challenged him to a duel on the spot and was beaten senseless by him with a cudgel.  I put that behind me because that is what friends do.  Now, I give him a big bag of money every day.  It makes me happy and it makes him happy; and at the end of the day could you ask for anything more?

Angry about all of this gambling talk, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, gambling, danger, dare, bondo, cudgel, sanded, shark, email, SMS, phone, poison, arrows, airship

It took my team of archivists and researchers months to track everything down but the result was well worth the effort. For seven magical days and nights I was able to watch Loni in all of her glory! Interestingly, the role that most caught my imagination was her voice work as Flo in “All Dogs go to Heaven” (1989). It was so moving. It made me wonder, do all dogs really go to heaven? Being the scientist that I am, I couldn’t leave the question hanging and so I went to work to find the answer.

I started by getting two dogs. One was Butchie, a hound that has been nothing but wonderful his entire life. (He comes from a farm up the road.) The other was Waggles, a two year old terrier that everyone hates. (He is owned by the lady that owns the beauty shop I go to.)

• Butchie will do anything for anyone. Waggles will only bite.
• Butchie likes pets. Waggles won’t let you touch him.
• Butchie is a good listener. Waggles only barks.
• Butchie never steals food. Waggles takes anything he can get.

In short, Butchie is a good dog and Waggles is a bad dog.

What a better pair could I have obtained for my experiment! I fitted each with a global posisitioning tracking device and a radio transmitter. Next I had my men take them to a field and shoot them. Now the waiting began.

I sat in my lab watching their GPS signals. There was no movement. I also listened in to hear if there were any harps playing; but there were not. All I could hear was the sound of passing traffic, birds and the occasional jet passing over head. After this state of affairs continued for several days I felt ready to release my findings. You are among the first to learn what I did through careful experimentation: all dogs do not go to heaven. If you shoot them in a field they will stay right were you left them.

I was very disappointed by all of this. Upset to the point that I am planning on sending Loni details of my research so that she will know the truth. I feel sad that Butchie is dead. His owners will be mad if they find out what happened to him. I don’t feel bad about Waggles though. He was a bad dog.

A curious person in every sense, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Loni Anderson, SWAT, noTORIous, All Dogs go to Heaven, Dogs, GPS, Radio, dead, heaven, Andy Lam

In the mornings and evenings, I have sometimes been OVERCOME by a bright light shining into my eyes. To get to the root of this problem I conducted MANY experiments. In preparation for my experiments, I had some henchmen construct as 1,500 foot tower in the center of the compound. With the help of two dozen trained eagles, I was easily able to reach a small platform at the top of the tower. Sitting there one morning before daybreak, I noted that it was dark and that there was no bright light shining in my face.

I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. I noticed the shadow of the tower growing on the ground in front of me. Growing longer and longer and longer and the day became brighter and brighter and brighter. Using a red crayon, I put an “X” on one side of the platform to show that I had not seen the bright light.

I stayed on the tower watching the shadow grow and then it began to get smaller again. Smaller and smaller and smaller until it disappeared! I sat and looked down to the ground to see where the shadow had gone but it was NO WHERE! I looked at the ground for several hours but saw nothing.

When I had looked at the ground for a very LONG TIME, I looked up and there it was! The bright light was in my eyes! It was terrifying! I quickly grabbed a green crayon and made an X next to the red one. The bright light was hurting my eyes but I was going to stay there and study the phenomenon for as long as I could.

Soon, the bright light sank below the horizon and it got dark. Dark and cold. Dark and cold and scary. I took out my experiment book and read my next set of tests. It said I should turn 90 degrees to my right and continue my observations. With the help of a protractor, I was able to measure 90 degrees and once again took up my position. For many hours I observed nothing like the bright light that I’d seen in the afternoon. Nor did I see the shadow of the tower.

As had been the case the previous day, shortly before daybreak I noticed a gradual lightening in the sky and things on the ground began to become visible to me. I stared at the ground waiting to see the bright light or the shadow but in the end saw neither. The watched carefully the entire day until is started to get dark. With my red crayon I made an X to show that nothing had happened.

I wrote a note on a scape of paper - asking for food - an put it into one of the eagle’s beaks. It flew down to the ground. Soon, several wings could be heard flapping and in just a moment a table with food appeared. I ate some delicious items that the eagles brought me. It was wonderful!

Remembering my purpose though, I send the eagles away and took out my experiment book once again. As was the case yesterday, it told me to turn 90 degrees to my right and to continue my observations. Again, I withdrew my protractor, measured the 90 degrees and went to work.

For most of the night it was dark. Dark and cold. Dark and cold and scary. Finally, just before daybreak, the sky started to change color and I could see things on the ground. And then, all at once, the BRIGHT LIGHT WAS IN MY EYES! I hurt and made it hard to see as I struggled to draw a green X on the edge of the platform. For hours the light was going RIGHT INTO MY EYES! Soon though, the light wasn’t in my eyes; but there was that shadow again. Growing, growing, growing it got longer and longer and longer.

With the help of the experiment book and protractor, I repositioned myself to be facing 90 degrees to my right. Through the night - the cold, dark and scary night - I saw nothing. But then, just as happened two nights ago, the sky began to get lighter and the ground became visible. I waited for the bright light but it never came. With my red crayon I drew the X. I sat though the night and found when I turned 90 degrees to my right that I had already drawn a red and green X. My data collection complete, I sent another EAGLE GRAM down to the ground asking that they set up my trampoline.

When I heard the tiny voices calling that it was ready, I launched myself into the sky. Falling for 1500 feet was fun and exhilarating. But it was nothing compared to the bounce! For several hours I bounced - gradually lower and lower until I came to rest in the center of the trampoline. With rubbery legs, I stepped to the ground and promptly collapsed. A team was on hand to rush me into the house where I have been recovering from my ordeal.

Never one to tarry, I begged for a telephone. With it I called one of the world’s preeminent scientists to share and discuss my observations. I explained that when facing in one direction, the bright light went into my eyes later in the day, that facing another direction I didn’t see the bright light at all, that facing a third direction the light was in my eyes early in the day and that facing a fourth direction there was, again, no light in my eyes. The professor peppered me with questions and asked my permission to share my observations with some of his colleagues. A request to which I readily acquiesced.

Early the next day, Klondike (one of my most loyal servants) brought me a telephone. “The professor” was all he had to say. The professor and I spoke for several hours and he asked if I would be willing to present my findings at a conference he was organizing in Geneva. Packing my bags as we spoke, I said yes and told my men to ready the eagles.

On the long flight, I considered what I might say to the august group I would be addressing and what insights they might have into the bright light. My comments were well received and I was touched by their long and loud ovation. In a private discussion, one colleague told me I ought to receive the NOBLE PRIZE and that he was of the opinion that the only thing able to create the light I was describing was a STAR.

This pronouncement seemed unbelievable to me; but soon others were telling me the same thing; that what I had seen could be nothing other than the mysterious STAR. With no other explanation at hand. The gathered experts declared that I, ANDY LAM!, had observed a STAR first hand; and further that this star should be called the LAM. Being modest, I agreed only after they begged and cajoled me for some time.

We further decided that a working group should be formed to determine how to prevent the light from the LAM from hurting people’s eyes. My suggestion, which was adopted by unanimous consent, was that people use their HANDS to block the light from the LAM from hitting them in the eye. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the most elegant.

For the next several weeks, I was the toast of the town and was wined and dined by a veritable who’s-who in science, the arts, industry and government. Not only did I return home with a STAR named after me; but I was also confident that I would be a shoe in for the 2007 Noble Prize in Physics.

Just another in the unending list of my successes.

With more comfortable eyes, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, Star, Lam, Light, Green, Red, X, eagles, shadow, Geneva, Noble Prize, Physics, Eyes, tower, trampoline

• A flock of sheep (see, my name is Lam so people think I like LAMbs; and I DO - with MINT SAUCE! Off to the slaughter house with the lot of them!)
• All of the water in the world - now this may strike some of you (the dumber ones) as impossible; but one fan, a Rex Ovum Mundi (who can be a real crank sometimes) sent me an email that said I was now the owner of all the water in the world. Now some of you might be wondering why I put this on the list of clunkers: I don’t want to deal with it. A few years ago I bought all of the air on the planet (and made a pretty penny selling breathing licenses too I might add); but then found that governments, regulators, and various tree-hugging dogoodniks expected me to clean it up or something. HA!
• A pack or Rolos (for obvious reasons)
• Several stars and craters - what always seems funny to me about this gift is that I’m too modest to ever claim the ones I’ve discovered and explored - let alone the ones that people give to me!
• A bad joke - Q - What did one tree say to the other? A - Boy, I never knew that we could talk!
• Two punches in the stomach - I got a gift card for this that said I needed to go to a certain intersection in a certain city and a certain time to redeem my gift. When I got there, there was a very strong looking stranger who asked if I was ANDY LAM! As soon as I said, “yes,” he hit me twice and ran away. My belly still hurts.

Now, if you will imagine that all of these bad gifts were one side of a coin, on the flip side you will, of course, find good ones. (This is a metaphor. Coins do not have gifts on them - unless the coin itself is a gift. One could also imagine that someone could give a gift of a metallic portrait of a PRESIDENT as a gift, in which case the gift would be ON THE COIN. What I am trying to say is that if you think the gifts I’ve just listed are bad you need to understand that I got some good ones as well).

• A giant laser - Because I love to explore, I often find myself in conflict (or at least disagreements) with highly advanced alien civilizations. This laser will help even the playing field.
• A collection of strange scents - made up of dozens of carefully labeled, double lidded glass jars (one lid with holes poked in it so the smells can escape and the other to keep them from escaping when not in use) that have some of the most wonderful smells from ancient times to modern. Imagine my wonder as I smelled the hold of Noah’s Ark (very smelly), King Tut’s last meal (it smelled like lemonade), smoke from Pompeii, or the first ever McDonald’s hamburger. Let me tell you it was a moving experience. I am going to be working on ways to share this with the children of AMERICA who might be missing out of the thrilling smells of yesteryear.
• An ice cube named Bobby. I don’t know why, but this is one of my favorite gifts. I’ve had a special carrying case made so that Bobby and I can travel and do fun things together. So far we’ve been to the moon, to the circus, to the ice capades (he really liked that one), the grocery story (we spent a lot of time in frozen foods) and the zoo. I can’t wait to hear what he wants to do next!
• A really good joke: Q - what did one rock say to the other? A - I didn’t know we could talk!
• A kick in the pants - At first I was worried this was going to be like the punches; but when I got to the place and said I was ANDY LAM!, a really big guy kicked me really hard right in the seat of my pants. I went flying! It was fun.

As I said, this is only a TINY sample of the THOUSANDS of GIFTS I received. I ask if you plan to reward my wonderfulness with a gift (which is understandable); that you look at this list as a guide for what I will like.

With plenty already but always looking for more, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Technorati Tags: Andy Lam, gifts, jokes, lambs, mint sauce, trees, lasers, stars, ice, Bobby, moon, rocks, Noah, Noah’s ark, King Tut, smells, scents, coins, Presidents, punch, kick, stomach, pants, water, Rex Ovum Mundi